hmms, well what could i say from a day? i found out that i don't know what i seriously want in my life, and that i'm not even controlling it by myself. maybe it's just the other me that is doing so. sighs. what could i do now? i seriously wanna give up in everything at this very moment. but there are too many things to consider.
and to make my stand clear, and make this right! i don't really bother what the outcome is. it's me or the other me that i'm worried of. i've thought of some of the questions that were bombarded at me yesterday. i doubt that i have any capability of being any sort of a leader in any form. i can't even be a natural leader of myself, to lead my mine and soul, thus, how could i be a leader and lead right? i seriously regret for not putting deep thoughts into writing my CV and that i've not considered what a president has to do and how he should lead the fellow mates. he has to have a wilful mind and besides that his results must be uber good! and so, i should write myself as an SL instead. but what i did? so screwed. i think it would be fun to try something very different and so i did so. in the end, what happened? i couldnt handle myself, my brain, not intellectually brainy blahblah and i perform extremely bad academically. who would want me to be an ex-c0 memeber? dumb! anyone who puts me in will regret. and ms too is super nice to me! and i love her. this was what she said and asked:
ms too: so since you do not know what your results are, what do you think you will get?
me: erm... paused for a super long time, i will do very badly. i knew it very clearly but i seriously hope that it'll not be that bad although i know it's very very badly done.
ms too: so u expect all U which is ungraded right?
me: in my brain. wth, wtffffff. are you trying to insult my small puny brain?? i know i'm dumb, do not have the intelligence but you dont have to insult me in such a way right?
i agree that i have very high self esteem in some ways and i hate people who insult me in any way although i know how i am naturally despite how bad i am or not. but you are not to judge me in any way ok? i'm born like that. i have a life that made me so. it's super nerve wrecking for me to hear that. i was clenching my fist in the pockets of my jacket all the while and with this, it agitated me further making my brain cells burst and so juices weren't there and i couldn't continue thinking anymore. at that moment, i was about to leave the room and tell the panel, SI'EN IS QUITTING. But there's this sudden urge in me that held me back. despite the fact that i cried, i dont know anything already. i knew i am just some idiotic girl trying to console myself and my P-brain. whoa-ness!
i just dont care anymore. i dont wanna be the president and i knew i cant be. so why i wanted to run for it in the first place?? i don't know. but somehow after the chat ytd with my nice fren i do not totally agree with my fren that i am capable. like wtf. you dare say i'm capable. ok maybe to some sense. but on the whole i'm never ever capable in anything. i have the confidence in me but soon after someone who shoots something right through my head, it's gone forever. it demoralizes me from that moment. i know i'm super not the kind of person many people know for who i am. and i just couldnt explain what kind of a person i am! i can conclude i'm just thus weird! i tend to isolate myself from people whom i think i couldnt clique with and that in some sense it's because we dont share the same interests and i just feel they aren't the 'in' or 'cool' people i know. aint that very not common? haha. my friends are from all sort. i dont despise people who smoke or go around hanging lose. that's because i respect them for who they are and i know that they do have a brain of their own. people think i dont have a brain of my own. i dont wish to comment. that's because i know i do have one! and although i'm not as intellectual as anyone i have a brain that has the heart in it. at least i'm sincere to everyone and i'm true to the fellow people around me. that's what that makes me i guess.
anw. thanks xiang wei for comforting me. i know you're shocked right.
to pastor eve: i can meet you sometime next wk? this week i guess i'm not free. gotta get my EOM for project work done
to 'kid': i dont know who you are. and i agree to an extent that it's the other part of me that's controlling me subconsciously. i wonder how i will ever discover it myself. and i've grown up with it since i was young. i guess it's not a very good thing. wells.
thanks for cello/bass seniors for the small belated celebration. and i dont know if i should happy about being 17.
MONSTER is here.....
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C R U S H
by David Archuleta
I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush
'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know
Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?
Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl, are we just friends?
Is there more, is there more?
See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last
Last forever, forever
Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?
Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know
Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?
Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
This crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
CRUSH!!!
potter puppet pals!
:D
P R O F I L E
me myself and i :D
BIENVENUE!
You are at MONSTER's BLOG!!!
To enter the MONSTERRICCC's WORLD...
Pursuing a Diploma of Banking and Financial Services
at Ngee Ann Polytechinc
NP strings
Year 1 student
Music fanatic
A pianist and cellist
020790
Once an Acs-ian ( arts and science student) should say a mix of both
Ex ACCO cellist. Loves her Cliques - the LMAOs(consisting for 2 NJ, 3 AC, 1 NYJ & 1 PJ)
The ACCO people
Class of TF04 in NP
Bestie - Joson
Fader turned Sand - Jackson
Girl that's always there - AnLi
and basically anyone who's always there or secretly there for me.
F I F T E E N
RANDOM FACTS
RANDOM FACTS
well, i am 18 years old, aren't i?
SPARKS OF EVIL..
This shall be left blank.
T O D O L I S T
13/10 FTT and many more?
T A G B O A R D
yakkity yak yak
RANTTSSS
11:33 pm - Thursday, July 05, 2007
A R C H I V E S
wasting my life away
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
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September 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
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A F F I L I A T E S
the people...
MORE MADNESS TO COME..