argh!!!! i screwed up the interview and sprout nonsense! yeah! and so i can conclude it's a bye-bye gone case for me! nothing to expect in the end! so........ right now i shall just continue to do the task i'm allocated to and wait till 18th of july! i came to think that i'm super stressed and i couldn't even get control over it. and what's happening to me after that breakdown infront of these few people. so embarrassing and i couldn't think of anything actually! i'm just doing some random-ing to the panel especially cui wei my sectional leader. what the hell is going on with me?? okay, i'm suffering from such mental illness which i don't even know. well, but i should be better than last year right? i refused to see the pshychiatrist such that i could lead a normal life. and i did! yay. but it's not really that much. my friends around me do think that i need to have a heart to heart talk at certain times and that i'm a troubled kid! yea KID! when i'm already 17 for goodness sake. well, i do act like one at certain points of time. but what is wrong with me i ask you?? tell me !!!!!
i'm glad that i've already sought of passed the interview in that sense. i know i'm not fit to be a leader in any sought. although all my friends, my bestie and my juniors who knows me superbly well supported me all the way. well, i think i've led you guys well and till now you guys still do remember me as Si'En the cello/bass sectional leader and not just a senior. not a normal one too. oh so i'm abnormal.wahhaa. ok- NOT! i should be glad for what ever is the outcome i should comply with it. and for my performance in any sought, in terms of musicality and academically, i seriously hope i could really peak and starting from next week which i will get into serious work and studying. i ought to. i don't have a choice people. i shall prioritise my time wisely, and be a loner for the moment. this is uberly demoralizing for me, being locked up in this cell which i call home.
To me, the definition of home is a place of solace, to rest, bathe and do other daily stuffs, other than that, i dont ever want to be home. it's like a forceful thing for me. i get home just to be there. got it? rahhhhhh.
rawwwrrrrrrrr.
what should i do now? i' m getting so emo-ish now. yucks. this is not my usual self, aint it? hahas, i shall just take a gun and place it at my head and there goes, boom, si'en is dead!
bye people, have fun!
si'en i just a problematic child or teenager, and i do agree a little with what my senior or rather close friend too about what my particular leader thinks about me. she think's i'm incorrigible and it's just me in that manner, i guess being a good leader isn't the way she should react, i've encountered such problems with my juniors, it's worst than mine. mine is considered a rather mild one. but well, people who just got to know me for a short while wont get to understand what i'm actually going through. maybe it's what they called pan ni (in chinese) and it meant that it's being rebellious. well, i do agree to some extent, but i'm never given a chance to talk my soul out of me. that's why i'm led to such a state where sometimes i dont even get to understand what i am going through and how i feel. i'm an ENTJ. it's the executive or something which i am very capable in terms of leadership and leading people under me and not being a dumb follower with no brains or being an air head. well, i guess i am no longer the si'en people actually knew. sometimes i'm just not being myself so as to gain and seek people's attention in some manner, like doing stupid and dumb stuff. what ever it is, i just wanna seek attention such that people knew that i exist. whoa. this sounds rather horrible, and i just want to say that i do have the damn ego and confidence in me. but with all these stuffs like term exams results and other dumb areas, i just feel that i'm not capable of doing anth for anyone or for myself! it's just me blaming myself for every single thing. i feel dumb, speechless now. making a whoo ha over such trivial matters. but...... you dont know me inside out, how would you know how i feel right now? just shoo . i dont wanna see myself now. it's just ridiculous, my health's not working the right way i'm pressurized by my family in every single thing and since i'm the oldest i tend to think and become logically attached to certain matters. and this is making me crazy! i just wish to sleep for a super long age and hibernate like nobody's business! damn! i don't even wanna go to school. it sucks. teachers who are sometimes not being supportive. damn you.
people out there who were always there for me, i wanna say a big thank you to all of you. hugs~
i shall post the birthday pictures on another day. too lazy too. and si'en isn't in the right mind to do so. i shall just randomly upload some random pictures first! see ya then. wish me luck in everything. all i need is your love! =)
anyway, this car is damn cool! taken by morven!
sighs, looking at the above pics, is that me? urgh! i guess si'en is currently dead for now. dont call me by name. after a great celebration of being 17, now it sucks.
i need someone!!!! help!