A few words to describe my day: Insanity and torments. Torturing myself without noticing that it had already happened.

My special friend - Jackson, he was telling me that I've been torturing myself. Actually I didn't feel so, maybe I did, or somehow I'm just numbed to everything already. I've been very very exhausted recently, having late nights, not being able to sleep well and of course waking up early which I dread, just to go for work. The 8-5 kind of job, it's pathetic for me. Somehow, I did succumb it although I do feel sleepy at times. Work is a place where I can put everything to a seizure, but it goes back to square one after that. Me, not being able to face reality had came to a point where I have no interest in almost everything. I seem to be alright on the surface, however, my heart is still going round in circles. Contradictary, I felt that it is just not myself anymore. So Jack, you're right. I can't deny in a way that I've been in a helpless state. I bet he's the one who had seen me in a horrible state, minus being a drunkard. I can't afford to let him see that and of course he wouldn't allow it to happen. The same goes to my dearest senior, Anli, she plays almost the same role as him, just that she's in aussie currently.

Amazingly, I couldn't feel the agony in me ever since Sunday. It must have been buried somewhere in me. Where has it gone to? Whatever Anli and Jack had told me, it inflicts a sense of remorse for my behaviours. However, I do argue on the other end that if I don't behave according to my feelings, I will be bringing much more scars to myself. I dont't know how to stop myself from everything. I'm never in control or maybe I am, but a failed one.

Questions that I've thought about and was being questioned:
1. Is he the right guy for you?
2. Is he worthy enough for your tears and reactions ( my rebellious behaviour)?
3. What's so great about him that you've to receive such torments?

You told me, to never ever contact you ever since Friday. Of course I do want to contact him, but it's because of that, or ever since the breakup, I forced myself from contacting him. It's pretty hard, and what I saw today, it gave me a shock. I am speechless, and am left in a 50/50 state of turmoil again. I yearn to contact him, but the lines being told to me flashed back again. What am I supposed to do next? I tried to ignore all facts, I have to leave it unexplained.

Someone, guide me. Tell me. Carve the path for me and lead me. Am I facing reality right now?
Has reality slapped me?
Am I running and avoiding the truths in my life?

My stomach and gastric problems seem to come back. Health's not very good too, exhaustion sets in but with my somehow limiting strength, it pulled me through till I had to fall flat. Glad that Baoying is there for me yesterday. Ate Fish & Co and ended up forcing myself to finish my meal, it's like a way for de-stress. Bought a top - a blouse together with her, it looks smart, sexy and stylish. We have a good taste, isn't it?

Tortures are inevitable.
Day 10, how much more to go?


Replies to my tag:
Jack - Thanks for your cookies. Hmmm, so I should say, it will definitely have a different taste from last Christmas I guess? Am anticipating for it. Thanks for cheering me up, but I couldn't really bring myself to it.

Marcus - I will try my very best to overcome the whirlpool of happenings lately. Am quite lucky it happened during the hols, if not, I bet I would be much worst in a manner. I will pour my sorrows to you and the close ones in TF01. No worries. Am glad that you guys are always around.

Passerby - I guess I do need help, but I don't need it too. What more could I ask from myself or even him?

Leenx - Jack hasn't intro me to you. Kind of slow of him. I think he doesn't want to affect me since I'm seriously in my downs. Thanks for your concerns too. You 2 stay happy. =D I will be fine. So no worries. Although it's just too early to say that...