I haven't smiled for a really long time. When will that really come true again?

Who will be the one who can put that smile on my face again?

"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters and I'll be yours"

Hi people! Monster is back, or rather sunshine is back. A nice name given by the Sand.
Dont ask me why he's called a Sand too, I'm told to do so. haha.

Wells, F1 Night Race is finally over with Fernando Alonso clinching the first ever night race title. Sadly, Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa - Both the Ferrari Team, didn't make it through. Had some major cock-ups. But it's alright. They will still make it through in some manner.

Was at the scene of F1 yesterday, the 27th, Sat. Although I was sick, but I tried my very best to not be sick. Still, my body temperature is still high. It's really a fascinating sight of it, though cars passes by really quick and noises filled the air, kinda like it because it's the first experience that I had. I just love it being there because it's the fresh experience and also the liking for cars. Girls do love cars too. Amazingly, my friend's like what, you know much more about cars than me. How could you? Thanks, praise me. heh. I gotta thank my friend, Suresh, for asking me to go for the race. cheers. Some pictures of it will be uploaded but not really good ones. Couldn't really get a good take out of the face Formula one cars.
So after the roaring and palpitating axieties, quite a few buzzed me asking me to chill and party after F1. All at the wrong time. Do I look like one who likes to go to such places or will appear there almost every now and then? The answer is: I don't know. In fact, I do not like it. I would rather chill with a few of my good friends at better ambiences which I deemed better. Or just by the beach, looking at the stars, and just feeling the sea breeze. After much consideration and some negotiation, with the fact that I'm really sick, went to meet Hong Ping for a short short while. Supposed to meet her in the first place as she told me she's with another friend (girl) and needs my company for good. Reason being because her bf needs me to be there such that she could be there. So yea, I did meet her after F1 as it was near. However, instead, I met up with some people whom I didn't really wanted to see. Shall say, that's kind of least expected. There's some kind of awkward moment. It sort of affected me. Smart girl, asking me to get down for ..... So, I ignored the fact that he was there, trying to occupy myself and then told ping that I really wanted to go off. Reason: I'm not in the mood and am sick! So I kind of screwed up the plan she had in mind, or maybe there wasn't a plan initially?

Shortly after, she had some tiffs with her jerome and then it continued. Could understand how she felt. Guys.. They will still remain as guys. Girls will never get to understand what they really want. Especially if they're guys who don't know what they seriously want in life. Cut the crap for guys to say if they really know what they want or have plans if actions do not show. Have seen too many of it already. Only very few have proved to me so, and, it is that tiny few that I know.
Well, it dawned that it was the 'not in the mood day' for the both of us. I told her we should go home, so we headed for the train at 12am. 2 girls having kind of complicating problems boggling them. At least, I guess hers isn't as bad as mine. Shall not compare. Yes.

Ping actually commented informally: ' Girl, Titan so flirt ah? Why there's like a drastic change in him?'
My reply to her was: How would I know? If you count whatever you see or hear as being flirtatious at such pubby areas then maybe yes. But I have no answer for that. For me to know and for you to find out. It's him and because it's him many drastic changes can happen. And to add on, he's not really what you think. Get to know him better then you'll know. Me, once, being his girlfriend, shall not comment too much. If not, I will be accused of backlashing, back stabbing him with no justifiable facts. You shall discover it yourself. But girl, point to note, and also it's not only me saying this, once his friends and also people who have seen him once and heard about the stuffs going on, reckoned he's not as simple as it seems. He don't know what he wants and you shall hold your guard.
Ping: Why didn't you guys talk?
Me: Why should I? There's nothing to talk about and besides, he told me to never ever contact him, NEVER. So, I shall just follow suit whatever is lashed to me from that very day onwards. I'm just fulfilling his request from me. So yea.
Ping: aiyo, ni men ah ( you 2 ah), Sighs... Shakes heads

Upon replying, I felt like urgh, all these came out of my mouth? She's like kind of shocked when she actually asked me and also hearing my replies. Well, I'm a person who tells things honestly, right, Sand?? hahas. You know me too well.

Then asked for SOS when I was at Boat Quay because I seriously wanna leave that place for good. My mood and everything seriously added up on more heat. He's like, hmm why are you there? I explained then, he's like hmmm will rescue you. I didn't want to bother Sand, but yes, I did. Sand really rushed all the way from parkway (pang-sehing his friends) to home and then to escort me. Cool huh. Sorry ah. I'm really sorry dude. Running in court shoes is really not a good thing, he said. Especially up the hill of tanah merah? oh my gosh. I really owe you loads. Hint hint Xmas or maybe random days. ahahas. Many stuffs happened to me and I don't know how to explain but I should say I'm blessed to know you, Sand. Although you're in my extended circle from the beginning, but now, it's not. If you still regard as that, I will be upset. Of course I do have my cliques, the close ones and don't know whoever, but, it's just a word - different.
Waited a little bit as Sand was worried, though I said it's ok that I can go home myself since there's still extended train service. But, it's a no, answer. Expected.
So it's the 2nd day in a row, that I emo-ed to Sand. Don't ask me why it's always during these certain times. Emo-ed for quite a long time. Sick, but still, I felt that I'll feel really better after emo-ing than keeping emotions to myself. Sand said I'll take 1-3months? I don't know how long it will be. Well, Thanks a lot for the comfort and also the concerns about me. hmmms. At Guilin park, looked up at the sky and counted 13 stars. Upon looking at it, somehow, tears started rolling down. and then it continued...
Adding on - Who's the star?? I wonder if there is.
I will pick myself up again but it does take time.
Please don't fade as long as I live.
Point to note: I don't attract many guys. Though your position in my life, has caused many people to do many stuffs to get it. Somehow, none has reached the point where I deemed as a pass. So, don't try to teach anyone of them. No funny thoughts from you. hahas.

Anli is back but now she's at Shanghai? Am so so glad to see her on yesterday. She's like can we walk the F1 circuit? Sadly, gotta tell her she couldn't, but only I can. haas. I miss you so much girl. To see you back in SG again is just that great. We as usual, when we're out, it's SHOPPING Spree. Bought a pair of slippers, a sort of jacket-coat and a polo shirt. It added to don't know how much. She bought quite a lot too. When we're out it's just many going down the drain. But it's a happy thing to shop! yayness. Then met up with Sand again because he's coming to Suntec too and then passed him my shopping bags. Thanks for keeping them safe but also attracting middle-aged women to you. The stuffs I bought must have attracted them.. ponders, are you're a middle-aged lady killer? heh heh. *winks* The 3 of us met, Sand and Anli hadn't seen each other for like a long time too. So then Sand whispered some stuffs to Anli, I wonder what was he trying to tell her. Eh, I really wanna know, because you 2 had some kind of like secret and I know it's definitely bout me.
Anyway, shall see you again on Saturday when you're back girl.
Hugs and Misses.

So for today, I slept quite a bit, not a lot but had afternoon nap till before F1 started. Went to visit and return Darrel(oily) AC uniform, together with Jackson Toh and Wei Kiang. Then as usual, the 2 funny and kind of sick people. Especially oily. Bai kah but still as sick as ever. You slackerr, rot at home and still get paid by SAF which includes operational expenses. What a waste of the country's resources, do you know? I guess you should be the LOLI. It suits you. They mah-jonged and so I just see them play the game. Somehow, couldn't seem to get it no matter how hard i try. Then, headed home with them and rested till then. So basically that's my day. Didn't meet my clique for the birthday celebration as am running down a fever still and partly also something that I didn't want to portray in front of them. Something to do with them and also myself. Shall not say more. I will meet you girls tomorrow after my driving lesson. No worries, even if I'm still sick I will appear to make the day memorable. yeap that's me. Don't ask me why. Just like how unexpectedly, I upsetted Sand in a manner that day on Friday. Can 'Cui' which means to crush or just spoil
things in a maner. So I cui-ed my image and also his motto.

Things has to move on and trying to hold back doesn't do any good. Although some things remains unchanged, but history will still be a part of it.

I'm not gonna count the days I'm suffering but it's Day 21 up till date.
So...

I'll ensure that I recover very soon, and please I need my eye back. It's swollen for like 4 days already. It did subside a little today, but still, people who saw me, could see the swelled up eye and also together with the super heavy eye bags.

Till then and then again.

A real smile from me will not come so soon, but I will show you the smiles whenever possible.

I will cherish people whom I will have to.

"Tell me 3 words, 8 Letters, and I'll be yours"

Jack ah Jack...
Or I should say, My Sand, my Lord sounds so much better you know??
Your girlfriend will think you're mad, since when have you been Si'En's sand?
Sounds so wrong..

Ahh... Fever's still going on and on. My right eye is like swollen into half. Jack your fault.Damn.. Someone buzz me at my phone to make me feel better?
If so, I would be really really glad, estatic.
I will wake up to thank you.
=)

A couple of my friends are at the F1 circuit now.. but I'm home.. TO REST..
Gosh.. I shall start resting to be fit for tomorrow's race and to visit oily, I know you're so lonely at home everyday. You and your cock jokes.

Till then.
Jack - I can't think of any name for myself already..
Like I dont know.

I'm still sick. It's like the third day. It went up - 38 Degrees Celcius. Dang, and a day before the F1 race which I'm going for. Sighs, why???

Due to the lack of sleep, tormenting and torturing myself, crying at any point of time, not eating my meals well and almost everything that I've done to hurt myself. I do not regret, but it's a turning point I guess.

Anli and Jackson Tay have been and are still worrying about me. Their concerns are much appreciated and I cherish them a whole lot.

Am troubled and boggled by problems from many areas. It's not only my broken and already over-ed relationship, but also on stuffs like my health, my final Grade 8 exams and counting on. The one that bothers me is my clique. We do not contact that often, also due to A levels on its way, but somehow, I know you girls are there. However, the actions being shown or rather, some things that are not said, my sixth sense do tell. That's a reason why no matter what I'm facing or going through, I don't tend to tell you all. You can say I'm bringing up a brave front, maybe that's an acted one, but nevertheless, how much do you all know about me? I know you girls care, have seen some big parts of me in segments. But, ever wondered, no matter where I am, I am always there for you all? Sighs, I do not know how to continue this, shall talk about it again. I'm gonna vent it on something or someone else, maybe?

Added stuffs - will be working at Swiss Club from next month onwards, am glad that I could earn some extra cash after school hours too. Thank you Suresh for your recommendation.

F1's tonight, the ultimate and first ever night race in Singapore. I'm so proud to be a Singaporean and also that fact that I'm living here. ( though I've always wanted to migrate to let's say Aussie). Life's gotta go on, and here I am, still in my bewildered mess. I am going to clear it up and face it really soon. Maybe tonight? The next week? Or the next month? I do not know.
So here, the support from the special ones will be the ego booster for me and I will show you who's Si'En and the girl who is deemed as the special one in many, at least for you, my special friend.

P.S. My special friend has just became the sand of my life. rahhhs

xoxo

"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters, and I'll be yours"

Sighs.. I seriously don't know what you guys want with me or out of me and how you guys are thinking. Could or can you guys just tell me directly what you all are thinking about?
Maybe I'm putting too much thoughts into it, maybe I'm not?

Jack - You set me thinking, once again. No wonder you're that special one. *tsktsk*
Often talks to me in a ji pua ji pua manner (neither here nor there or everywhere) in hokkien. Haiyo. I'm speechless.

I shall stand firm and will never be swayed, dude I definitely will ok.
And as promised, no more tears for 2 weeks? I will try to accomplish it and then cry later on. You expected that coming I guess?

Am seriously ill now, with fever of 37.7 degrees celcius, amazingly I'm at work. Enduring the super duper cold air-conditioning, I'm shivering a whole lot, yet I gotta tell myself I can pull through. My right eye is also swollen like some cock. Ahh.. First, it's panda eye, followed by super heavy eye bags that makes me look like a joop. oh well oh well, that's my life and so it's me - the MONSTER. Gastric's coming back, it has, oh nooooo.. My body's breaking down slowly..

Let me see for tonight, what will happen...
Anw, dude, enjoy your festive wedding dinner tonight, don't emo about it because someone can't attend it with you. There will be future and many opportunities.
And by the way, what green light you've given me? Your nonsense once again.

Anli - I'm so glad you're back even if it's a short period of a couple of days. Have fun dolling up with your new haircut. I wanna see it!

Quite a number of friends, or even my past ( ex-bfs) has told me before, a point taken. Their parents especially their Mums' have a good impression of me. So what's so good about me? Some said it's because they wish to have a daughter like me and all sorts, what kind of bullshit. Maybe I just treat their sons too well I guess. Self-praise!! hahas.
Some, like someone's mum, had some funny thought about me. Only seen me like twice and it's been in her mind? It's quite long ago already. you know who i'm talking about. No. Maybe you don't. Eh, I'm innocent and there's nothing ok? Then someone said, you know, sadly my mum had a much deeper impression of you? huh??? nonsense.

Standing firm...
Day 18..

What's that special quality that I have in me?

"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters, and I'll be yours"

It's Day 17 dang. I wonder why, but amazingly, I didn't count.
Shall just do a little update because I'm really strucked down with weaknesses already - which is being sick. I felt really terrible, couldn't really eat well, breathe, it's more of like, too weak to even think or move. It felt like my body is tearing apart so so soon.

Sighs..

My life's so interesting yet not so interesting. I think someone has made it so interesting that he's gone gaga over it. Right dude?? Sharing the same name, no wonder behaving the same. Point to note: I've got nothing to do with anyone: any guys right now. Dang. Why must you link and talk about those funny stuffs? -.- Not in the mood to you know, ya. You know!!! I'm still in that very bad state... Oh wells.

A line from my previous entry:
"Only certain few will know the wonderful r/s we had. haha."
Alrights. It can be misleading as suggested. So yea, there's nothing going on in between us ever since day 1 we knew each other. The kind of r/s that we are still having right now, not had, is just unexplainable. hahas. All I know is, we know it best ourselves and it's certain few and they are those who don't need explanations but know what is really going on. Yeps.


Here are some pictures:


It's me & Jackson Toh's cap. Not that special one. Don't get me wrong.


Ben and Jerry's - Double cookie chocolate cream i suppose?


Nachos from B&J too. With the toppings -Cheese and jalapenos.
Am forced to finish this mess by him you know? But I didn't.


From Ice Monster: Durian & Mango Shaved Ice. Yummy



The game at all arcades - Basketball, the score with the help of my extraordinary friend. I can't use the word special, your good idea...


I'm that down.


Cookies from Jack - this is the special one, yea. Rated 7.5/10 =)
Thank you dude, you can give me more. hahaa

Has been telling my special extraordinary friend about the stuffs that happened to me. I didn't cry for 4 days already. So.. still trying to move on. Stuffs that some people are telling me, I chose not to bother at the moment. Wait till then, if a guy would really........
Only you know...

Till then and only then..
"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters, and I'll be yours"

WOAH!
It's just very random of me, yet, not very random too. Should I say that I'm on a high or towards the roller coaster ride again.? Or..Living in a world of darkness but am trying to find the path of light?

I wonder. But nevertheless, it's still me. I don't change. I stand firm and I do know or rather, close ones knows that I'm not alright, and will never be healed so soon. You guys know me too well, I'm so touched and amazed about the kind of friends that I really had.

Yes.. Cookies from special - Jack, I shall rate it 7.5/10. It seems that this time it has some kind of weird lemony and bitter burnt taste, but it's delicious. *winks*
Your enhanced recipe ain't that bad. Cool, I should say.

It's sort of a woo ha now.
Shall reply to my tags:

Anli - I know you meant well and am really thankful for this period, will drop you a call anytime soon 24/7. hahs. Loves

Baoying - girl, you're so sweet that I couldn't start to munch you. hahas. gross! anw, yea we're in the same class and you may or may not see the madness in me anymore. My down period is up now, sadly. So don't miss the old times of me. hehs. Thanks girl for your listening ear and support too. I won't be misled by the stories. No worries. I hope I do feel better each day too. I will try my very best. Love you too. =)

Jack - What eek? and what due time? hahas. You can't escape ok! And of course, I agree almost more than half of it for your reply to passerby, it is like really the end of my world. If not, why would I be in such a state now? I wouldn't be so if it didn't hurt of impacted me much I should say. The eyes.. told you, I don't mind it popping out, biongs!!! and I will try ok.. This time, this promise is kind of hard. I can't promise this to anyone to you or whoever, you know ah. lols.

Passerby -
Tag 1: get a grip of myself, just because it's only a r/s? I do agree with that, like without a r/s, you wouldn't die or can't carry on with your life. But, did you ever think, if you were the one facing the reality I am encountering? Maybe or maybe not, you can carry on eventfully in a nick of time, but the scars will still remain and it can never be mended. In any case, you weren't the one experiencing what I'm facing, so yea, you wouldn't know how it feels in some sense.
Tag 2: Of course, he would want or chose to defend me that's because he's my special friend and in many cases, no one actually does understand the kind of r/s that we have. It's not some kind of platonic, oh please. He doesn't and has never had anything in mind with me right from the start. I guess you should understand the situation at the very least? and in fact, in any case, he will be defending, supporting of opposing me when deemed to be rightful. So it's not only during such a period that he will be there for me. He's always there. Lines are drawn but maybe it seems to everyone that it's not. Only certain few will know the wonderful r/s we had. haha.

Crius - what an interesting name. =) oh wells, I will take good care of my health as much as I can and want to, but some circumstances would hinder me to do so. No worries about me.Will stay happy and it's almost impossible to not think about it. I did try my ultimate best doing many other stuffs and so on. It will come back to me somehow.

Was out with my special best friend. His aim: To tire me out in whatever way he deemed.. But... It sort of failed? He admitted it too.

Went to eat at Ice Monster at Plaza Singapura. It's really cool, because it's just MONSTER!
Nice dessert - Mango and Durian ice.. Delicious. Pictures will be uploaded with the stuffs that I've eaten recently and of course they've savoury. Oh gawd!!!
Then went to do the usual energy spicing kind of stuff - the arcade: basketball.
It did exhaust my muscles a little, but not a lot.

My mind's wandering around and I thought I wouldn't tear or cry today. That's also because my special friend is there with me. But nevertheless, I'm just trying to put a strong front anywhere and everywhere I go.
However...
I cried and yes, Jack ah. You are... I'm speechless. You're just way too nice. But I thank you for that too. Sighs. How I wish I have 365 days just to cry and do nothing.

A phrase that will be left in my mind and always:
Tell me three words, eight letters and I'll be yours.
Sounds familiar?
Ahhh.. yes, it is from Gossip Girl Season 2 episode 1. When Blair told this to Chuck Bass. A playboy yet, is stumbled upon such a question. Salutes, this shows how much he loves Blair? Hmmm maybe.. The story still continues on. It's interesting. hahas. Am kind of shocked that guys do watch this US drama series too. Cheers to it.

Anyone who tells me that.. Hmm. I shall see when that will happen..

Till then, it's Day 15. Subconsciously I'm counting. Amazingly.

Went to Dempsey Hill - Ben and Jerry's. A hot and humid Saturday. Had some catching up again with my senior. Didn't eat my lunch but just had double scooped cookie ice cream tbat I bought and a little of the Nachos which he actually forced me to eat. So we chilled and basically it's just having a laid back Sat.
Then... Time to go home and in the cab.
I broke down. And this time in front of Jackson Toh. Unglamarous of me again.
He told me I would be alright and everything will be over soon. Sighs, will it be?
Thanks for the past 2 days, some comfort and also for sending me home real early, asking me to rest.

Reached home, was a little better.
However, I couldn't stop myself from the agony i'm facing again.
So...
Tears rolled down and then it started all over again.

Till then, Day 14.
it's just really bad.

A few words to describe my day: Insanity and torments. Torturing myself without noticing that it had already happened.

My special friend - Jackson, he was telling me that I've been torturing myself. Actually I didn't feel so, maybe I did, or somehow I'm just numbed to everything already. I've been very very exhausted recently, having late nights, not being able to sleep well and of course waking up early which I dread, just to go for work. The 8-5 kind of job, it's pathetic for me. Somehow, I did succumb it although I do feel sleepy at times. Work is a place where I can put everything to a seizure, but it goes back to square one after that. Me, not being able to face reality had came to a point where I have no interest in almost everything. I seem to be alright on the surface, however, my heart is still going round in circles. Contradictary, I felt that it is just not myself anymore. So Jack, you're right. I can't deny in a way that I've been in a helpless state. I bet he's the one who had seen me in a horrible state, minus being a drunkard. I can't afford to let him see that and of course he wouldn't allow it to happen. The same goes to my dearest senior, Anli, she plays almost the same role as him, just that she's in aussie currently.

Amazingly, I couldn't feel the agony in me ever since Sunday. It must have been buried somewhere in me. Where has it gone to? Whatever Anli and Jack had told me, it inflicts a sense of remorse for my behaviours. However, I do argue on the other end that if I don't behave according to my feelings, I will be bringing much more scars to myself. I dont't know how to stop myself from everything. I'm never in control or maybe I am, but a failed one.

Questions that I've thought about and was being questioned:
1. Is he the right guy for you?
2. Is he worthy enough for your tears and reactions ( my rebellious behaviour)?
3. What's so great about him that you've to receive such torments?

You told me, to never ever contact you ever since Friday. Of course I do want to contact him, but it's because of that, or ever since the breakup, I forced myself from contacting him. It's pretty hard, and what I saw today, it gave me a shock. I am speechless, and am left in a 50/50 state of turmoil again. I yearn to contact him, but the lines being told to me flashed back again. What am I supposed to do next? I tried to ignore all facts, I have to leave it unexplained.

Someone, guide me. Tell me. Carve the path for me and lead me. Am I facing reality right now?
Has reality slapped me?
Am I running and avoiding the truths in my life?

My stomach and gastric problems seem to come back. Health's not very good too, exhaustion sets in but with my somehow limiting strength, it pulled me through till I had to fall flat. Glad that Baoying is there for me yesterday. Ate Fish & Co and ended up forcing myself to finish my meal, it's like a way for de-stress. Bought a top - a blouse together with her, it looks smart, sexy and stylish. We have a good taste, isn't it?

Tortures are inevitable.
Day 10, how much more to go?


Replies to my tag:
Jack - Thanks for your cookies. Hmmm, so I should say, it will definitely have a different taste from last Christmas I guess? Am anticipating for it. Thanks for cheering me up, but I couldn't really bring myself to it.

Marcus - I will try my very best to overcome the whirlpool of happenings lately. Am quite lucky it happened during the hols, if not, I bet I would be much worst in a manner. I will pour my sorrows to you and the close ones in TF01. No worries. Am glad that you guys are always around.

Passerby - I guess I do need help, but I don't need it too. What more could I ask from myself or even him?

Leenx - Jack hasn't intro me to you. Kind of slow of him. I think he doesn't want to affect me since I'm seriously in my downs. Thanks for your concerns too. You 2 stay happy. =D I will be fine. So no worries. Although it's just too early to say that...