MONSTER IN THE HOUSE

2008-10-01T01:45:00.003+08:00

I haven't smiled for a really long time. When will that really come true again?

Who will be the one who can put that smile on my face again?

"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters and I'll be yours"

2008-09-28T22:57:00.010+08:00

Hi people! Monster is back, or rather sunshine is back. A nice name given by the Sand.
Dont ask me why he's called a Sand too, I'm told to do so. haha.

Wells, F1 Night Race is finally over with Fernando Alonso clinching the first ever night race title. Sadly, Kimi Raikkonen and Felipe Massa - Both the Ferrari Team, didn't make it through. Had some major cock-ups. But it's alright. They will still make it through in some manner.

Was at the scene of F1 yesterday, the 27th, Sat. Although I was sick, but I tried my very best to not be sick. Still, my body temperature is still high. It's really a fascinating sight of it, though cars passes by really quick and noises filled the air, kinda like it because it's the first experience that I had. I just love it being there because it's the fresh experience and also the liking for cars. Girls do love cars too. Amazingly, my friend's like what, you know much more about cars than me. How could you? Thanks, praise me. heh. I gotta thank my friend, Suresh, for asking me to go for the race. cheers. Some pictures of it will be uploaded but not really good ones. Couldn't really get a good take out of the face Formula one cars.
So after the roaring and palpitating axieties, quite a few buzzed me asking me to chill and party after F1. All at the wrong time. Do I look like one who likes to go to such places or will appear there almost every now and then? The answer is: I don't know. In fact, I do not like it. I would rather chill with a few of my good friends at better ambiences which I deemed better. Or just by the beach, looking at the stars, and just feeling the sea breeze. After much consideration and some negotiation, with the fact that I'm really sick, went to meet Hong Ping for a short short while. Supposed to meet her in the first place as she told me she's with another friend (girl) and needs my company for good. Reason being because her bf needs me to be there such that she could be there. So yea, I did meet her after F1 as it was near. However, instead, I met up with some people whom I didn't really wanted to see. Shall say, that's kind of least expected. There's some kind of awkward moment. It sort of affected me. Smart girl, asking me to get down for ..... So, I ignored the fact that he was there, trying to occupy myself and then told ping that I really wanted to go off. Reason: I'm not in the mood and am sick! So I kind of screwed up the plan she had in mind, or maybe there wasn't a plan initially?

Shortly after, she had some tiffs with her jerome and then it continued. Could understand how she felt. Guys.. They will still remain as guys. Girls will never get to understand what they really want. Especially if they're guys who don't know what they seriously want in life. Cut the crap for guys to say if they really know what they want or have plans if actions do not show. Have seen too many of it already. Only very few have proved to me so, and, it is that tiny few that I know.
Well, it dawned that it was the 'not in the mood day' for the both of us. I told her we should go home, so we headed for the train at 12am. 2 girls having kind of complicating problems boggling them. At least, I guess hers isn't as bad as mine. Shall not compare. Yes.

Ping actually commented informally: ' Girl, Titan so flirt ah? Why there's like a drastic change in him?'
My reply to her was: How would I know? If you count whatever you see or hear as being flirtatious at such pubby areas then maybe yes. But I have no answer for that. For me to know and for you to find out. It's him and because it's him many drastic changes can happen. And to add on, he's not really what you think. Get to know him better then you'll know. Me, once, being his girlfriend, shall not comment too much. If not, I will be accused of backlashing, back stabbing him with no justifiable facts. You shall discover it yourself. But girl, point to note, and also it's not only me saying this, once his friends and also people who have seen him once and heard about the stuffs going on, reckoned he's not as simple as it seems. He don't know what he wants and you shall hold your guard.
Ping: Why didn't you guys talk?
Me: Why should I? There's nothing to talk about and besides, he told me to never ever contact him, NEVER. So, I shall just follow suit whatever is lashed to me from that very day onwards. I'm just fulfilling his request from me. So yea.
Ping: aiyo, ni men ah ( you 2 ah), Sighs... Shakes heads

Upon replying, I felt like urgh, all these came out of my mouth? She's like kind of shocked when she actually asked me and also hearing my replies. Well, I'm a person who tells things honestly, right, Sand?? hahas. You know me too well.

Then asked for SOS when I was at Boat Quay because I seriously wanna leave that place for good. My mood and everything seriously added up on more heat. He's like, hmm why are you there? I explained then, he's like hmmm will rescue you. I didn't want to bother Sand, but yes, I did. Sand really rushed all the way from parkway (pang-sehing his friends) to home and then to escort me. Cool huh. Sorry ah. I'm really sorry dude. Running in court shoes is really not a good thing, he said. Especially up the hill of tanah merah? oh my gosh. I really owe you loads. Hint hint Xmas or maybe random days. ahahas. Many stuffs happened to me and I don't know how to explain but I should say I'm blessed to know you, Sand. Although you're in my extended circle from the beginning, but now, it's not. If you still regard as that, I will be upset. Of course I do have my cliques, the close ones and don't know whoever, but, it's just a word - different.
Waited a little bit as Sand was worried, though I said it's ok that I can go home myself since there's still extended train service. But, it's a no, answer. Expected.
So it's the 2nd day in a row, that I emo-ed to Sand. Don't ask me why it's always during these certain times. Emo-ed for quite a long time. Sick, but still, I felt that I'll feel really better after emo-ing than keeping emotions to myself. Sand said I'll take 1-3months? I don't know how long it will be. Well, Thanks a lot for the comfort and also the concerns about me. hmmms. At Guilin park, looked up at the sky and counted 13 stars. Upon looking at it, somehow, tears started rolling down. and then it continued...
Adding on - Who's the star?? I wonder if there is.
I will pick myself up again but it does take time.
Please don't fade as long as I live.
Point to note: I don't attract many guys. Though your position in my life, has caused many people to do many stuffs to get it. Somehow, none has reached the point where I deemed as a pass. So, don't try to teach anyone of them. No funny thoughts from you. hahas.

Anli is back but now she's at Shanghai? Am so so glad to see her on yesterday. She's like can we walk the F1 circuit? Sadly, gotta tell her she couldn't, but only I can. haas. I miss you so much girl. To see you back in SG again is just that great. We as usual, when we're out, it's SHOPPING Spree. Bought a pair of slippers, a sort of jacket-coat and a polo shirt. It added to don't know how much. She bought quite a lot too. When we're out it's just many going down the drain. But it's a happy thing to shop! yayness. Then met up with Sand again because he's coming to Suntec too and then passed him my shopping bags. Thanks for keeping them safe but also attracting middle-aged women to you. The stuffs I bought must have attracted them.. ponders, are you're a middle-aged lady killer? heh heh. *winks* The 3 of us met, Sand and Anli hadn't seen each other for like a long time too. So then Sand whispered some stuffs to Anli, I wonder what was he trying to tell her. Eh, I really wanna know, because you 2 had some kind of like secret and I know it's definitely bout me.
Anyway, shall see you again on Saturday when you're back girl.
Hugs and Misses.

So for today, I slept quite a bit, not a lot but had afternoon nap till before F1 started. Went to visit and return Darrel(oily) AC uniform, together with Jackson Toh and Wei Kiang. Then as usual, the 2 funny and kind of sick people. Especially oily. Bai kah but still as sick as ever. You slackerr, rot at home and still get paid by SAF which includes operational expenses. What a waste of the country's resources, do you know? I guess you should be the LOLI. It suits you. They mah-jonged and so I just see them play the game. Somehow, couldn't seem to get it no matter how hard i try. Then, headed home with them and rested till then. So basically that's my day. Didn't meet my clique for the birthday celebration as am running down a fever still and partly also something that I didn't want to portray in front of them. Something to do with them and also myself. Shall not say more. I will meet you girls tomorrow after my driving lesson. No worries, even if I'm still sick I will appear to make the day memorable. yeap that's me. Don't ask me why. Just like how unexpectedly, I upsetted Sand in a manner that day on Friday. Can 'Cui' which means to crush or just spoil
things in a maner. So I cui-ed my image and also his motto.

Things has to move on and trying to hold back doesn't do any good. Although some things remains unchanged, but history will still be a part of it.

I'm not gonna count the days I'm suffering but it's Day 21 up till date.
So...

I'll ensure that I recover very soon, and please I need my eye back. It's swollen for like 4 days already. It did subside a little today, but still, people who saw me, could see the swelled up eye and also together with the super heavy eye bags.

Till then and then again.

A real smile from me will not come so soon, but I will show you the smiles whenever possible.

I will cherish people whom I will have to.

"Tell me 3 words, 8 Letters, and I'll be yours"

2008-09-26T21:30:00.002+08:00

Jack ah Jack...
Or I should say, My Sand, my Lord sounds so much better you know??
Your girlfriend will think you're mad, since when have you been Si'En's sand?
Sounds so wrong..

Ahh... Fever's still going on and on. My right eye is like swollen into half. Jack your fault.Damn.. Someone buzz me at my phone to make me feel better?
If so, I would be really really glad, estatic.
I will wake up to thank you.
=)

A couple of my friends are at the F1 circuit now.. but I'm home.. TO REST..
Gosh.. I shall start resting to be fit for tomorrow's race and to visit oily, I know you're so lonely at home everyday. You and your cock jokes.

Till then.
Jack - I can't think of any name for myself already..
Like I dont know.

2008-09-26T17:01:00.003+08:00

I'm still sick. It's like the third day. It went up - 38 Degrees Celcius. Dang, and a day before the F1 race which I'm going for. Sighs, why???

Due to the lack of sleep, tormenting and torturing myself, crying at any point of time, not eating my meals well and almost everything that I've done to hurt myself. I do not regret, but it's a turning point I guess.

Anli and Jackson Tay have been and are still worrying about me. Their concerns are much appreciated and I cherish them a whole lot.

Am troubled and boggled by problems from many areas. It's not only my broken and already over-ed relationship, but also on stuffs like my health, my final Grade 8 exams and counting on. The one that bothers me is my clique. We do not contact that often, also due to A levels on its way, but somehow, I know you girls are there. However, the actions being shown or rather, some things that are not said, my sixth sense do tell. That's a reason why no matter what I'm facing or going through, I don't tend to tell you all. You can say I'm bringing up a brave front, maybe that's an acted one, but nevertheless, how much do you all know about me? I know you girls care, have seen some big parts of me in segments. But, ever wondered, no matter where I am, I am always there for you all? Sighs, I do not know how to continue this, shall talk about it again. I'm gonna vent it on something or someone else, maybe?

Added stuffs - will be working at Swiss Club from next month onwards, am glad that I could earn some extra cash after school hours too. Thank you Suresh for your recommendation.

F1's tonight, the ultimate and first ever night race in Singapore. I'm so proud to be a Singaporean and also that fact that I'm living here. ( though I've always wanted to migrate to let's say Aussie). Life's gotta go on, and here I am, still in my bewildered mess. I am going to clear it up and face it really soon. Maybe tonight? The next week? Or the next month? I do not know.
So here, the support from the special ones will be the ego booster for me and I will show you who's Si'En and the girl who is deemed as the special one in many, at least for you, my special friend.

P.S. My special friend has just became the sand of my life. rahhhs

xoxo

"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters, and I'll be yours"

2008-09-25T12:41:00.007+08:00

Sighs.. I seriously don't know what you guys want with me or out of me and how you guys are thinking. Could or can you guys just tell me directly what you all are thinking about?
Maybe I'm putting too much thoughts into it, maybe I'm not?

Jack - You set me thinking, once again. No wonder you're that special one. *tsktsk*
Often talks to me in a ji pua ji pua manner (neither here nor there or everywhere) in hokkien. Haiyo. I'm speechless.

I shall stand firm and will never be swayed, dude I definitely will ok.
And as promised, no more tears for 2 weeks? I will try to accomplish it and then cry later on. You expected that coming I guess?

Am seriously ill now, with fever of 37.7 degrees celcius, amazingly I'm at work. Enduring the super duper cold air-conditioning, I'm shivering a whole lot, yet I gotta tell myself I can pull through. My right eye is also swollen like some cock. Ahh.. First, it's panda eye, followed by super heavy eye bags that makes me look like a joop. oh well oh well, that's my life and so it's me - the MONSTER. Gastric's coming back, it has, oh nooooo.. My body's breaking down slowly..

Let me see for tonight, what will happen...
Anw, dude, enjoy your festive wedding dinner tonight, don't emo about it because someone can't attend it with you. There will be future and many opportunities.
And by the way, what green light you've given me? Your nonsense once again.

Anli - I'm so glad you're back even if it's a short period of a couple of days. Have fun dolling up with your new haircut. I wanna see it!

Quite a number of friends, or even my past ( ex-bfs) has told me before, a point taken. Their parents especially their Mums' have a good impression of me. So what's so good about me? Some said it's because they wish to have a daughter like me and all sorts, what kind of bullshit. Maybe I just treat their sons too well I guess. Self-praise!! hahas.
Some, like someone's mum, had some funny thought about me. Only seen me like twice and it's been in her mind? It's quite long ago already. you know who i'm talking about. No. Maybe you don't. Eh, I'm innocent and there's nothing ok? Then someone said, you know, sadly my mum had a much deeper impression of you? huh??? nonsense.

Standing firm...
Day 18..

What's that special quality that I have in me?

"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters, and I'll be yours"

2008-09-24T22:36:00.005+08:00

It's Day 17 dang. I wonder why, but amazingly, I didn't count.
Shall just do a little update because I'm really strucked down with weaknesses already - which is being sick. I felt really terrible, couldn't really eat well, breathe, it's more of like, too weak to even think or move. It felt like my body is tearing apart so so soon.

Sighs..

My life's so interesting yet not so interesting. I think someone has made it so interesting that he's gone gaga over it. Right dude?? Sharing the same name, no wonder behaving the same. Point to note: I've got nothing to do with anyone: any guys right now. Dang. Why must you link and talk about those funny stuffs? -.- Not in the mood to you know, ya. You know!!! I'm still in that very bad state... Oh wells.

A line from my previous entry:
"Only certain few will know the wonderful r/s we had. haha."
Alrights. It can be misleading as suggested. So yea, there's nothing going on in between us ever since day 1 we knew each other. The kind of r/s that we are still having right now, not had, is just unexplainable. hahas. All I know is, we know it best ourselves and it's certain few and they are those who don't need explanations but know what is really going on. Yeps.

Here are some pictures:

It's me & Jackson Toh's cap. Not that special one. Don't get me wrong.

Ben and Jerry's - Double cookie chocolate cream i suppose?

Nachos from B&J too. With the toppings -Cheese and jalapenos.
Am forced to finish this mess by him you know? But I didn't.

From Ice Monster: Durian & Mango Shaved Ice. Yummy

The game at all arcades - Basketball, the score with the help of my extraordinary friend. I can't use the word special, your good idea...

I'm that down.

Cookies from Jack - this is the special one, yea. Rated 7.5/10 =)
Thank you dude, you can give me more. hahaa

Has been telling my special extraordinary friend about the stuffs that happened to me. I didn't cry for 4 days already. So.. still trying to move on. Stuffs that some people are telling me, I chose not to bother at the moment. Wait till then, if a guy would really........
Only you know...

Till then and only then..
"Tell me 3 words, 8 letters, and I'll be yours"

2008-09-22T16:26:00.006+08:00

WOAH!
It's just very random of me, yet, not very random too. Should I say that I'm on a high or towards the roller coaster ride again.? Or..Living in a world of darkness but am trying to find the path of light?

I wonder. But nevertheless, it's still me. I don't change. I stand firm and I do know or rather, close ones knows that I'm not alright, and will never be healed so soon. You guys know me too well, I'm so touched and amazed about the kind of friends that I really had.

Yes.. Cookies from special - Jack, I shall rate it 7.5/10. It seems that this time it has some kind of weird lemony and bitter burnt taste, but it's delicious. *winks*
Your enhanced recipe ain't that bad. Cool, I should say.

It's sort of a woo ha now.
Shall reply to my tags:

Anli - I know you meant well and am really thankful for this period, will drop you a call anytime soon 24/7. hahs. Loves

Baoying - girl, you're so sweet that I couldn't start to munch you. hahas. gross! anw, yea we're in the same class and you may or may not see the madness in me anymore. My down period is up now, sadly. So don't miss the old times of me. hehs. Thanks girl for your listening ear and support too. I won't be misled by the stories. No worries. I hope I do feel better each day too. I will try my very best. Love you too. =)

Jack - What eek? and what due time? hahas. You can't escape ok! And of course, I agree almost more than half of it for your reply to passerby, it is like really the end of my world. If not, why would I be in such a state now? I wouldn't be so if it didn't hurt of impacted me much I should say. The eyes.. told you, I don't mind it popping out, biongs!!! and I will try ok.. This time, this promise is kind of hard. I can't promise this to anyone to you or whoever, you know ah. lols.

Passerby -
Tag 1: get a grip of myself, just because it's only a r/s? I do agree with that, like without a r/s, you wouldn't die or can't carry on with your life. But, did you ever think, if you were the one facing the reality I am encountering? Maybe or maybe not, you can carry on eventfully in a nick of time, but the scars will still remain and it can never be mended. In any case, you weren't the one experiencing what I'm facing, so yea, you wouldn't know how it feels in some sense.
Tag 2: Of course, he would want or chose to defend me that's because he's my special friend and in many cases, no one actually does understand the kind of r/s that we have. It's not some kind of platonic, oh please. He doesn't and has never had anything in mind with me right from the start. I guess you should understand the situation at the very least? and in fact, in any case, he will be defending, supporting of opposing me when deemed to be rightful. So it's not only during such a period that he will be there for me. He's always there. Lines are drawn but maybe it seems to everyone that it's not. Only certain few will know the wonderful r/s we had. haha.

Crius - what an interesting name. =) oh wells, I will take good care of my health as much as I can and want to, but some circumstances would hinder me to do so. No worries about me.Will stay happy and it's almost impossible to not think about it. I did try my ultimate best doing many other stuffs and so on. It will come back to me somehow.

2008-09-22T00:16:00.003+08:00

Was out with my special best friend. His aim: To tire me out in whatever way he deemed.. But... It sort of failed? He admitted it too.

Went to eat at Ice Monster at Plaza Singapura. It's really cool, because it's just MONSTER!
Nice dessert - Mango and Durian ice.. Delicious. Pictures will be uploaded with the stuffs that I've eaten recently and of course they've savoury. Oh gawd!!!
Then went to do the usual energy spicing kind of stuff - the arcade: basketball.
It did exhaust my muscles a little, but not a lot.

My mind's wandering around and I thought I wouldn't tear or cry today. That's also because my special friend is there with me. But nevertheless, I'm just trying to put a strong front anywhere and everywhere I go.
However...
I cried and yes, Jack ah. You are... I'm speechless. You're just way too nice. But I thank you for that too. Sighs. How I wish I have 365 days just to cry and do nothing.

A phrase that will be left in my mind and always:
Tell me three words, eight letters and I'll be yours.
Sounds familiar?
Ahhh.. yes, it is from Gossip Girl Season 2 episode 1. When Blair told this to Chuck Bass. A playboy yet, is stumbled upon such a question. Salutes, this shows how much he loves Blair? Hmmm maybe.. The story still continues on. It's interesting. hahas. Am kind of shocked that guys do watch this US drama series too. Cheers to it.

Anyone who tells me that.. Hmm. I shall see when that will happen..

Till then, it's Day 15. Subconsciously I'm counting. Amazingly.

2008-09-21T01:22:00.002+08:00

Went to Dempsey Hill - Ben and Jerry's. A hot and humid Saturday. Had some catching up again with my senior. Didn't eat my lunch but just had double scooped cookie ice cream tbat I bought and a little of the Nachos which he actually forced me to eat. So we chilled and basically it's just having a laid back Sat.
Then... Time to go home and in the cab.
I broke down. And this time in front of Jackson Toh. Unglamarous of me again.
He told me I would be alright and everything will be over soon. Sighs, will it be?
Thanks for the past 2 days, some comfort and also for sending me home real early, asking me to rest.

Reached home, was a little better.
However, I couldn't stop myself from the agony i'm facing again.
So...
Tears rolled down and then it started all over again.

Till then, Day 14.
it's just really bad.

2008-09-17T22:10:00.005+08:00

A few words to describe my day: Insanity and torments. Torturing myself without noticing that it had already happened.

My special friend - Jackson, he was telling me that I've been torturing myself. Actually I didn't feel so, maybe I did, or somehow I'm just numbed to everything already. I've been very very exhausted recently, having late nights, not being able to sleep well and of course waking up early which I dread, just to go for work. The 8-5 kind of job, it's pathetic for me. Somehow, I did succumb it although I do feel sleepy at times. Work is a place where I can put everything to a seizure, but it goes back to square one after that. Me, not being able to face reality had came to a point where I have no interest in almost everything. I seem to be alright on the surface, however, my heart is still going round in circles. Contradictary, I felt that it is just not myself anymore. So Jack, you're right. I can't deny in a way that I've been in a helpless state. I bet he's the one who had seen me in a horrible state, minus being a drunkard. I can't afford to let him see that and of course he wouldn't allow it to happen. The same goes to my dearest senior, Anli, she plays almost the same role as him, just that she's in aussie currently.

Amazingly, I couldn't feel the agony in me ever since Sunday. It must have been buried somewhere in me. Where has it gone to? Whatever Anli and Jack had told me, it inflicts a sense of remorse for my behaviours. However, I do argue on the other end that if I don't behave according to my feelings, I will be bringing much more scars to myself. I dont't know how to stop myself from everything. I'm never in control or maybe I am, but a failed one.

Questions that I've thought about and was being questioned:
1. Is he the right guy for you?
2. Is he worthy enough for your tears and reactions ( my rebellious behaviour)?
3. What's so great about him that you've to receive such torments?

You told me, to never ever contact you ever since Friday. Of course I do want to contact him, but it's because of that, or ever since the breakup, I forced myself from contacting him. It's pretty hard, and what I saw today, it gave me a shock. I am speechless, and am left in a 50/50 state of turmoil again. I yearn to contact him, but the lines being told to me flashed back again. What am I supposed to do next? I tried to ignore all facts, I have to leave it unexplained.

Someone, guide me. Tell me. Carve the path for me and lead me. Am I facing reality right now?
Has reality slapped me?
Am I running and avoiding the truths in my life?

My stomach and gastric problems seem to come back. Health's not very good too, exhaustion sets in but with my somehow limiting strength, it pulled me through till I had to fall flat. Glad that Baoying is there for me yesterday. Ate Fish & Co and ended up forcing myself to finish my meal, it's like a way for de-stress. Bought a top - a blouse together with her, it looks smart, sexy and stylish. We have a good taste, isn't it?

Tortures are inevitable.
Day 10, how much more to go?

Replies to my tag:
Jack - Thanks for your cookies. Hmmm, so I should say, it will definitely have a different taste from last Christmas I guess? Am anticipating for it. Thanks for cheering me up, but I couldn't really bring myself to it.

Marcus - I will try my very best to overcome the whirlpool of happenings lately. Am quite lucky it happened during the hols, if not, I bet I would be much worst in a manner. I will pour my sorrows to you and the close ones in TF01. No worries. Am glad that you guys are always around.

Passerby - I guess I do need help, but I don't need it too. What more could I ask from myself or even him?

Leenx - Jack hasn't intro me to you. Kind of slow of him. I think he doesn't want to affect me since I'm seriously in my downs. Thanks for your concerns too. You 2 stay happy. =D I will be fine. So no worries. Although it's just too early to say that...

2008-09-16T17:12:00.003+08:00

I can't deny that I still do think about the unncessary stuffs in my life, that'll never ever happen in my life again. Well, it's part and parcel of life and I have to live with it. It is really hard to overcome such circumstances but what else more could I do?
Issues that matters the heart are always complicated and devilish.

I feel very blessed to have great friends around me and they're of course, my good and best friends. Friends who are worthy are hard to come by. And, it happened so that I have them as a part of my life, I could say.

Results came out, not a very ideal GPA though. But comparable to many actually. I've set high standards for myself but yet it's still unachieved. But I couldn't have gotten such results without the help and motivation of my wonderful friends. Shall not name. You know who you are.
I've been wondering around, everywhere and also not working hard enough but relying on last minute rush of knowledge. I will work towards my goals for the next semester and of course to set my priorities right. Time to choose timetables and my clique is super screwed into thinking of which to choose out of the 5. We will and shall never part.

Meeting Baoying (my baobao) later on. Some crazy girl in my life.

Few minutes before I head off from work and it's just another day for me.

Day 9 I should say and am overcoming the struggles slowly.

2008-09-14T19:22:00.003+08:00

Sometimes being alone is a good thing, but I doubt so, it'll set you thinking on and on. Being wild I guess. Such processess will continue on its way and soon enough, you'll lock yourself up and show no interest in everything.
So adding on and to update, I've just reached home and that's less than 24hours ever since 8pm yesterday. I will be safe, till then, but no guarantees. I hurt myself and I love the process of it. No, actually I don't. I drank again, in shots this time round. And yes, dang, came home to get some fucking hell screwed out of me. So it's obviously good that I were to never ever come back home again right? How I wish I could, but I couldn't right now.
Here's my reason: I have no clothes, no place to stay, simply put, who will want to keep me for quite some time? That's why I gotta come home first. If not I would, no, I will get out of everyone's life.

I will, no one's forcing me to. I'm going away on my own accord.
Jackson and Anli - I may and will MIA for quite some time. You guys can reach me at any time but I may not be available.

Baoying - Am glad that you will meet me everyday. Starting from tomorrow. I don't wish to be alone every moment.

Get me somewhere please. I'm a nobody now, of no where to go, stranded in a faraway land which I couldn't resolve and get out of it.
Someone, if possible, save me from the agony and countless piercings that I'm going through right now.
I wish I can disappear right now and yes it's now....
Dya 7 and still it's gonna continue...

2008-09-13T13:49:00.005+08:00

Anli - If you do get to see this. Just wanna tell you that I reached home at 6.30am. I'm safe. Don't worry ok. I've sent an sms to you. Wonder if you did receive. So sorry for letting you call me again. It's very expensive. I will motivate myself to forget him alright? I can't guarantee that I wouldn't hurt myself but I won't poison myself again.

I'm deeply hurt three sixty. It's unbearable and I know there's also faults from me that created this, but there are some stuffs that I didn't tell anyone about the hurt he had done to me. No point too, like how I wanna tell him too. So as told, even if you so wanna patch back, but he had already made his point clear and he doesn't want to listen to you anymore, don't try to explain whatever that has left. There's no point. I see that, and it hurts again.

Too many things to say, thank you Jack. I wouldn't distant or create a barrier with you. Sorry if I ever did.

Jack told me stuffs which I knew that's why he had faded out before,
so here it is: you were irritating, pisses people off, don't put your message across easily, don't get what people are trying to tell you when it's so obvious, have no thought of the feelings of others, although you don't mean to for all of that like seriously, but there's one big special quality that I see in you. Is that what you told some people?? Wonder if it's true...Till the day a guy who sees that, he'll be the guy that you will be with. Although telling me bout the future guy thing doesn't really help. Told you I'll be single already, believe me. ahhh.. SO what's that?? I really wonder. Sorry if i cried a lot but you said I have to. Unglamarous again. The deal is, if I have seriously gotten over him and felt nothing the next time, he will give me the answer because it's a whole lot. ??????? That's the motivation that I have to work towards to. Sighs. I will try. Because he has already forgotten about us what, so I should do the same too, and to get backlashing from him again, when I've already told him on the phone. That's when I called you alright which made me wanna call you. That's not what I said after the phone thing. WTH.
To add on - he told me some stuffs about titan which will happen but I should not worry too much about him. He knows I will in time to come. dang ok. shall not. I will start worrying about myself, my health and before school starts.
Please don't tear or cry. Just read your blog. You're fast at posting. Your blog made me cry. My heart would ache too. And many people will. My posts at my blog ain't that of an effect. No one would feel that same way as me. I will cry in the rain as recommended by you. I will do that.

It's only Day 6 and I wouldn't know how much I have to endure. It's terrible. The only thing to do is if I could MIA right now...

2008-09-12T16:55:00.002+08:00

What should I say about my day when it's TGIF?
I should say it's kinda boring at work, my task ever since the past week was to key in datas. The good point of it was it improves and speeds up my typing. Actually not really, but in a manner, yes! Am on a diet and also saving up my money since the amount left for me is kind of mediocre for now. It's spent on alcohol, driving and other miscellaneous expenses that I have. Gotta be a little thrifty to do some shopping.

I wanted to meet him, but it seems that I can't for today. Anyway, a note for you. If you really need someone and there's no one there to listen to your sorrows, I will be here. No worries.

Work's gonna end for today and it will be a cycle again on Monday.
I will continue to divert my attention everywhere and it's really great to have 2 very good buddies, I do see them as my brother and sister. You should know who you are. The 2 mysterious yet happening people. Thank you and with lotsa love. You guys are filled with love for the moment too. Elated for you two.

So... What's up next?
A shopping spree or window shopping with my beloved Baoying?
It depends on my mood too.
Grandma's birthday tomorrow and a House-warming session to attend.
1. Mooncake/Lantern Festival is on Sunday, celebrations will be this sat and sunday.
Sit back and relax in a garden of yours and look up into the sky. Tasting the sweetness of the mooncake with a sip of the chinese tea.
2. Porsche Night @ OOSH which is at Dempsey Road tonight. How cool it is. Do join the fun if you are to dine there.
It will be an ideal weekend for almost all of you. Enjoy, everyone!

I shall not blog about my broken heart or sad moments all the time. I hope that this is sort of a good beginning to start with. But spare me if I were to have dark moments again.

It's not as easy as it seems, being on your own and the decisions lies with you.
I need the courage and the perserverance to lead on...

2008-09-11T15:04:00.004+08:00

Alrights. My night yesterday was quite of a havoc. Indeed!
Suresh and yishu accompanied me to drink at Holland Village. Thanks dudes.
Suresh also did listen to my sorrows, I was like telling him that I'm that a lousy friend or girlfriend to anyone. He did try to cheer me on, but it's kind of hard with me pouring all over. But it was still helpful in a manner with him telling me some stuffs that I would want to hear.

Many people buzzed my phone. Spammed me and all sorts. They were all really and seriously worried about me. Especially when I didn't answer their calls it became worst.
A sudden thought came to my mind: Why are they all calling at this time? Or did they have a hunch that I wasn't alright?
These are the people who called and msg-ed me profusely:
Jackson, Shawn, Michael ( another michael friend of mine), Timothy, Anli, Alicia, Cheryl.

Didn't want to bother my special friend. But still, I did tell him that I was out drinking at which place and will be out till late of course. He buzzed me quite a lot, and with me not answering, it's much worst. He was really worried, and wanted to cab down to send me home. But finally my friend Timothy drove me home so he didn't have to cab down to find me. Thanks a lot dude. I really owe you a lot ever since the first day I knew you. That's what I've felt all along. Very hard to explain but I do treasure the friendship we had.

Thanks to Timothy, he spotted me at Holland Village. I didn't realise you're there dude. He's kind of shocked why I was there drinking. He knew something must be up. Am glad you didn't leave although you wanted to. So you waited at the carpark and knew that I needed your ride home? Although I said bring me to powerhouse and you said I'm crazy. That's really nice of you to wait for me and the for the safe ride home. And you're like si'en ah x2, what's up with you, come on, you shouldn't be in such a state. Upon hearing, it made me worst, waterfall all the way.

Was supposed to go to powerhouse to meet the girls, but I ended up puking. I didn't drink much, I know too, I drank really fast, I gulped the glasses that I have. So yea, my friends stopped me from going and I was crying to cheryl at that time. Explaining why I can't appear there. Thanks to everyone who were there for me. I'm seriously grateful for that.

My dearest did call too. Quite expensive for her. I will call you again, but you better pick up this time. You do know my efforts! heh heh. After reading my post you should know I'm drunk earlier this morning. And yes, Jack actually did reply your tag at his blog. Do read it. Am so touched. You 2 are always there for me.

Sorry peeps for leaving all of you ups and downs for me. I will be fine, although it is something to prevent you all from worrying about me, but I gotta do so. If not, you all will still worry. So please don't. I will settle my emotions on my own, hopefully. Just wanna thank all of you.
The last thing that made my day a little.
Somehow I stereotype all guys, but..
This is what Suresh said.
You know, girls like you at this very point are very vulnerable to get a fling or get fling-ed, but yet, you're the girl who's much way different from the ones that are on the streets. You're just that special friend that all guys would want to cherish a friendship with you. You're indeed a good girl who deserve much better. You don't deserve this hardship that you're going through.
Upon hearing this, yes, jackson had told me that long ago too. So, I'm glad that these few people had told me. Because, I hate guys who just wanna be there for the girl and after that, for whatever reasons, the ambience or what moment it seems, they'll start to fall for each other at that moment for that lust. This is not what I want. I don't even wish for such a situation to happen. All I ask for are really good friends, and especially if they're guys, just to be there for me and see my unglamarous sight. I'm alright with it as long as I'm able to unlock the emotions in my heart.

So, of course, I didn't appear for work, hopefully they won't sack me please. I owe people money now and I'm in need of that for my expenses. Piano lessons later on followed by driving. Will be meeting special friend to get mooncake and off I go.

I will endure this and it's only day 5 for me. Many more to go...

2008-09-10T00:22:00.002+08:00

This is day 3 cum 4.
I have got nothing to say. Speechless.
What made me laughed my eyes off is this:
Do you know what's a blowjob?
Ans: Er... Yea.. It is some kind of a plastic surgery right?
My reply: I'm so amazed. Woah.

Like oh my gosh. I seriously have too much to comment on that. hahas
Dang. You've brightened up my day seriously. I meant for ytd night. I gotta educate you more a little, or let your friends do. muahaha.

I have to act like nothing has happened.
To drink at Holland V today which is at evening. Then to meet the girls at powerhouse. How to make it for work on thursday? I think I'll just die of exhaustion. A need for money indeed and a need to let my hearts all out. With failed relationship, I guess, from now onwards, I shall be single. Yes!! Let's go on a girls date.

Anli - Thanks a lot once again. For the overseas call. hahas. Am so glad to hear you sweet little voice. Having loads of fun at aussie right? When you're back, we shall party together because it's time to!

People, cheer me up please. Anything that will divert my attention to elsewhere please do so. I can't be alone. When I am, I go insane. Am glad and thankful to those who listened to my sorrows and cries. So far, it's the both of you. =D

F1 is awaiting me but it seems that there's some problems with the tickets on my friend's end. Hope it isn't that bad.

I knew I've loved you more than once and it's really bad to be left alone now.

2008-09-08T23:47:00.002+08:00

Si'En is always inferior. No matter what. It seems that he's still living in his past. I'm just that lousy.
Cried teared when i talked to my overseas senior. Yea, breakup season right? Both your good friends have broken up. Sighs.

So ya, I felt terrible for 2 whole days and am getting sick soon.
Anw I'm going for F1 this 27th sept. Am glad but not as glad too.
Sighs.
I screwed up my r/s, my life, my everything.
He didn't want to reply me or confirm anth. So i'll just leave it till he wanna reply i guess.

I can't think of anything to write about. Just that I'm freaking moody.
To add on, I've been having abdominal pains recently. Dang. Maybe I'm having some cancer. haha

2008-09-07T23:31:00.005+08:00

So yes. I have to update many people about my life. Sometimes I do wish that I do not have to. But it seems that I still ought to do so. Especially special close friends. You know who you are. I know you guys care, but I do hope that I wouldn't be a burden to any of you. That's simply because, you all are dear to me. The love and care being showered to me is inevitable from all of you. Thanks.

I am said to be a destructive person by him. I have caused many scars to him. Well, yes I did, but it was all right from the start. A wrong start for the both of us. My super special friend jacko said 'you reap what you sow'. I felt really so. Yes, I do get that impact right now. So far, he's the other person who knows how i felt about this whole relationship. Besides him it's guan keat, my old friend. He knows about it too right from the beginning. I do wonder how he got to know so much about me at the point that he actually had a liking for me ever since till that day. Must be my friend telling loads of stuffs about me and my personality. Ever since, so ya, he fell for me. like idiot. I didn't know till months later. And so that's the reason I've been wondering. So we aren't on good terms anymore. The reason is because he couldn't convince me to stay away from TT? And didn't want to see me seriously hurt by him again and again? ahh. Maybe I do regret right now, but why should I? Because it had already happened and has happened. Was updating jack about gk. Gk's doing fine right now, going into NS real soon and had passed his driving not long ago i guess? Although he met up with a sort of accident but was solved shortly. Is doing great with his gf michelle. My friend, enough of your funny jokes btw me and gk. It's already in the past ah. He's moved on with someone else. Really felt like a laughing stock. You ah, didn't caution me earlier bout what he's trying to do to me. Anyway, all these have been a history of mine. I'm glad to hear that my long lost friend is doing well. Everyone's doing well, and when I looked upon myself, I am not doing so so well. Am I? Indeed, I teared. No, I didn't. I cried terribly,and it's that bad. It shocked him to the extent that he teared too. Was worst when my phone got some kind of techincal probs. kaoz. Dude, I know I'm your special friend, but not to such an extent right? Your gf will worry a lot too. Like waking up at such a weird time, which is when I called for immediate rescue at the hotline 999. Do take care of yourself and do not worry about me because I will be fine. GF is more impt. Got it? That's my main concern. Although you're ranked the first few on my list too. Even if i'm not fine, I wouldn't want to be something between the both of you. I want my special friend to have a long lasting r/s too. OK???
Would like to thank you for the few hours of letting me divert my attention to something else. Like venting of anger on balls? Letting me wander my mind off. t's good because I didn't drink or smoke. I will hold on to my promise. It's because it's not only you, but also to him. You ah, Zai la. At least you're able to set my mind thinking not about him but some weird stuffs. Played few round of the game in his psp. AM glad that I improved ok!!! So don't anyhow. I We will never be able to get together again. I don't know how to talk to him already. It seems that there's nothing in common at every angle. I will still be there for him no matter what. But it will be at a status of a normal friend. For my side, will I still contact him? It takes time for me to heal. I won't shun or isolate myself from anyone. Special friend had this hunch that I will at the very end. I hope I wouldn't. Because your hunch super duper accurate. Like what I've told you, I've already planned my schedule in a packed manner. Such as to drain myself from insignificant thoughts. Hopefully, I won't just die flat with my weak condition. Ahhh. It's really killing me.
This is only day 1. And i'm still counting.

Jackson - Take care of yourself first. Don't worry about me. I will be fine just like your blog. haha. Your end which is her is much more impt than how I am right now. I am just very elated to have a wonderful special good friend like you. A treat will come in time. When you're free.

Wayne - I guess I'm alright. Although, I'm really hurt. We're not together already. I think this wouldn't shock you. Just like how I told cheryl.

Anli - if you happen to read my posts, yes, don't worry much about me ok. I will be waiting for your return. Maybe I should just leave this country at once. Like how I did previously.

Michael - I'm alright. No worries.

My LMAOs - Girls, I will update you all again after ur prelims ok? Don't worry about me at the moment. It's just life and part and parcel of it. I gotta endure. I won't isolate myself like how i did in the past. Kind of scary I guess.

So...
To end off, Bao ying I hoped you liked to company of the few of us. It's like us being quite close. I'm glad to organise this despite the fact that I'm not myself. I hope you liked the small celebration girl. Happy 18 once again. Will upload the pics some other time. Send me those that I didn't capture.
When will my memorable celebration or day come again?

Day 1 and there are still many more to succumb.
I will not MIA. So don't worry. Will not isolate myself in any manner. So if I do, please tell me.
Afterall, we weren't meant together due to the many difference and weird perspectives that we had. I did made many faults but the greatest fault that I've found in myself and also in him is just a long story behind. I guess it has explained itself already, and I guess you're right (GK). I've used someone and in return I'm being used in a wrong manner.
I wish all the best for you and I'm just a listening ear ahead if you wouldn't mind.

2008-09-07T05:27:00.002+08:00

I'm very heartbroken.
So I cried till this moment.
Yes, it is hard to forget everything.
But.. life's just like that.

Baoying. Happy 18th. But don't blame me for not being able to celebrate well later on ok?
Because I'm really down. Maybe we can go for a drink later on. Explain to you again soon.

Thanks a lot my good friend. I will try my best not to drink not to smoke not to do whatever stuffs, especially with drugs. I know you'll be there 24/7 although you're attached. but thanks. Seriously. You're a great friend. Idiot shit. I will only make that decision when I think it's right. You've just reminded me of that. Actually that's not my plan after the break.

And to you titan. I will try my best to not remember you in that manner. It hurts deep down. And i'm just shocked to get such a news from you. Well, I cried a lot that's because you've left a scar in me. Maybe I did the same to you too. I just hope that the decision that you've made would be best afterall.

I shall start counting. Till when it's right.
A girl who will not be ordinary anymore.

2008-09-06T13:44:00.002+08:00

I must say I'm a happy girl now. yea.. that happy.
Had my first driving lesson. It's really great and met one of my friends while i was at BBDC. The guy whom my ex thought i liked while I was with him. Dang. You guys suck. Don't know what you all were thinking. So yea, driving was sort of tiring for my legs that's because I'm not used to it. I'm a fast driver as commented. I think I'll be a dangerous one. Like how my parents are. hahas

Am gonna head off to school already for the NAA event. It will be an eventful night later on. It was sort of an eventful night for me too.
Titan - Are you mad or something? If you wanna ignore me, then ignore all the way. I can't be bothered by your funny stuffs. I returned your call shortly after but wtf you don't even wanna reply me. Just to tell you, you've made my day. That's why I'm a happy person. Thanks dude. You would say I'm not there for you. FUCK. I am always there for you. Why don't you think you're not? You ordered me to do anything I did la. The first ever person who'll order me to do anything for you. DAMN. I'm not your toy or dog. So if you feel like talking to me, then you shall contact me. At the moment, which I know, you won't.

Jackson - Am glad you're doing well, sorry for the very very late reply from your good friend here. Although it's one day late but still I did reply. Ain't it? Continue the sweetness and stop being mushy on your blog la. Kaoz.

Baoying - am organising your birthday celebration for tmr. Hope it is memorable. Because my birthday isn't as great. It's a screwed up one. See ya girl. Happy 18 in advance, besides my prank msg-es earlier today. +D

2008-09-03T21:26:00.002+08:00

Should I be feeling at the top of the world or should I just cast myself right down to the earth?
I am just so mistakenly accused of doing whatever stuffs that leads to another. So what now? My mum doesn't know how i feel, alrights, maybe she does. I do know that she has her concerns and all is well for me. But do you know that, I don't take you all for granted? I don't think highly of myself, if I really did, I would not even respect you even in the worst situation of bearing all consequences on my own. You seriously hurt my feelings at the struck of that moment. I put on that strong and unbeatable armour of mine. It's a heartache for me, do you know that? I know that either one of you would leave at any point of time, which is why I'm working so hard on myself on almost every single issue. Although I do not at certain points, that's because I do have stress too. Don't you remember, I would get a relapse of any of my historic illnesses? It can just strike me like a lightning. You wouldn't want to see an insane daughter right? To many points, I've controlled my emotions, which, isn't a good way. It leads to some kind of emotional madness according to scientific studies. Well, I wish to say no more. That's because, you're still at my utmost priority. I hope that no one would ever treat us like the way they've to our family. No matter how good your conscience is, you're being lashed back instantly for your goodness. The world is totally unfair, the good people don't get the good stuffs in return but guess what? Doubly shits!

Well, my senior called me from Adelaide, whenever I see this word 'unknown' appearing at the buzzing phone of mine, I knew it's her. How I wish I have a nice and wonderful sister like her. She's really great. I'm indeed touched. Because it's pretty expensive to call internationally. Girl, we won't be a distancing away. No worries, whenever I have problems I will just nudge you to tell you in advance alrights?? I wouldn't want anyone to worry about me, especially you, being overseas. Am glad that you did well at your presentation today. Just motivate yourself to do well in your uni economic modules and you'll be good. Don't sleep too late because I know and you know it well too. It's bad for complexion and your health. We both have the same problems I guess. Health issues. hehs. So do take care. I will be here anytime for you too. Just nudge me and i'll be over in a couple. Will call you soon enough, but you gotta give me an early notice.

So.. was talking to her regarding some issues. She's worried about me. That's because of the posts on my blog recently. It's only the few of you that can understand my language. The minimal kind. I'm really happy that it's the few of you. But not so too. Wonder why.. and then her connection got cut off instantly when we're on the hot topic. ahhhh. shall continue again ok. I guess I'm alright. Li Hui and Anli, you girls don't worry too much about me right now. I assure you all, if you don't hear a phone call from me, it means I'm sane emotionally. Deal?
Concentrate on your books people. While I'm here, working through my hols and learning new stuffs at the same time too. See you all soon ok! =D

While working today, some nasty incidents flashed through my mind. It's really destructive and I just tried to distract myself by stopping the works of my brain. Damn. At least I was at work, if not, I wouldn't know what would happen.

Recently, I found a little more of myself.
Things which I didn't know people had looked at me in such a manner.
They are:
1. Hanging loosely around
2. Stuck up with this bloody ego
3. Selfish
4. And then it comes to being selfless too
5. Thinking highly of myself
6. Has no feelings for others
7. Toying of people's feelings
8. Loves to hang with people who loose themselves

I can't really remember much of it. There are more. But there are 2 more to it. I want it to be a top 10 kind of things that I don't know about myself.
So.. Please tell me the other 2 stuffs? I'm really desperate. Maybe the word desperate should enter into the list too.

And yes.. Give some thought to it. Do you want to have friends who are virgins or aren't virgins?
Then I shall continue with the relevant stuffs that had been going through in my mind. It has been there for quite some time. And yea, does peer pressure force you into doing something that may be seriously out of your morales?

2008-09-02T21:52:00.003+08:00

Enough of the sad stuffs that I have and have been going through. I felt seriously bad enough to have hurt anyone around me. I'm so sorry and I hope it won't ever happen again. And if i did in the future, it's unintentional. I would have hurt you it's because of the insecurity that I have and also the confidence that's lacking in myself. Besides, it's also the many incidents that had happened during the whole of this relationship. It's really a long long story. I bet no one actually knew. Maybe there are? The humiliation that I face and all sorts. I wouldn't want to talk about it because I will be the one who's totally at fault. So.. I'll just heck. I will never be the one who's right about anything. Sighs.
So.. Drinking, smoking and any others relating to it, it's nothing of anyone's business. It's mine.

To move away from all the bad happenings that I have in my life, I'm a happy person today!!!
I passed my BTT!! WHOO. I did the test like twice to ensure that I can pass. hahas. And idiotically, I didn't bring my specs or put on contacts, so I didn't pass my vision test. I could see everything but that last small tiny weany letter E!!!! DANG. so yea, I gotta make a trip down again to apply for my PDL before the start of my driving lessons.
Thanks Suresh and your whoever friend who actually came down to wait for me. Although I've wasted like an hour plus. So sorry.

Then, went for some grooming session. Freaking broke now. I had a change of plan today. Didn't visit oily (darrel) and his operated knee. Another day ok dude? Stop slacking at home while in NS. I went to the salon cut, dyed and had treatment for like more than 2 hours or so. I guess it's not that bad. Bao ying thinks I'm crazy. Supposed to have her and the others to accompany. Well, so it means we can have much more time bonding together you know, girl. So yea, then Joson was like waiting for me at gombak to pass the AC econs notes to me. It's a whole load of it. Anli - mission is complete. Will help you send this pile to Adelaide.

Joson - Good luck studying for your A levels, in 6 weeks time. Do well and we'll hang out again soon enough. Hopefully, I'm also free by then. You'll have my support. Feel free to call me out for mugging session. I do need them too. The song sung by jerry yan is nice. Send me ok!! thanks.

Working tomorrow till Friday. Yes, the cash to fill my pocket again. Embarrassment today, swiped the card like 4 times and it couldn't get through. hahas. like gosh.

It's the hols, but I'm not really free. Free? To a certain extent. But there's so many things for me to do and complete it. Too many things on my mind, too many things to accomplish, when will I ever get time to myself? For soul searching again? I guess I shall not. It leads to emotional stress sooner or later. So.... just slug like nothing's bothering me. You're on your own when you've made the move to step into another world.

Gossip girl season 2 is out. So do catch it. I'm almost done with season 1 already. Like within 2 days. I'm that fassstttt.

Note of the day:
Do not be wavered by how people look at you. Your innocence still does exist.
Wait for the right person to discover it and you'll be fine.
Loose or unscrewed, it all depends on yourself. You can't be judged in that manner anymore.

To rebel is the solution to certain issues but practically it seems that it's almost to everything.

2008-09-01T11:12:00.004+08:00

Have been thinking a lot lately. That's when I actually thought about my life, should I be single and endure everything alone or just let him be there to support me. So, I decided to give myself a break and not turn up for work. Emo - ing lately. And I guess I need to regain the confidence in myself. Sighs. I felt quite screwed up. Having the load to uphold my values and also the situations around me.

Have been tearing a lot. When I see you or even when I don't. I'm not pretty sure, but somehow I just wanna ease myself in a manner. Sorry for ytd, for some irrational kind of thought and words that came out from me.
To you - I fear losing actually almost everyone. Be it a friend or boyfriend/girlfriend and whatsoever. I do hope that we can succumb the many differences. I wouldn't want the setback to haunt on me again. I'm actually on the verge of losing anyone at any point of time. It's hard for anyone to understand, but it's just the life that I'm going through. So I hope, you would be the last one there for me. Like the one that I can trust and sow my efforts within.

Just emailed Mr Shaw recently, am glad to receive his reply although he's pretty busy for preparation to his next adventures - travelling and also to Mexico, his next destination. TF04 will definitely miss you tonnes. I guess almost anyone in Ngee Ann Poly, especially for your BCOMM lessons. So.. He replied and gave me a whole load of comments for my BCOMM presentations.

This is the email reply from him:

Hi Erica, Yes, I've been a little busy lately with finishing things at Ngee Ann and getting ready for my next adventures -- traveling for about 6 weeks and then moving to Mexico. But all is well. Regarding your oral presentation... Let me first say, I was impressed from the beginning of the semester (your first presentation) with your overall confidence when speaking. You gave the impression that you believed in what you were speaking about, and you were bold and enthusiastic about it. This is terrific and I encourage you to maintain this demeanor for all of your future presentations. You even improved with this confidence throughout the semester. I felt that it was the highlight of your final presentation. Overall, your final presentation was very good. Although, you did have a few instances where you got "stuck" and had a couple of awkward pauses. This is normal, and the best solution is usually just more practice. Practicing your specific speech more so that you know exactly what to expect when delivering the speech, but also practicing being in front of an audience more as well. Often times when people get nervous in front of an audience, one result is getting stuck when transitioning from one topic to the next. Becoming more comfortable in front of audiences through practice is the best cure. I hope that through this semester, you've been able to feel more comfortable speaking in front of relatively large audiences. It's not easy! Another quick note: your eye contact was good, but as for everyone, it can still be improved. Think of the "1 second rule" -- try to make eye contact with a person for 1 second, and then move on to someone else, and then someone else, and then someone else, etc. Establish a personal connection with the audience. It really does help to build trust and convince the audience that you really believe in your topic. So, I can't tell you exactly right now (things are still being finalized), but I will say that I gave you excellent marks for your oral presentations. Your marks for the writing assessments were on the lower side, but your oral presentation marks (30%) definitely helped your overall grade a lot. I hope the break has been treating you well!

GOSH GOSH!!!
Oh my.. Quite bad. I do know I've not been practising on writing a lot recently. Not recently but almost close to like a year kind of thing ever since getting out of JC. RAHHHH. I hope I can get like above a B grade. Like seriously, it will be very bad if I get lower than that. My overall GPA will just be very very low. I have this hunch, it'll definitely be very accurate! Trust me.

BTT is tomorrow and have been trying the questions online. Quite a number of mistakes, and like sort of demoralize me. Dang! Will continue to pract again. Wish me the best of luck.
Suresh who's my BTT expert will be accompanying me tmr!! Great! My supper buddy who stays quite near me. haha.
Please let me pass!!!!

Apple - Thanks for the chalet. Love you girl!! hahas. meet up again. It's great to meet up with you guys.

2008-08-30T22:16:00.003+08:00

I've finally started being much more myself towards him. yea i think it's some sort of a great improvement? I just do hope that he is really the right one since I've already made the choice.

Anw, to my good friend. It's alright but you know thinking from a girl's point, must have some distance. To prevent any misunderstanding. And I will be alright, no matter how, I gotta be. Do not be stressed as it's only a beginning and it'll be a good one in fact. Have faith.

Cheerios..
I will be meeting him tomorrow. Hope it goes out well...

2008-08-24T02:55:00.006+08:00

Finally, I've watched Hot Shot (籃球火)! It's awesome. Chiong-ing all the dramas that I've missed.
Missed the fireworks by Korea, but was told that it wasn't as good. Although it was to be a time to put everything behind me, but at the very least I wasn't there.

Branson called me and said he saw me there, I wasn't. At least, he has a nice date there I hope.

To watch the annual fireworks festival, which is the following year. To watch it with you, I'm afraid I'm unable to.

As expected, it wouldn't be a good ending or neither a bad one. Had actually planned to talk about it. But Silence will be the answer to it. I am just too afraid of facing reality. I've been triggered and I do know, quite a few of you wouldn't want me to lead the same old life. Amazingly, it was what my friend, not a friend of mine now though, had tried to send that message across my mind. I'm just shocked that it's him. But why him? It's really unexpected. Somehow, was told that he was being sent by someone else to get me out of it. Like dang, I don't understand. Like seriously, why you're doing this to me.
He's also coping with a better life now I guess, with the one he's often mentioned. All the best to the both of you.

我是命中注定无法和你在一起过美好的生活.

Dude - Why do you often have this hunch? Dont know what hunch, but it seems that whenever I'm down, you'll be the first one to call me. Like when I'm crying, you called at that very instant. Somehow, you've some psychic power? Guess you're the only who've seen my weakest point. My image is like spoiled already. Anyway thanks a lot.

2008-08-23T17:49:00.004+08:00

It's been raining like for 2 days in a row. Sighs. Heaven's crying for me too. haha.
After the long time being out at Little Guilin park, it seems that some of my sorrows are gone, it's cold there but nonetheless it did help me. A little scary though, being out at like 3am till 6am.

Life's gonna be tough for me, and I gotta pull through. Strong nor weak it's all up to me.
A drink or 2 will be a short term solution at the moment, amazingly, I have not resorted to that and even smoking. Great improvement. Applauses for me.

I'm trying so hard to force the impossibilities or the possibilities. Baoying actually set me thinking after she asked about the photo in my wallet. Why? There are times when I do not know where I'm heading to. I guess I'm in a muzzle headed situation.

Monster - you can do it. Find yourself happiness and it shall be granted to you if you search and earn for it. No matter where you're heading to, do not look back and regret. Sometimes, being hard on yourself is the better sacrifice.

Weird it seems, I can't really relate in Chinese, but it seems meaningful, hope this should be understandable. Pardon me.
我一直都在
你身後等待
期待和你有个美好的未来
但是无论怎样
我并不是那美好的将来
我希望那么一天
我们能够
再次相遇...

2008-08-23T01:20:00.001+08:00

its like time out now for me

2008-08-23T00:57:00.011+08:00

It should be time where I seriously de-stress myself. Well, I am not. I'm having emotional stress and it adds on further after exams. Setting myself to think even more. I hate the state I am in now. Trying to seek for perfection and also for whatever that may come in the future. I am not being selfish. Yes, maybe I do, false pity, false kind of care and concern that I wanted. But, I do know that I'm not. Sometimes, it's best if I were to have such few friends or even no friends but rely just on my family members. They may not be perfect, but I want them to have a better life. I'm not rich nor poor. I'm just halfway there, which meant that it's even worst. Life's just like that and I would rather sacrifice anything that I have than my family. I may seem to ignore my parents leaving them to worry about me at many times. However, I do know deep down that I do care a lot about the welfare of the family.

Looking back, it's also part of why I left ACJC. Leaving behind the Ac-sian. It takes courage for me. I'm not an ousted student, but a student who quits on herself. Hopefully, my life gets better each day.

Being selfish within my lifespan helps in a manner, but if you're selfish in the wrong manner, please call it a quit.

NOTES:
Joson - Good luck for your prelims and of course you'll do well. Pass me the stuffs when you're ready and I'll tell her when I can pass it over.
Lihui and Kah hwee - All the very best for your prelims too. You guys are really busy now, but at any point of time if you do need a listening ear, I'm all ears to it. Although I do really wanna tell you guys what I'm facing now too. It's tough.
Anli - Your notes will come in a while. Contact you again.

Will be working at Hunter Douglas ( my previous company) again. Thanks to Germaine for calling me at the right time for temp assignment. Cash flow to be solved.

To master my grade 8 pieces well and not let emotions rule me such as to affect my playing. Teacher Kat i'll smile only if everything's solved. Right now, it's a portrayed one.

2008-08-11T01:59:00.004+08:00

Gosh. Was noted by Marcus that my blog is a little vague plus cliffhangy. He's not the first one to comment on that. I guess, I should divert to something much interesting.

TADAH: The 2008 BEIJING OLYMPICS!!!

The 5 lucky dolls of China for the Beijing Olympics 2008.

This is the National Aquatics Centre at Beijing.

It's really cool. An eye-opener to me. Much more than the Bird-Nest.

The "Water Cube"

The interior

The "Water Cube" and the "Bird's Nest"

It's just a WOAH to me. Unexpectedly, it's because it's in China. I'm quite skeptical to the way they build their structures and also the way they host. I give you 5 stars for your architectural concept.

It isn't that bad for an opening ceremony and on top of that, it is the swimming events that I've been anticipating for. I'm proud to say that Singapore has got a wonderful talent like TAO LI (100m butterfly). 2 time Asian Record at the Olympics in just 2 days. How wonderful!
Although, she's not born here. Well, she's been here like since primary school days? It ain't that bad. I wish her all the best for the finals for today. Singapore is counting on you. Cheers!!!! :)
Basketball: USA won China.
Phelps is indeed awesome, but I can't wait for the 8 Gold Medals from him. Heh!

SINGAPORE'S swimmer Tao Li on Sunday became the first Singaporean to qualify for an Olympic finals.

Finishing third in her heats, she clocked 57.54 sec in the women's 100m butterfly.

Her time is a new Asian and national record. She is also the fourth fastest qualifier.

Event

Women's 100m Butterfly Final

Mon Aug 11 Start Time: 10:24 Location: National Aquatics Center

I urge everyone to watch it!!! No matter where you are, as long as you're a Singaporean, do give her your fullest support. Whatever may be, it will still be a great moment!

5 days. Just 5 more days. Pathetically, I'm not even prepared. I can only say about 50% ready for the exams. Bloody Shit right. I'm feeling a little shit. Was having quite some stress recently though I've laid my attention on other stuffs, like watching TV shows and so on. But, my chest does cramp at times and it happens much more frequently like in the wee hours. hmmms. I shall start to have a healthy living from now on.
Read the bible and I seriously felt a great sense of energy and power that God is always watching over me. Somehow, I'm like the lost sheep. Those of you who're Christians, it's the story on the son who left his dad and spent his riches. He came back at the end and admitted his mistakes.
Conclusion: God is still waiting for my return. I know that deep down in my heart. But, I'm guilty of many stuffs. I've not stood by my faith at certain times and went the other side. Lord, forgive me and I will live by you again.

Sighs... Friends, parents, sisters have been telling me this. I know.... YES! I need time too. As promised will bring Joson to church too. I've not been attending lately, so sorry bestie.

Shall start slogging into my books. Oh dude!!! ah.
Monster will try to improve in many areas. I've made an improvement in certain stuffs. Kind of happy. Which is for my piano lessons, and also appreciating music the way it is once again. As the old saying goes, it's really true for me. ' With love, a musician will be able to play tunes that you've never heard before'. Crap. It is my saying. But, nonetheless, the meaning to it still stays. It is time for me to search for myself and the person engraved in me.

Music will be my life and I didn't lose an interest for it at any point of time.

Me - Fiery? Like a thunderbolt? yea, somehow. A gush of ting ting tells me so.

some random old pics not uploaded. Here it is:

Good night. ;)

2008-08-07T05:40:00.003+08:00

My teacher's right. I've been wandering around and it's not time for me to start thinking about all these issues yet. Being 18 may be tough, but I gotta treasure the time that I have now.
I will start to think what I really want in life and where do I stand.

But...

It'll only be after my semester exams I guess. Or maybe after this month.

Trying hard to focus and concentrate. I gotta force myself to.
Somehow, issues have been penetrating my mind and it's really distracting.
DAMN.

Shall work for it then.

2008-08-01T22:04:00.003+08:00

I've finally opened up myself to my piano teacher. She's been right and really wanted to talk to me. And finally we did. So there's no lesson today but rather 2 hours plus of heart to heart talk. Of course, I teared and it's for that long period. Thanks a lot, teacher kath.

Depression and stress kills. I shall learn how to be strong and not be vulnerable to any others.

This is the anti-depressant that I've got.

If there are more stuffs, then I shall blog.

2008-07-30T23:57:00.002+08:00

Actually, I do think that I'm subconsciously suffering from depression already. Am I not?
I guess only you will believe.

Who else will?

2008-07-29T23:52:00.002+08:00

I'm suffering from high levels of stress i guess. I've been hallucinating bout some weird stuffs. Maybe I can predict what's gonna happen? No, of course I can't. I think that depression may set in any time for me again. Bloody shit.

Note: Do not aggravate or agitate me at any point of time from now onwards. I will not be able to handle it. And I mean it. I may be silent about it, but don't doubt the after effects. Thanks.

2008-07-26T23:48:00.002+08:00

After a short short day or rather, within a few hours... I've came to realize that, life is unpredictable and there's someone watching over you. The Dark Knight. I wonder, sometimes, I wonder so... And so much of it. All the queries that I have, only 20% of it will be answered. Whilst the rest, there's a great urge for me to figure and explore. Somehow, it is seriously hard to do so.
Sources may not be true and you may not have them.

I wonder.

The more we get together, together, together, the more we get ...... the happier we'll be?
I saw that on Javier's MSN Nickname. I do wonder too. Getting too close, sparks would lead to a small fire, and eventually a massive one.

to be continued...

2008-07-23T00:23:00.005+08:00

Many things are going on.
It's also a time for reflection.
Although it's seriously wrong as there're projects and final semesters' exams, but I feel that there is a need to. At least, to a small extent. Shall continue again after the 21Aug.
Here are some random pictures.
The choc given to me by my best special friend, I ate the last one today, which is the 23/07. It has passed the expiry date which is on the 18/07. Don't worry, it won't kill me. heh.
By the way, both the chocs expired. One is from Melbourne and the other from Singapore but imported from some foreign country?

I shall work on my remaining presentations to be done and get over with it. Wish me luck, and bless my health and my throat - voice. I need them to help me ace.
Shall de-stress a little. Am having a freaking outbreak, damn pimples around now, it's freaking huge and annoying. Defamed my image. DAMN you hormones.

Here they go...

Am eating the chocs and drinking sugarcane juice.

Bouchee! Dear friend, I just ate it.

That's what friends are for!! Ah li!

Nissan - FairLadyZ: It is seen at Crystal's house on sat.
Freaking big house with freaking nice assets!!!
ENVIOUS!!!

The Do & Me burger at bukit gombak.
It's just a 3 min walk from my house. 1min if you run.
Superbly delicious!
Wanna grab a bite now?

2008-07-20T00:39:00.003+08:00

BATMAN - THE DARK KNIGHT
It's really cool. I can watch it again, if time persists. hehs!
The storyline is amazing and the new character - Joker, he acted it really well.
At the end of it, Christian Bale as Batman is still the best character that I've seen. Comparing to those of the other Batman series being shown in the past.
Graphics, stunts and the vehicles used is definitely great.
With my favourite Lamborghini.
I will give it 4.5 cookies! =D

Fortunately, with the tickets being bought through AXS, we got the tickets like a few hours in advance. The crowd for the movie is like humongous. Ever since Wednesday, all theatres are being booked entirely or just left with really bad seats. We managed or rather He manged to get the ones just right in the centre-middle. YEA! Even for GV - Tiong Bahru, it's filled up. So, do not belittle cinemaxes like around the heartlands or think that they wouldn't be as popular.

Thanks to my super good friend - Jackson. Thanks for everything and ya everything.
I owe you a real good treat.
The night festival is pretty awesome, from what I've seen in the news. I will want to catch it like sometime next weekend, since it will be opened till then. So yea, I shall see if I can. Time is running short for me, with make-ups to be done. Gosh! If not, I wouldn't be that tied down. At least, I did get a sort of short break from the movie. I knew it would be sort of the last before everything starts for me again.
I'm still in the midst of recovering from being sick for 2 weeks. I hope I seriously get well soon. And I mean soon! Hopefully, tomorrow, but that will never happen. Weakling is still in me.

Last of all, it's something that I do not know and I would really want to know. However, it is not the right time to sort out or find out. My final semester exams are really drawing near and I wouldn't want to be affected in either ways. So... I shall continue to occupy myself with just projects and preparations which I should.
I know that I have to change the way I handle and deal with my problems. But, I do not have sufficient time to heal and start afresh again. That's because, I'm someone who is never good at words, never fair to myself and I just want the best out of and for the other party/anyone. Spur me on and I will endure this battle. Thank you Lihui and also whoever who've tried to help. And they are always dear and near to me. You're always in my heart. =D See you soon girl.

Left with a part of CATS project and the others! BLoddy shit.
I'm super stressed out with many things on hand. Well, take a deep breath!
Off I go!

2008-07-18T01:33:00.002+08:00

BLODDY HELL!!!!
I think this is the area for me to seriously vent!

I'm seriously sick, and I'm staying up late every now and then just to do freaking projects.
Only 2 of us doing. No 4 of us. But somehow, it became 2. DAMN it. It's always project that makes me stay up till late.
So now, I'm freaking sick. I'm already freaking weak. And hell, it made me worst. I'm gonna see how I'm gonna survive for my coming tests and presentations that weigh super high in percentage. DAMN la.
I can speak, but with the bloody throat and fever all over, aches and whatsoever, it kills me!
good night.
not yet. night is still bloddy hell young!!!

Comments: !@#$%

2008-07-16T23:06:00.002+08:00

Didn't go to school again today. and I'm feeling bad again. It's like WTH!!
Can that damn bug get off me?

Jackson came to meet me today, all the way from Changi T3. This shows that Do and Me at my area Bukit Gombak is really attractive. Sadly, I can't eat it till like next month or till I totally recover. I'm really stressed up, and all I can say is there's too many stuffs for me to think and worry about. Sighs. I shall loosen up a bit dude. Thanks for the concern.You should too. Your stress level is like much higher. Will start mugging at T3 in time to come.
I will also learn to swim if possible and go to tioman. !!!!!!!
Bloody cinemas, all of them are being booked or filled up for the movie -
Batman: The Dark Knight. Ahhh!!! No slots. Shall see how it goes by tmr. It's one of the movies for this year that I really wanna watch.
Too many things to worry and too many stuffs to forget.
DANG.
A sick puppy needs to rest and be cared for.
Was told that I'm selfish in a manner 2 nights ago, not only that, creating false pity. Somehow, I know I'm portraying someone which is not me - Si'En.
I do know that and heeding your advice, I will have to learn to grow much stronger. Life's always unfair and changing for the people around you isn't that great. I shall find the old me - which many of you really want me to be.
I will try my best.
I'm glad that you're always there for me no matter what. Seriously 24/7, I owe like a dozen to you. Somehow....

THANKS!
SIOL!

I wonder why I have to bear all these but at the same time, being locked somewhere in between.

2008-07-14T02:15:00.002+08:00

EMO-ING but am so much better!!!

THANKS DUDE!!

My bad points are noted and it's like adding on to those that I do not know.

Great.

Shall put off the old me and put on the real mask.

2008-07-12T00:49:00.003+08:00

Current Status: High body temperature of 38.7 degrees celcius.
Current Mood: Bloody irritated and pissed. Am exhausted because I'm freaking sick, but somehow, I have loads of hormones raging in me keeping me super energized.
Conclusion: Signs of hyper activeness which leads to me not being able to sleep for about 2 days. Will not recover so soon. It happens once again.
Current stress level: HIGH! With many bloody projects and people who can take me for granted. Almost everyone. DAMN all of you.
About my day on Friday the 11th of July: Woke up super early so as to wake my good friend and some other. Wanted to wake up to finish my projects which kicks up to about 6 of them. But I couldn't. Idiotic fever and body aches all over. Rested for more and then headed to school. Had CATS which is still ok. But super duper cold. Then headed for SW:Hip Hop. Didn't attend the class as there's problem with the Audio system and so Justis said anyone can leave if they want to. As I couldn't even jump or move easily with the muscle and joint aches, I then headed down to Canteen 1, was being interviewed by some Yr 3 BS student for her project . Then, headed to the library to past my time while waiting for my mum. Was shivering under the sun, what more in the library. Friends thought I was faking to be sick. Because I don't really look sick. But could tell that I had difficulty talking and my face shows a little right?
Fast foward, then met up with my good friends - the swiss people or the monsters or whatever it is. I LOVE YOU GIRLS. It's glad that we met up again, although it's supposed to be a mini belated celebration for me. Was sick but am glad to see them. Can take my thoughts and attention away too. Came home, so I'm worst, as I'm exposed to diff kinds of temp out there. Bloody shit.

With family problem shortly after. What's wrong with me being the eldest daughter? Don't appreciate me? Younger sis fighting with my mum. Damn you la. Show some respect. If you're that capable then get lost. Things don't get the way you want. Like how we are all fated to be in. I tell you, Mum's lifespan will shorten even more ok!!! At the rate you're driving her crazy, I won't be able to stay with you guys too. I don't wanna see myself crying pathetically at her grave someday. I won't be able to support the family alright! I'm mentally unstable and so please stop giving me nonsense. I wonder why you're brought to earth. Do you know I'm trying so hard to make lives better for all of us, the family? I can neglect my health, my studies, so damn it, get your ass off and pass your exams. I don't mind sending you guys off and not myself.
DAMN.
FEELING SHIT.

Thanks for those who cared about me. Telling me to rest and relax. I appreciate the concerns you guys had for me.

I think I should chill on my own and just freeze from then on.

2008-07-11T01:11:00.003+08:00

I'm not being emo. -.-. I am human too and so I gotta express my feelings like somehow in a manner. I'm down with flu, high fever, shivers, etc. Amazingly, I can still be somewhat normal. Woah. Although I did skip lectures such as to get more rest. I slept like the whole of Wed evening till 10 plus. And for today, it's because of PED - Poly experience day, so I made myself not look sick. Damn. I forgot to take panadol in the morning. And with a bad throat and fever, not drinking much water for the day too, I endured PED and the emcee-ing for the full house lecture theatre. It was rather ok, but my voice was soft with the microphone. Reason: BAD THROAT! Saw some of my juniors and the event ended at 6.30pm. Was raining, it's a good weather, but wrong time, I'm sick. Feeling warm and cold at the same time. Bloody shit. With so many projects at hand and assignments, sometimes I wonder why am I putting in so much effort but getting the same as the rest. Super idiotic. Will start mugging for the coming semester exams already. I'm lagging a lot behind because I can't listen or was daydreaming all the time. Blame it on short attention span. Shall start like really soon. It's less than a month away. To also meet my GPA expectations. I think I'll just faint. Having the same effect as I did way back. How do I control? I'm like feeling shit and in deep shit.

Heard from Anli and I hope you're doing fine. Was glad that we conferenced via MSN. =D. Afterall, it's not that bad. It's only the 1st day you're there. So chill and get yourself settled slowly. Take some time yea?

Am I pms-ing? Or am I not? But I do know that I'm not. Cause I rarely do.
Sighs. I shall not think about it then. Saying goodbye will be a sooner a later kind of thing. I'm responsible for myself and to think if it's worth. Maybe, I'm somehow blinded in a way. I shall stop being nice to people around me or myself. Time for a change.

A Change.

2008-07-09T00:44:00.001+08:00

As expected, it remained the same. or rather, it became worst. heck then.
I shall not let my feelings rule me out and pull me down.
Maybe it's time.
Goodbye.

2008-07-08T23:52:00.003+08:00

My bestie, Mr Joson, said that I didn't update my blog. !!!!!!. I should just put 2 of this !!.
I think you're mad. At least, I'm much a frequent blogger as compared to you. It's only recently that you blogged because of the hacker. lols. What a wonderful experience. I seriously think you have split personality although you claimed it's proven wrong. Weird things have been happening to you like what you've said. oh well, yes! THANKS A LOT buddy!!! I like the present. Since you said it's cute and proven by your friend, bought it and gave me! wonderful. I shall use it to write wonderful stuffs. Maybe draw your face or sth when we're mugging. You shall start mugging real hard and I shall too! Remembered what Anli said before she left?

Dedication to my dearest senior: I will miss you a lot, definitely. We will all support you mentally over here in Singapore. Hope you have fun there in a totally new environment. At least i teared when you finally checked in. I tried to control myself. heh heh. Amazingly. The few times you have already made me wanna breakdown because of the sudden notice to leave. Well, best of luck. Tag me or leave an offline message to me when you reached adelaide? Or a snail mail will do too. =D hear from you soon.

and yes, had Cello/bass section dinner with lao shi ( Mr Qu Feng). Almost everyone turned up. Lao shi is just as philisophical as per normal. He asked how's everyone. And was quite worried bout Anli. Not really worried but somehow. He said that she's strong, but Anli defers. hmmm. It is correct to some sense. Ok, when it came to me, he asked in chinese, " Ni zui jing guo de zhen me yang?" In simple translation, how am i recently? He said that I looked so stressed, like someone bullied me, had many problems and I'm stucked within that dark circle. Sighs. He's right. I just told him that I'm seriously stressed recently bout school work - projects and all. And I have many problems at hand too. He thought some guy bullied me or something. I told him nahx. But hiding my feelings, I just swept my worries across for that moment. I don't wanna think of how I feel now. Sometimes, breaking down is just a release for me. I hope it really does.

Ok, shall go back to doing my 4 projects. Bloody stressful. Shall not bother bout other stuffs till my exams are over. I'm so way back back back and behind.
Please turn back time for me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-06T14:46:00.003+08:00

Many upcoming and on-going projects. It's killing me.

Plus I'm also working now. Super tedious kind of job.

I'm feeling stressed yet not so stressed. Sad but happy too.

I'm going gaga, mentally insane.
By the way, not mentally horny ok. Bonkers has loads of meanings to it. So choose one.

BTT will be on the 2nd of Sept at 1400hours. It's 2 months after my birthday. It took me like an hour just to register for this date. DANG.

Trying to mug, but it seems really hard. Have been skipping lectures too. At least, I think it's not as bad as how I did ever since sec 4 to JC 1.

I shall prove that I am capable in a way. Right now, I am incapable of anything. I've failed myself and many around me.
All I can say - I'm sorry for whatever that has happened.

All the luck to be on me.
My 18th year seems to be a happening year, but somehow, it is happening in both ways, the good and the bad.

Random Note: Thanks to everyone who had wished me on my birthday. It's the thought of remembering that I exist on earth. heh heh. Although, I didn't really spend my birthday as of usual but I am satisfied at the very least.
4th July, Thanks to Michael for the yoghurt cake too. It's really yummy, but had to finish the cake outside the class. My CATS teacher only said woah, it's nice but you had to eat outside. How sad right?

2008-07-02T23:59:00.001+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO =D

THESE ARE SOME OF THE STUFFS THAT MY BESTEST FRIENDS HAS DONE FOR ME!!!!

DONE BY: YEO LI HUI =D=D
LOVE YOU LOADS

NEXT IT'S MY MONSTER

11:49 AM, Tuesday, July 01, 2008

To Frenemy Cheng Si'en, with all my heart

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOMAN.

You know I'll be there spiritually

Love always

the great, cool and nice Jasmine

And yes i am posting this approximately 12 hours earlier because my mom'd kill me if i stay up till midnight (i'm sick you see)

ONLY NOTICED IT WHEN AH LI TOLD ME TO READ. HAVEN'T BEEN READING BLOGS RECENTLY AND ESP FOR TODAY. TOO BUSY.

THANKS JACKSON FOR THE LOVELY DRESS TOO. IT FIT AND IT'S REALLY WONDERFUL. HAHAS HOPED YOU LIKED THE DO & ME. SUPER DELICIOUS!!

AND I'M TOO LAZY TO UPDATE. SHALL UPDATE AGAIN.

2008-07-01T01:42:00.002+08:00

It's 1st of July already. Shall round up for the month of June.
June - not that interesting.
But the movies I've watched are -
1. Wanted
2. The Incredible Hulk
3. You don't mess with the Zohan
4. Kung Fu Panda

That's all. Missed out a few though. But I've downloaded some. Quite bad but who cares? Everyone is doing so too.

It's not pretty bad. Shall say I should have made full use of it first as July and August is doomsday for me. AHHHH!!!

Well, have decided for SG Flyer. Couldn't make up my mind due to some considerations. Rather, some people psycho me for both. Which left a fickle-minded girl like me unsure. Anw, thanks for preparing your supposedly surprise for me like 2 months in advance. I appreciate that. =D Besides that, I also apologize for you in getting the wrong stuffs, made me feel so bad that you gotta discard or somehow find a solution to it. But you said discard. ZZZZ. Waste of Money you know! $$$$. So you and your funny ideas is really coming up. Saying I shouldn't faint when I see your present. Kaoz. Before I get any surprise, you said all these stuffs. Nice one. Ask the plushy to prepare the Rainbow, I bet IT can do so.

ITB makes me crazy and it still does right now. Headache.
Gonna start work tomorrow after school, shall chiong already.

The day of evil is coming. heh heh.

2008-06-29T22:34:00.002+08:00

I'm sick!!! how sad! just days before my birthday. wonderful.

ANW!!! to my dearest primary school friend!! Happy birthday to you Sok Theng! May all your wishes come true and keep in touch till we're old.
You're 18 but I'm so gonna be 18 too. =D

Anyway, someone please tell me, if you were given a choice, to take the singapore flyer or DHL balloon? DHL balloon is changing their location at the end of the yr 2008.

Projects are up. and i'm so super stressed. Gonna apply for BTT then learn driving. Will do that after exams but right now, it's me to generate my income too. Have spent quite a lot lately. And to find out that I'm always supporting myself. My parents should feel better too in a way.

SICK MONSTER gotta rest soon.
2.5 days down.

2008-06-16T00:44:00.004+08:00

Instead, I ate at home for Father's day. Not a very good one though as there's some quarrel before that. damn. But the packed food was nice. yummy.

Envoy's Camp's like within the next few hours. I'm still packing my bag, very last minute though. hmmm and shall check again. Hope I don't miss anth out.
Hopefully, the idiotic period don't come. PLEASE!!! I've a feeling it's really coming soon. arghhhh, don't spoil my days.

Thank you Michael. I can't find anything to thank him. Like seriously, I received my birthday surprise/present in advance. Thank you a lot. I think I'm using it for the camp. Lols. It's already in my bag. heh heh. Although it isn't the colour which I wanted, but it's really nice. It looked nice on me. So yea. Of course, it must look nice on me. THANK YOU!! =D=D=D, was like kind of shocked when he said he wanna meet me to pass me something. But on the other hand, not really surprised as he kept asking me about the jacket. lols. But, I thought he's just asking around too and finding out that kind of thing. I'm really overjoyed. SMILESSSSSS!!!!

Ahhh, shall not think too much and not get myself too bottled up into just a matter or many matters. Shall set my mind off for the next few days first.
sometimes, being alone isn't that good, but it helps too. But somehow, it's just really contradicting. I don't know how I'm feeling right now or all the while ever since so many stuffs or unfortunate events happen. shall follow with the flow. Contact me again when I'm back or I'll try to reply when possible during camp.

Hopefully, I will enjoy myself during the camp! YES!

Good night! =D=D=D

Monster is overjoyed, yes the adidas jacket.
But..... I'm also bottled up with too much feelings too. Can't tell right? I thank my friends who're always around me and cared for me when I needed you guys most. Love you guys. cheers =D=D

2008-06-15T13:51:00.003+08:00

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!! This is a dedication to all the Dad's out there - for the contribution that you've made to your loved ones and family

To my Dad too!!! =D I know you've slogged really hard ever since Mum isn't working. It's been tough on you, to see you getting old and haggard each day. To lose sleep, life and all. I'm really grateful for that. Sorry for being inconsiderate at times and being an unfilial daughter. But you know, I didn't mean it at all. Which you knew too. hahas.
Having a dinner later on to celebrate. So I'll be out tonight. Anything, just buzz me or whatever.

Shall prepare my camp stuffs when I'm home again later.

Had fun at Pastor Eve's BBQ party. Ate too much of satay and kebabs. That's why I had reflux and it's like up till this morning. Felt much better only then. Woah. That's because I took the AntAcid tablet. My next appointment with my doc is on the 24th of June. Shan't miss it this time round. It's been long since I've taken my medications. I've stopped for like half a year or so and didn't visit her too. I hope there isn't much changes to my health. Well, I did felt that I'm weaker each day, signs of getting old?? Or my life's shortening? Oh nooooooooooooo.

And yes.. The super posh GRAND PIANO. It's like OMG!!! It belongs to Kevin, Pastor's BF. oh my. I love it. But we can't touch it. the STEINWAY!!!! =D

Had spells of dizziness and that was like since Friday till now. Idiot shit. Am I such a weakling?
So Monster is a weakling now. zzz.. Weak Monster! RAWRS...

Anw - No writing of my name or whatsoever. It can only be Snuggly or lucky. Any other names besides mine. yeap.

Ooo and Michael saw Felicia Chin yesterday at Bugis for some modeling shootout. How cool is that. A hot babe being spotted.

Monster's back again on Wed/Thurs..

=D=D=D

With Loves
MONSTER. TA DAH.

2008-06-14T00:12:00.007+08:00

My day was not very usual today ever since yesterday evening. LOLS!!!
Was dead drunk. Not really drunk though. Had 10 shots of Chivas Regal 18, due to the fact that I lost the game of 'DAI DEE'. That was the punishment that everyone will get if they're the loser. Which I am, luck isn't on my side. I thought I wouldn't be the unlucky one, but after the first 2 shots, I knew it's dawned on me. heh. Before that meeting up with my friends, I went to Mediacorp to find out some stuffs on the survey. Shall await for their call then. Kind of interesting but it depends if people/households are willing to take some of their time off too. My mum then dropped me at Queenstown MRT station and I headed to Clarke Quay. I wasn't late. Was the earliest but supposedly I should be late. They went for dinner at Central - some jap restaurant which I couldn't remember the name. I just had a choco shake which took the longest to be served. Mine was the last! yes. slow. oh well, I don't mind. Then was psycho-ed to go to St James Powerstation. I was quite skeptical about it right from the start. I knew it wouldn't turn out well and I wasn't prepared or in the mood to go too. But still, went ahead since they didn't believe me. hahas. Who was right at the end? Me right?? We reached a little too early, so the club was quite of empty and it's also a dance competition to start the event. Just like how other events are. We then left at like 11.30pm to clarke quay again. Waste of time and money for the ticket/train fare. Met some of my other friends at St James too. Was told to enjoy myself at powerhouse, but I told my friend it was boring. Heard that there was free flow of martini at the Arena. Which I could get in too but yea, next time round. hahas.
Went to persian to chill - had Mango margarita. It's really nice. Goes down smoothly down my throat, at least it's better than Paul's lime margarita. It's like totally no alcohol. Had some other stuffs like the fries and a bite of kebab. The fries are indeed awesome. I would really say fantastic. A good recommendation. Fries with onion mayonnaise, and it doesn't contain any salt. Which is quite healthy. It's the mayo that gives the taste of salt. WOAH.. Had a little of dry gin - from the med bottle kind. So I think, with all the mixture of the 3 and some of ************** let your imagination run wild, most of it comes from Chivas itself, which I think it's really hard core for me already, yea, so i puked because I had an empty stomach. Hangover was quite bad this morning. Freaking bad. But I managed to sleep after like 2hours of tossing and walking around at home.
My friend was like saying En ah, not bad. Good improvement. I was shocked too. My alcoholic level is not really good. So yea, like what you said, Rainbow shouldn't be a problem to me, just that it's a different liquor. heh heh. I'm awaiting and anticipating for that.

I'm stressed and so are my good friends. Lepak. That's all we can do. My friend was like asking why you're always stressed. I have too many stuffs to worry about. Which is forbidding me for many stuffs. I do agree, alcohol doesn't solve problems but adds on to more. At least, I did enjoy myself even after puking. All of us felt that we're quite bad like that stuffs we did, because that's what people in general will say if they knew about it. Sighs. Afterall, we aren't bad influence or people. People who clubs, drinks or smoke isn't that bad. Unless, his/her personality is dead down smacked onto the ground. Which I totally despise. We're people of once in awhile. We do know our limits and have fun when we ought to.

Just received the Fee Voucher from Ngee Ann. Gotta pay the remaining school fee as I only paid 100++ the first time round. I'll be barred from exams if I didn't by 26th June.
The payment of fine is also not done yet. I've about a week or so to do it. I'm waiting for the reply from SMRT and LTA.
DAMN DAMN DAMN.

I'm really tied down by low cash recently. Actually, most of the time. lols. Wonder why my friends always think I'm freaking rich or something. That's in the past or maybe right now, I still act like one or bring myself in a way. I'm just someone who is a normal class. Not the higher end. No one will ever understand that. So does my family. haha.

Went to the IT fair - PC Show at Suntec. Walked around and just browsed through some stuffs, bought a VoIP Headset cum Microphone. It would be much easier for me to converse over MSN and Skype. Thank god. It's cheap - $5.90. Ate at Just Noodles - too much of free flow of ice-cream, my stomach is really loaded now. I can't grow fat. But.. growing fat for the dress??? ahhh. shall see.

Was kind of shocked to receive a message from this funny senior of mine - Jackson Toh. He wanted to meet me for dinner today (13th) but I couldn't. He thought that he could meet me since I'm at Suntec. He was alone after the movie with his campmates/classmates. So sorry, next time then. You're like impromptu. How in advance was that? I had my day planned before that already.

Was given a box of chocolates. It made my day. Because it's a time to feast and indulge. I shall keep it all to myself. Thanks a lot. It's Bouchee - Belgian chocolate. The cream and caramel melted on my tongue and upper layer of my gum. Delicious. Yummy. I just couldn't describe. Lovely!

Sisters bought 2 dresses for my mum. Nice of you both. Supposed to accompany them and my mum to shop, but I gotta rest for my hangover. At least, my mum didn't ask or suspect much. I felt that I was really bad as a daughter. To think that she's really civilised and well-taught, groomed, I failed as a child. Ahhhh. Oh well, I'm still a young teen not an adult, maybe a young teen trying to grow to a young adult. hahhaa.. damn

I'm not scandalous ok...like wth. since when was that? Someone got a peck on the cheek at MOS on ladies' night. Not bad! It's a blessing which was whatever you told me. Guys will come whacking you. Next time it'll be my turn to go for ladies' night and have fun.
By the way, I'm not a princess. But I felt being treated like one ever since. I'm honoured because your jie meis' had 2nd class treatment.
It made me feel super bad can!! I owe you a lot.

Pastor Evelyn's Birthday and Shin Yun's Birthday on the 13th of June, although it's a friday the 13th - the black friday, I'm not superstitious about it. May all your wishes come true. =D
Pastor Eve's bday celebration is tomorrow at 11 Cluny Park ( her bf's place.) - transport will be provided. Theme: to be dressed in Hawaiian. Bought scotch whisky chocolate for her and made a card for her. I hope you like it, it's from the Chengs - the 4 of us. heh heh. But the card wasn't made by Luke.

oh well. I shall just summarize and post some pictures. Haven't uploaded any pictures at my
blog. So it's time for me to do so. Do savour if you can. =D=D=D

Bouchee
The selection of finest milk & dark choclate with praline filling.

Looks delicious? Tempted? I've eaten 2 of them already.
Gosh. YUM YUM

Mango Margarita - from the restaurant, Persian. Worth it.
Thanks Michael for the treat not only for this, but the others too.
I think you really spent a lot, with cab fare - midnight charge, drinks, food and many others.
And it's not your fault too. Don't worry.

The VoIP that I bought at the IT fair - PC Show.
Really cheap.
Shall test it.

2008-06-12T00:11:00.002+08:00

I am kind of bored.. stayed at home the whole day. Did some packing of my room. Still tonnes to go. hmmm.

I am down recently. Wonder why. Shit happens and I brought it upon myself. Well, that is what Timothy told me. I guess his was really bad. Long-distance kind of relationship has its pros and cons. But his I think it's far worst. Well, don't probe too much over it. I think she should really treasure you. You can take the initiative to bomb your bill, and even listen to her sleep. like OMG. hahas. well, my life isn't that as bad as you.

I shall just take time on my own and await then.

Meeting Anli and Joson later on. yepps. And then the others. It's time to chill and relax.

I'm awaiting for my rainbow. You know what i mean. heh.
You're one lucky guy! with princesses around you. So don't be too shy. Guys are really envious of you ok!!! yepps.. And thank you for the thought for my so-called not so special but yet special day. It's a day which I can choose whom to be with. hahas. er... I don't know who. And who will be there. lols.

I shall not brood over it. And be on my own for now.

2008-06-10T23:05:00.003+08:00

LiHui called me like at noon. Was glad to hear from her. Yepps so I will decide on the time and everything again. Van has been bugging me too. I'm touched. Hopefully, this time everyone can make it. 2nd July, Hmmm.. Li hui says there's something special. shall see then. ahah. I won't be planning, I think even if i plan, it'll be screwed. Jack and Lihui said the same stuff, let your friends plan for you. Shall see then....

BOOOOOO....

ADIDAS FIREBIRD!!!!! Jack says I should be more polite into hinting. haha. desperate can. so no choice. Yours - the FOSSIL watch.. You're hinting who ah?

I need loads of power. and the power of love and care. haha. Someone enlighten me. I think you did in some way. Sadly, our fate was like that. That kind of distance. hmmmm.....

2008-06-08T12:51:00.003+08:00

The daily manna: June 8th 2008.
This is sanity. 7 is the number for perfection, 6 is the number of man - Satan and his unholy trinity. Which is why Satan cannot claim the number 7.

For the previous day: June 7th 2008
We are ever ready to direct God's messages at others but fail to see that the messages are meant for us. Yea, it seriously applies to me and to mankind.

I should really start going to church again. Have been skipping and I can have all sorts of reasons. Maybe that's the reason why I've changed so much ever since. hmmm, I wonder... If this continues on, I will be punished severely, that's what my mum often tells me. I do agree. Things does happen, so yea. Shall be a good servant for God.

Oh well, received a call from Anli. She's going downtown to get her shopping done. I think she really needs it. Since you're going to Adelaide in exactly a month's time, you should get your stuffs while the GSS is ongoing. But yea, don't get too many too. Your luggage can weigh only 20-25kg within that range. I wish you all the best for the upcoming preparations and meet-ups. Will be meeting you and Joson on Thursday then. I've informed him already. We can go Duxton which is a new recommendation, but shall see if I can afford.

I AM PENNILESS NOW.. wahahhaaa. No paycheck received and out of job. So yea, anyone can guess it right. Shall start saving up and maybe try asking from my parents for some cash to survive. =D

Shall get into exercising real soon. I'm putting on loads of fast - the trans fats. Oh my. Si'En is growing big each day. I shall put a stop to it.
Aim: Maintain at 42kg.
I weighed at that 1 and a half months ago. Shall weigh again.

One of the quote I've came across today -
'The opposite of love isn't hate - it's indifference. If you hate me, that means you still care.'

Like woahwoah! Is that really true? To a certain extent, I do agree with it.
Leave your comments on this. heh heh. =D

2008-06-07T00:15:00.005+08:00

IT WAS A NOT VERY GOOD DAY FOR ME. SHIT HAPPENED!!! OR RATHER. I RARELY USE IT TO DESCRIBE IT. ERM. I SHOULD SAY. IT WAS NOT MY DAY. I'M F****ING PISSED AT HOW MY DAY WAS AND ALSO HOW MY LIFE IS EVER SINCE I'M ON EARTH. HEHS =)

To see a smiley there. haha. I'm really mad right?? YES!! Firstly, I overslept because I went to chiong which is to finish my tv serial of Prison Break Season 3. And yea, I'm tired yet not so tired. But I forced myself to finish it. It's really cool, I'm just awaiting for the next season which is Season 4. I love the plot and the actors, Wentworth Miller - Michael Scolefield, Dominic Purcell - Lincoln Burrows. Yea, it should be all for season 3. The rest are not that bad too. It's just, I like these 2 in particular, maybe it's because they're witty and hot? hahhaah

ok, that's the good part of it for yesterday, the wee hours of the morning. So, I went to sleep as usual, woke up at 8am to snooze my phone alarm and continued sleeping. The next time i woke up, it was 1155am I think? So i chiong-ed to get changed and packed my stuffs. Forgoing my breakfast as it's past and I'm really freaking hungry!! Thought of buying brunch at Bedok Interchange. yea, which I should, if not all this wouldn't had happened to me. To act smart, I bought a bun - ham with mayonnaise and egg, from my station. and dang, of course, I didn't eat. It followed suit with me till Bedok station. and when i reached, i thought i was quite late like about 10 minutes, ahh. but I wasn't. I was the first! Heh. yadayada, as i was super hungry, I took out my bun to eat. I ate for quite some time and of course nothing happened. I was really far away from the freaking control station. After quite some time, this staff came and told me off saying that I couldn't eat. Ok I followed suit, but just as I ate my last bite again, he came and said I have to summon you. FUCK! Summon la. I give you all my wealth you want? I've seen many people or even my friends, they don't even get fined for this freaking thing. I didn't even litter ok, although I do know it's against the law which states NO FOOD is ALLOWED! Fine. I've seen people who're in the same situation as me, but they aren't even fined. Only their details are taken down. But what about me??? I'm fined. yea. there goes my money. With wings it flew away. I can't say anything more right? My friend said i should have pleaded since it's my first offence. idiot shit. Yea, I should have listened to you right. To get my brunch from bedok interchange. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I so wanna cry. NO. It doesn't describe how i felt. It's like my money has been dumped in the bin or something. Which I do know, because my parents do get fined for carpark coupons and speeding. or any other. sighs. I would rather make full use of it. oh well, the guy then came back after he gave me my summon, he said you can also appeal to us if you're unhappy about it, kindly call this number. He underlined it for me. yea right. like it does work??? not all the time though. or rather, there's no need to appeal. All because of all this, I've learnt a lesson. Which I didn't think so at first. But yea. you inspired me. KAOZ. SO to all my fellow friends and anyone out there. Don't ever eat anywhere in the station. No matter how far you're. Still, I hate that bloody idiot. Nothing better to do but to pick on me. Idiot. hahhahahhaha. I should smile and be happy.

Saw this book today, something about life or something? There's this quote that says - Happiness starts with a laughter. I can't really remember. But thanks. You found the book and flipped to the random pages that I should be looking at. oh well, I think I'm not satisfied and of course to be satisfied, I ought to be happy. Which I AM NOT. i do truly agree!

yea, wrinkles on both my palms??? I guess, i'm getting old too soon. Because, when people age, wrinkles are shown on their faces and then it follows on the other parts of the skin on your body. But as for me, it is not the usual scenario. It starts with my palms. So OMG!!! I'm gonna faint. REALLY. first the summon, then I'm aging, or rather greying.!!!!! My hair is also really bad. Everything's not in good shape. Please save me!!!

I shall start rotting at home, since I'm already broke. This will save up quite a lot. But with GSS now and IT fair next week, and I'm rotting home. Who's gonna sponsor me??
I shall find how to get there by public transport - bus/MRT to pay up the fine to LTA. idiot shit, idiot mess that I'm always in. DAMN.

Outing for BA ENVOYS - grp 1 - RED REVOLUTION! The name which I think Jia Hui came up with. kind of cool. yea. Met nice people. practically, all girls and only 2 guys. haha. gonna meet again for the discussion and the design of our flag. yepps.

heys dude - just read your blog. I don't understand. I think it's about working at CAAS and having the good life in transit? hahas. the last sentence, it's friday and you're in love?? zzz. -.- i don't get it. So like what you've said, few will understand it. The minority must be the freaking smart ones to read behind the lines and your poetic stuffs. heh heh. and yea, actually the MIA thing I think it's not referring to you. but anw, nevermind. lols. I dont understand myself too.

Kind of disappointed - now i know why some of them doesn't like to organize gatherings. Especially when they mean a lot to you. I had responses from almost all of them. But mostly, it's either they totally can't or they're busy with school and CCAs, I shall work out a good schedule then. I gotta arrange it nicely to meet my schedule too. I just wanna meet you guys and yea, it will be really hard for us to meet again. so yea. at least once this june hols. Or maybe, my birthday? Which Li Hui said she will be able to make it. I'm glad to hear that. Just wanna spend it with people that are dear to me. I MISS YOU GUYS. <33

To meet ANLI - I really wanna meet and have to meet. Top priority. 19th June. yea. I have a lot to tell you. In short - Jamie whom you have seen only like once and talked once? He isn't a good guy. And he has got nothing to lose. I don't backstab or bad mouth him right from the start. So which you think he is a quite ok guy because you 2 have got good wine/alcoholic knowledge. Well, things has changed ever since it dawned on me. Which my best friend also knew after quite a long time. which is about 1 and a half months later. I was forced to tell. I shall tell you too because I felt that you should know at least before you leave. Because he thinks that you should know. He asked why I hadn't told you when i see you the following day. I couldn't open my mouth to speak about that anyway. I thought that I could just forgive and forget. But it isn't that simple. My dearest senior - you do not have to worry much about me. But I do worry about you, because you're gonna be alone there real soon. Tears are trickling down my cheeks now.

Too many emotions and problems to cope with.

I shall stop here then.

2008-06-04T03:58:00.002+08:00

IDIOTIC ITB - which stands for IT in Business. WTF is this module. Seriously I think it's just a waste of time. And yea, I've only started reading ITB stuffs like at 12am 4th of June, like WOAH!!!!!! DAMN ITB.. making me mad. oh well, i didnt really read the notes or textbook too. I just can't be bothered. ahhhhhhhhhhh.. last ffffiing paper.

oh well. after that, I'm meeting my best best best friend, or rather my very special friend. hahas. see you! have loads of catching up too. although we still contact but not in real person. so yea. i look forward to sprouting my nonsense to you again.

many things happened. but it doesn't seem so. I'm currently out of job. no income for myself. which also meant many impacts too. long long story. I bet none of my closest friends know. besides my special friend?

if you do care about me, then do show that you care. It's not about MIA. I didnt MIA and that really made my day i tell you. with the common tests period. Gave myself much more problems to think of too. oh my. i dont know what i am talking about. 4.04 am. which meant my brain cells actually can't work or function in an orderly manner. whooooooo

ANLI!!! I MISS you lOADS!!!! Will visit you in adelaide when i can really make it and yea when I'm financially capable too. Our friendship will be a long distant one. I hope that your choice is good for you. because I am really happy for you. SO.... Do not think in a negative way. Do come back after your honours!!!!

2008-05-29T04:25:00.002+08:00

Happy 21st Birthday to Titan!
I hope all your dreams come true.

Common tests is drawing near.
E-learning spoiled my week and plans.
It's called extra-learning. what the heck???

After ITB which is my last paper, I will be freed.
There will be gatherings, i so wanna see my cliques and yea my besties too. Especially Mr Joson, Anli. We shall catch up real soon. So do wait for me. we shall roam around Singapore like how we normally did. heh heh. =D

In a month's time or so, it'll be my 18th birthday. Sadly to say, turning 18 sucks. haha. shall see how this year's celebration will be. Although I do have friends telling me they wanna celebrate with me. still long... Plans can change from now till then. So yea. I shall not anticipate anything. I don't really wanna celebrate too, unless anyone is able to bring that spark for me to turn 18. hohoho.

shall continue to chiong my e-learning stuffs and for Common tests. I wasted many days and time. Shall start to chiong work again once it ends. But i do need a life too. I don't mind slogging hard staying in office. As $$$ comes in, but I can't spend too much too with the damn condition. Shall spend wisely and save too.

will be back again.

monster is currently not in town.

2008-05-25T01:58:00.002+08:00

I AM SO SO SO SUPER LAZY TO UPDATE!!!

which is why it's been a week plus or so ever since i've updated my life. hahas.

and yea, i'm really really busy with school work and project, one more due tomorrow by 11.59pm but i gotta really chiong. Have not even started. shit!

I am so so dead.

Just came home from Titan's birthday celebration at sentosa. was rather fun and i think his army platoon mates went a little too over, just wanting to drunk him down. not too bad, i guess everyone had fun, weather was humid but the sun wasn't that bad. So I'm not tanned or whatsoever. had some games like frisbee and volleyball and the rest was chatting and etc.. Really exhausted. Was sort of scolded by my piano teacher for not turning up for class at 8am and had to reschedule it for me so many times. So I will have my lessons tomorrow at 3pm sharp. gotta be there. Most of all, I'm glad he did have fun for the Saturday, with friends from Primary, sec, JC, and many others. =D

my life has been quite ok recently. Just to add that I'm really exhausted all the time. Anyone can tell from that. Sleep at like 3am and wake up at 7am, then my whole day ends the same time again. Woah. That is why!!!

Common test is starting real soon, with e-learning week, I'm just gonna be dead too. Gonna make myself healthy first. It's really impt.

My life is complicated, so I am a complicated person. It's really hard to understand me, but soon enough, you will understand me if you do want to. I don't really understand myself either at certain times. I'm just somewhat a girl who wants to lead and live an ordinary lifestyle, to be pampered and all. To be loved, taken care of, gain attention from people around me.

but.....

Most of all - all i need is true happiness! without that, I can't relate to myself or to anyone. I show my feelings easily, or rather, sometimes, I don't show but people could sense it somehow from afar. I do hope that I will be the Si'En that people really knew once again. Like what my best friend had told me. He said: " Si'En, you're once the cute and innocent girl I've known, but right now, you're not the Si'En that was before. You're once that girl." It's a brief statement from my friend. Upon hearing that, I thought deeply, maybe I do change, or nurture has proven me to be that way. Oh well, I know I have to be myself at the end of the day. I will work on it! Do not be offended by me in the way I speak in real person, MSN, SMS or whatsoever. I'm really being myself and is trying my very best. If you're my friend, good, best, or just a normal friend to me, I will treat you equally the same, be it in the way i bring myself to you. But for like deeper relationships, best friend, buddy, all sorts, which is only a few and my cliques, you do know how I am. You guys should be honoured to have a great and wonderful friend like me. Maybe not that wonderful and great, but I did my very best. Last of all, to him, I do not know how to bring myself to you at times, I just can't really relate myself to you in some manner, like talking rubbish or making nonsensical kinds of remarks or thoughts. Sometimes, I do wonder, could I be myself when I'm with you. we'll see then.

To sleep really soon. JAVIER - DONT PMS already!!!! hahas. I don't PMS that often though. hee.. cheer up dude. you're the laughing tool to me at least. or anyone else. yepps..

2008-05-15T01:24:00.003+08:00

BOOOO.. I've updated!!!

Yea. My best beloved Dearest Senior has just left for Shanghai. I miss her!! =D and I didn't sound like I was crying or sad ok. haha. just that I miss you! hee. Her last sentence was really touching: LOVE YOU!!!! ZOMG.. Have a fun and save trip over there, as there were recent reports about natural disasters, kind of worried. BON VOYAGE. See you soon after next sat. I will tell you how it goes for ACCO Encore! Will send your regards to them too. I bet they do miss you too.

He left for town. Which is really really unexpected. It is a sudden and short notice to me. I heard that from Anuar. I asked him if he did come to office or something for the maps, he said that he received an email from him saying he will be out of town for this short period. Wonder how short though. But... I really got nothing to say too. All I can say is.. Have a save trip too although I don't know where you're heading too since it's a kind of last minute idea. I hope you or maybe you and your friends has fun together. yepps.

and yea. Got quite of a suprise but not surprise from my special friend. Shipping of stuffs to me, the flyer and so on.. Really nice for such a plan. Shall see how it goes. It's still like 1 and a half months more to my birthday and it's a weekday which is schoolday. oh well, 18 sparks.. OLD. HAGGARD. RAGGED. haha. although it's being legal to buy cigarettes, club, drink, drive. But it will not mean a lot to me. As I've tried everything besides driving. HEH =D. Shall learn and pass my BTT during my SEM holidays. Should be enough of time for me. Gotta prepare loads of other exams too like my Grade 8 piano - I've put it on hold for a very long time already. sighs. about 4 yrs? to do my other interests or rather also to take a break too.

Came back from work. freaking tired. Slept in the office for awhile. Dad came to fetch me, ate fried rice as dinner/supper and bathed! Then now I am here.. Just gotten my pay cheque for the month of April. Not really much though. It will never be enough for me, NEVER. Too many reasons behind it, and I shall prove myself right in some ways. Also, I really gotta be an independent young grown up already. I can't always rely on the people around me.

Upcoming events -
1.ACCO Concert this Sun. 18/05
2.PBL 20/05
3. POA MCQ Quiz 20/05
4. IS CATS 24/05
and many many more.....

No movies, no nothing for now. What a life for me. And my life revolves around School and Work. Will be going to T3 in the few weeks. Maybe this week or the next. Gotta meet up with my beloved bestie - JOSON!!! MOJOJO, good luck for your J2 terms too. =D mine's coming up real real soon. Can't wait for the 2 weeks or less kind of break. I really need a good relaxing break. How I wish I can leave on a plane to a faraway place and never come back. GEEx.

Part of my day conversation with Aaron!
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
why
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
wats up buttercup
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
buttercup?
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
im not a butter
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
nor a cup
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
hahaha
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
u silly
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
buttercup is a flower
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
haha
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
yea i know
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
but do i look like one?
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
hahaha no it's just cute
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
hah
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
oh my
MONSTER is OVERWHELMED whatshouldidonowfollowmyheart?? says:
did you just say that?
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
why
aaron mmmm. | bish. says:
wats wrong lol

I sound really like a noob or retard. But.. I am cute. Do you agree?? Javier you should agree to that. By looking at my MSN pic. and PETER LOVES ME!!! How great =D..
PS: it's part of a prank by my classmates. tekan me on msn and my tutor was going haywire because my class was like a havoc every wed!

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY KANG! Hope you liked our surprise. Not really much though. But do enjoy your youth.

I am hugging my beloved bear now. wahaha.. Jealous?

2008-05-08T01:06:00.003+08:00

I was being asked by my good friend. Have you ever wondered why your relationship has always been more on the sexual side? I was like who the hell know? I don't know!. what he said shocked me. cause he would want to take advantage of me too. oh well, but it didnt shock me too. Because i was already in my own world crying.. He said, it's because, many people wants to test my innocence. like WTH. what is there to test of me? If I am then I am. If I'm not then too bad. You can have me whenever you all want lo. It erks me. especially when I do get to know friends or people who are like that.

So... in conclusion, don't be deceived by whatever you see and hear.

zzzz. waiting for my hair to dry. not a very bad or good day. But i shall treasure myself.

It's hard on myself. and i am being hard. so, the harder it is, the more i gotta try. i have to face reality one day too.. it will take a very long time. You guys would know, so if I am breaking apart, dont try to stop me..

2008-05-07T00:45:00.003+08:00

I shall just make this real real quick. Because I'm running out of time now. And at such a rate I'm going, not doing tutorial, doing last minute preparation for every single thing, I will just fail or maybe not meet the standards that I've set for myself.

Just got home from work. Ended at 11:15pm. yea. reached home at 11:40. I bathed, ate a little which is called my supper(dinner). I actually didn't eat my lunch too. My lunch was my breakfast. woah!!!. Oh well, gotta chiong my presentation for later on BMGT.
I really hope that my BCOMM presentation didn't suck, I know I can do much better, way beyond standard. SIGHS!!!. =(. Although I did impress my friends, but it's like nice and sweet words to you. Get it? Thanks anyway. Shall be a good girl and study now, last minute work again. Kang is also doing so, we're in the same boat and same group. hahas. good luck to us then.

And yes - Scholarship interview... shit. such a last minute notice to me. Gotta print all my relevant stuffs. and get enough sleep, which i won't even have. Wish me luck.

I'm not sure if i should be real and nice to myself. SIGHS...

this is a continuation as I'm done with BMGT. just let Kang to edit and that's it. hopefully. Finally i got my lovely toys, soft toys i meant. haha. shall take a pic of them and post it here or should i just take it from FlowerAdvisor.com.sg? But i got it at a very very low price. haha. the price at our website is like totally freaking high though. This is called business. Do buy stuffs over there, gifts, flowers, hampers, wines, soft toys, practically everything, And it's also because i work there. The stuffs really really good. hahas. gotta work again tmr after my interview, I hope I will be selected, my schools fees isn't paid in full yet, I paid like only peanuts. WTF.. shall pay my debts soon such that I can take my exams. Damn it.

Work work work, Mug mug mug.. like i do mug. hah!. dang. My life's like really up and down turned everywhere. zzz..

He msged me, i thought was really a wrong person, or maybe I was really ignorant to it. Amazingly, I replied.

2008-05-05T22:13:00.005+08:00

SIGHS.. I do really have a confused life. I am confused myself too.. Living in a confusing world. Oh my. I felt like contacting him and not to.. I'm in a like dumb witted situation. I don't know how and what I'm feeling now. Although he did contact me but was unavailable since my friends told me not to bother him. My heart was like telling me to answer or reply his messages. But on the other side of my subconscious mind, it told me that I shouldn't be doing so. I guess it's because of the influence of my friends?

My Ex talked to me on msn. Was a random one. We rarely even contact.
This was how it went.

Sherman says : ": hello
Sherman says : ": sick?
MONSTER IS SICK.: yes
MONSTER IS SICK.: *heartbroken
Sherman says : ": how come?
MONSTER IS SICK.: i felt as if i was betrayed by 3 ppl
Sherman says : ": wow
MONSTER IS SICK.: and i dont know what
Sherman says : ": linked story or seperate?
MONSTER IS SICK.: is the reason why he wants me back
Sherman says : ": hmm in what sense?
MONSTER IS SICK.: like after so many that happened
MONSTER IS SICK.: when i didnt even mention that
MONSTER IS SICK.: and he said we will just end like that
MONSTER IS SICK.: but now he wants me back
MONSTER IS SICK.: tt's really weird
Sherman says : ": okay
Sherman says : ": get back to him lor
Sherman says : ": if you still feel for him
MONSTER IS SICK.: sighs
MONSTER IS SICK.: so i dont know now
MONSTER IS SICK.: my friends told me not to reply him
MONSTER IS SICK.: or ans his calls/msgs
Sherman says : ": okay i'm asking you to ask yourself what you wanna do
Sherman says : ": if your friends asks you to jump down the building you gonna do that?
MONSTER IS SICK.: no
MONSTER IS SICK.: for that i wont

that's the end of the conversation. yea. well. I'm also in a lost now. It's really in a lost.
Anyway, thank you for those who cared so much about me recently.
My dearest and beloved senior: I know you're worried bout me recently. I didn't call you back too last night. Sorry my dear. I tried calling you today, but I think you're really busy at work. Don't OT too much. Bad for your health.

Somebody tell what I should do now?? I shall tell you how I feel: I love him. And it's true.
So what should i do next??

Tearing apart but numbing myself at the same time...

At the end of everything, even whatever friend A has told me, he told me that no one can be trusted at this point of time. My friend heard that too. That was the very last time I contacted him. He did say many stuffs which made me pondered hard. Well, everyone's not reliable now. Get my sources right first, before coming to conclusions. I shall not make any assumptions. Ever since that heart to heart talk, or maybe after trying to sort of numb myself, I didn't really think about the whole incident again. It turn come into my mind, but it's an on and off kind. Well, friend A also told me at the very end, just follow your heart, if you think whatever I said was untrue, or I have any motives, you can think in that manner. Friend A said I can don't trust him, which made the previous lines quite true. A little bit of complication here and there. But... my friend said, this can be solved but it depends on yourself and the consequences of it.

Shall think about my BCOMM presentation now. I did mine wrongly. Tried to practice my speech, I couldn't talk. !!!!!!!! I'm so gonna be dead tmr.

2008-05-04T14:28:00.009+08:00

RANDOMNESS

Some Random stuffs to share : I am selected for BA ENVOYS!!! :D:D:D
Cheryl was asking if I was selected because she received email, but sadly she wasn't in. zzz. And I told her I wasn't updated, because I didn't check my Gmail Account.

Somehow it did brighten up my day. I guess... so they took my picture at the end of my interview because I'm already selected that day? geexx..

But that's only for the moment..zzz.. oh wells.
Thank you Kelvin and Boon Sun for taking over my shifts these few days. I really appreciated that. Thank you for your concerns too.

All I have to say now...
I still love him for whatever that happened. I can't change the past right?
Thinking about my presentation now. What kind of sector and job position should I get into??
Recommendations?

2008-05-04T13:36:00.004+08:00

No more fading away. No disappearing. I did guess correctly. If I have known, I wouldn't want to know anyone already. I'm glad that you're there for me when i needed someone by my side most. I understood what you did was to allow me to start a new life and that you're not the only guy who'll be treating me well. I Sighs. sometimes I'm really really confused. I have a confusing life i guess. Reached home at 7am today. And i slept till now. And I'm currently taking a break from FlowerAdvisor.com. I'm glad that they understood my situation, but they told me that I really ought to stand on my feet again. I will go back when I'm mentally and physically fit. Colleagues and friends I will tell myself to be strong. Like what you all said. So many people (Guys) out there. I shouldn't be limiting my eyes just on one. I broke down a few times. Thank you Michael for calling and praying for me on the phone. I can't promise that I will not totally breakdown one day. But i can assure my dear friends that I will take good care of myself and not put them in the lurk worrying for me. Now, I do know that my close friends do worry about me. I thought they wouldn't since they're so busy with school and with their own lives. And it seems like I'm always there for people but no one will be there for me somehow. However, I was proven wrong. Because I didnt take the initiative to contact them.. So...I shall not bottle up feelings within my range anymore. Actually, my dear special friend, I really wanted to spend my night weeping because of the songs that I'm listening to. But I didn't. Lols. I don't want you to worry about me too. Ever since the incident, or rather, before the incident, you've tried to pull me away from that group, but i couldn't get that hint. Well, what has passed have already passed. Shall not look back again. And thank you for your thought on them too. It seems like you know them better than I do, although you don't clique with them ever since. I do hope that you take good care of yourself too. As your problems are much worst than me. Like between life and death. Don't worry I won't get drugged or will I will be drinking alone and asking for rescue. Don't kena wack by that bunch of people already. Retaliate next time. rahhhhh. =).. All I can say is - PROTECT yourself my friend.

FINALLY DONE.. MY SIS thinks i need to change my blogskin. I happened to chance upon this one. So i did some addition and edition to it. Hope it is something fresh. ;D;D

I shall eat my lunch now. As I'm suffering from deficiency already.

2008-05-02T23:47:00.000+08:00

PEOPLE im not ok. and was never ok. I am strong! It's a fact. Jeraena also agreed when i asked her. She said i dont look strong i am strong. sighs. why i give such impressions to people. zzzzz. Even my parents think I am happy with them or whatever. Said i don't care about their lives. Dead or not. Wth. I have problems now right tt's why i didnt go home. Not as if i did something bad outside. I dont take drugs, or smoke or drink this time round. Although i wanted to. Got lobang.. aha. idiot. Came back home the first thing she did was to scold me. WTH. It's already enough adding on to much more of my frustration.

Met my sec school classmate. And she's shocked that I'm in NP. She was much more amazed that i was worst than the other time. Which is my size. She's like what happened to you? I told her i'm dying lo. terminal illness. haha. i dont mind la. i got a very bad life already.

2008-05-02T18:42:00.002+08:00

Jeraena asked when i will be back on my feet. How long will i take to recover? She said it's 3 weeks already and i'm still the same.. After reading i was about to cry but when i called christina i cried more. WTH.. There's no ending to it. I told them maybe i will take ages? And both of them said young people.. Sighs. I'm just at a lost of words. Went to school everyone asked how was i cause i looked dead and moody. some said fierce. zzz. I told them i didnt go home for a day and appearing in school is good already. aiya. I don't know why the hell such stuffs will happen. My friend who wasnt in a r/s before said i should ask my bf first before making any assumptions. im very dumb lo. To hear from someone whom i just knew. haix. but people who are in a r/s told me not to ask him although i did follow my instincts to want to meet him straight away. all i can say is i have myself to blame. this is my 2nd mistake. like for wei kok. i also made the hell out of him. He's a nice guy and it turns out that i corrupted himself and myself. shit ah.. Can anyone tell me when will i wake up to my senses and be back on my feet???

Jackson gave me his ring.. and asked me to keep it and will never fade away from me again.
Both him and my gf thought that what ever they did for me will be ok. But i guess and they did guess that i wont.. very sorry.. I really can't help it.

Maybe i should consider using david as sparetire. Since he kept spamming me since the last few weeks, although i was really irritated and that's why i changed my number too. Should I?? Tell me. haha.

2008-05-01T11:38:00.002+08:00

Some people dont seem to know anything. And blamed me for whatever i did to him. and that person is his bro. the only person who will just anyhow lecture me. WTF. I just want to tell him the reason myself. Just that it's really hard for me to bring it up.
To me - that's how i think.
1st - He don't know
2nd - He has something to hide (which he knows what's going on and doesn't know how to explain.
3rd - he doesn't even bother.

ZZZZ. Received a number of calls from my friends. I wonder i talked to whom. Cause i did pick up some. I was sleeping. I really wonder what i did then.

I really felt like giving it up. But i think i can't. DUMB.

I put everything to a standstill as I'm so helpless now. Save me from this agony.

Who fits the bill of a bastard? just tell me how you are and what you did. I shall tell you. If you ever want to know. =) Cheers!

2008-04-30T15:17:00.002+08:00

TRUST = to be able to believe and rely on that person wholeheartedly. It applies to everyone - those who are close and dear to you.

Can anyone be trusted on this dying earth??

doubts and doubts

i doubt so.

The only person whom I can trust now is.. My Father in Heaven. He is the only one whom anyone can trust. No matter what religion you're from.. All i can say. Our 3 in one living god is the only one whom you can pour your sorrows to.

He kept saying he doesn't know why I'm freaking mad and furious about this.

I was super mad and I still am. It made me really boil to 39.5 Degrees Celcius. it's like wth is happening to me? I couldn't sleep and i tossed around for hours till like this morning 7 plus till i see messages bombing my phone. I was shocked and amazed. Well, if up till now, he still doesn't know what's wrong, I can't do anything to help him already. I shall just wish the best of luck to the next person be it girl or guy. The victim that follows me. At least, I yearn that the person will not be as dumb as me. I'm really dumb.

DUMB - a word that can describe me.

Lecture was just boring today. BMGT - it is just a wastage of time. I sat there and Javier let me listen to his songs. WTH. a few sad songs. I really wanna tear, but i gotta control myself. Followed by Techno - drive me super high. We went mad or rather, i think i was the one who went nuts. So.. that's how i spent my 2h our BMGT lecture. =)..

What i'm feeling right now - Mixedup!! I have all my feelings jumbled up together. I am going crazy. really crazy. I guess it'll be another sleepless night for me already.

Shall continue again if i feel like it.

I really regret trusting the one whom I love. Maybe there's a huge miscommunication. Maybe. I hope so, but it doesn't seem so right..

Everything's so so so wrong now..

My world's turned upside down.

2008-04-29T00:11:00.005+08:00

I really don't know what to say.. I just had a boiling sensation running from head to toe. RIGHT.. I think what Jeraena said was right. I should not have been so nice.. BASKET. I shall finish my unfinished stuffs and get the presents that i should get for Kah Hwee and Vanessa. Headache. I think i really have no time for all these already. But they're my best friends/buddies.

Yes we're tired after a day's work or school. say wanna sleep but not sleeping i think. suck la.
Really clash.. See how long it can continue. I shall open my eyes wider and set my mind thinking. But Cass says to take good care of my health first. I do agree. I dont wanna be affected by such stupid stuffs already. Since they're clever people. hahas.

Jackson - I dont think it's funny of you to fade away. You didn't do anything wrong. and besides we're really good friends or pals. I wonder what made u think you have not fulfilled your promises to me??

I wonder if I've ever made the right choices in my life. Maybe what all my friends and fellow adults said was very right. Why think you've regretted? He's not someone you should be with. Reason: He's not a good guy. I do agree..

REGRET is a great word for me. I can never regret in my life. REGRET is sth that will cause me to fall one day. AND if it happens, I will severe all ties with whoever i know.

2008-04-26T00:23:00.002+08:00

BOOOOO... I've a lot to update.. but i shall not at the moment. Will be doing some revamping of the blog with my friend's help. Hope it will be pretty nice and great =) !

Had a very long MSN conversation with Jeraena ever since she knew about my problems. And it is really really long... VERY LONG..

It's about him and also myself.. His was yesterday.. and today I think it's because of my MSN nickname which made a conversational topic again. hahas..

I shall put up some i guess later today?? or maybe tmr.. see how it goes and will do an update on my interesting and not so interesting day.. It seems rather okay to me though.. normal routine yet not so normal...

Piano pract starts at 8am sharp tmr.. Look forward to it as I'm getting my new Jazz - POP book.. shall discover it tmr..

Right now.. I shall continue with my chat with her... She is really nice to relate to.. I can trust her totally and it's indeed complete trust which i cant possibly do that to many. I do trust my good pals and friends too.. Don't worry peeps.. She can read my mind and I'm super impressed.

Continue later.. I wanna find out more about myself. There are much for me to discover. I don't understand how i feel and my past has made me lead my life in spite and anger - according to her. sighs.. There's this urge for me to tear but somehow my tears went back..

2008-04-23T20:25:00.002+08:00

zzzz. I am so gonna fall already. First, I dropped my laptop!!! i'm freaking sad. there's a crack already. damn it. Secondly, I am gonna be sick soon. I have been lacking of sleep and good rest. I have muscle aches all over and it's like symptoms of having a serious serious flu which will last me like a week or so i think.. KNS.. weak fella. damn pissed at myself. zzz..
lastly, my special friend wanna fade away. I don't know what he's thinking about. I think he still feels guilty about the incident. Reason: He didn't fulfill his promise of protecting me.... Wonder why he thought in that way. But my guess is.. He had been treating me well all the time.. and.....
It's not even his fault. I have no right to say anything too.. Cause at the very end, he's just a special friend to me. Which is still friend. sighsighsigh.. I can't convince him too.. aiya. too tired. I can't think too.. I shall cry for my lappy. =).. It's a damn heartache to me for dropping that. Not only did it just drop, it bounced after dropping. That made it even worst ain't it??

Trying to revise french, but i don't think i remembered anything as I've been dazing around during the 2h lesson every Monday. It ends so late and I don't have such a long attention span. All these are excuses. haha. I wanna doze off already.. Why am I being hard on myself??

I think I've missed out many stuffs.. shall continue again if I have new updates.
yes, had a good lunch with cheryl and kang again. The trio from Swiss Cottage. zzzzzz.

PS: Michael, thank you for all the books which you've given me. Saved me from a bomb ($$$). Although I did spend like 60++ for 2 books already..
I shall protect my lappy from injury from today onwards. I shall take good care of you, my dear. Don't worry. =)..

time for me to zzzzzz.

2008-04-22T00:28:00.003+08:00

i am never good at words - even expressing my own feelings. so how could i even care about others? and i'm really blessed to have seriously good friends around me. I do really thank them a lot. As they're my pillar of strength, although I have to rely on myself at the end of the day. Fate is decided upon yourself. just had a tough time alone and although some tried to cheer me up, i couldn't control but just burst out and breakdown. I know I am not alone as they'll still be there physically/emotionally. Emotionally which most of them were doing and are doing. =) Thank you my dear friends and my managers/boss. You are people who are much older and have experienced much more in life especially in the case for love.

Although I've heard about such sayings: It is hard to let go of someone you love but trust me, time will heal if you both are not meant to be.
remember to be fair to yourself too, cannot just give and give then you will end up being so exhausted and drained and it will not be love anymore cos he doesn't even love you enough to consider your welfare
then u gotta decide if your love is strong enough to last through this
cos love is not blind and dumb
it requires your mind and heart also
so you cannot force yourself to pretend nothing and continue to love him. sometimes some people make good bf but not good hubby
cry it out and you will feel better
but then you will be very tired tomorrow
then your eyes wil be swollen, you gotta put cold cucumber on your eyes
it is not easy i know and times like this, as God put you through this test i am sure He is teaching something from it and also, you put God to the test by trusting HIm completely and believing He has better plans in store for you and tat is why you are letting go and moving ahead with Him not knowing wat is ahead.
Jeraena is really good. hahas. still advise me to put cucumber on my eyes. I know it'll swell, no matter how much or how little. And it is really bad. Guess i gotta go to school in such a condition with my super tired look. zzzzz. She's married with 3 kids. And all of them are so super cute. =). I admire her actually. And also those who are attached/married too. GO on strong.

Edwin also did cheer me up online, and adding me into the conversation with those FA ID team actually pissed me cause it's personal msn. but well, it's alright. he thought i was working now.. zzz. wth. Away from that, he did say the same stuffs too and kept teasing me. One thing to note: He said I am strong. Even stronger than him especially during my time at work, woah. amazed me though. And was shocked that i am in such a state now. Cause it's just so unlike me. People dont expect me to breakdown just like that. Oh well, I am never strong, maybe i do give that first impression to people: Si'En is a brave and strong girl ( both mentally/physically).. zzzz. i doubt so whenever I have problems on my own or factors that are affecting me.

to continue again. I am really exhausted and worn out by the tears I've shed. I do not totally say I regret cause i don't want him to think that way. Eventually, it'll boost up his ego. He has really great ego up up up there. so... Saying regret out from my mouth is really hard. It'll only happen when i fail right down. which has yet to happen and I am still preventing it to happen. i don't expect anything to change or happen.

guys around me care about me a lot. And wants to be there for me and lend me their shoulders.. but i just couldnt do it. i wanted too though. but.. i think no point.. maybe if it's really time for me to do so as he is doing so.. then i will have to move on. No one can possibly cling on to something that will not exist or come back to you again. I shall try to sleep and have some rest. I have seriously not feeling healthy these few days. I have the possibility of fainting anytime. But I am strong so I can succumb it. Good night. I have 5hrs to sleep now. Didn't manage to read up on anything ever since I'm back home. I can't afford to lose time now. Sighs. And nothing's engraved in my mind - knowledge......

time for self-recharging....

panda is coming to school later on.

I shall continue again.

2008-04-20T20:23:00.001+08:00

Bright, cold silver moon. Tonight alone in my room. You were here just yesterday. Slight turn of the head, eyes fell when you said, I guess I need my life to change. Seems like something's just not the same. What could I say?

I'll need a little more luck than a little bit, cause everytime I get stuck, the words won't fit. And everytime that I try I get tongue tied, I need a little good luck to get me by. I need a little more help than a little bit. Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet. Cause everytime that I try to get tongue tied, I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

I stare up at the stars, I wonder just where you are, you feel a million miles away. (I wonder just where you are). Was it something I said, or something I never did? Or was I always in the way? (Was it something I did). Can someone tell me what to say, to just make you stay?

I'll need a little more luck than a little bit, cause everytime I get stuck, the words won't fit. And everytime that I try I get tongue tied, I need a little good luck to get me by. I need a little more help than a little bit. Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet. Cause everytime that I try I get tongue tied, I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

I know it feels like again, don't want to be here again. And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again. And what it takes I don't care, were gonna make it I swear. And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again, again.

I need a little more luck than a little bit, cause every time I get stuck, the words won't fit. But everytime that I try I get tongue tied, I need a little good luck to get me by. I need a little more help, than a little bit. Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet. Cause everytime that I try to get tongue tied, I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

I know it feels like again, don't want to be here again. And we could help each other off the ground, so we never fall down again. And what it takes I don't care, were gonna make it I swear. And we could help eachother off the ground, so we never fall down again.

i am tongue.tied.

2008-04-20T18:56:00.002+08:00

freaking pissed for the whole of today. instead of meeting him or my friend such that i can sort things out properly, i went home straight after work. and so. yea, my previous post is up there. And the reason why i dont wanna meet him ytd to sort things out was:
The kind of message he replied back was insincere. Excerpt from it: this is what he sad: i told you, if you wantedme back, i would take you back but see how long later....
After reading the whole message, i was like fucking hell. treat me like that. sounds as if i'm just some shui bian girl lo. like what his brother is doing. want girl A then dont want her. then want his old flame. idiot la. and from my friend X, X said he's just acting. Was furious so i told him not to meet then since i've already known the answer. So it's like no point of me telling him how i feel. So i post it here. at least i do feel better in a way or another, but, at the end of the day, i am still hurt. darn it.

just kangyang said it takes loads of anger and courage to post it out.. zzzz. maybe. i know it's not my usual self. cause the impression I give to the people around me are - normal, sweet, innocent. hahas. so funny. do i look like one? i think this is for normal people. the rest are like. i shall not comment further. think i'm some sleazy person. F*** off la. And to the few people out there. Just stop bugging me about jumping into another relationship already. I will not go into anyone anymore. I've not even solved my own problems and yet you guys came in. Stop bothering me. It's like freaking mad at them. bug and bug non-stop. the 3 words. I LOVE YOU. woah. so easily said. That's what all guys are good at it. Which is why, I don't say these words that easily. To say and mean it from the bottom of one's heart is the way. You think it's like plain water?? say it whenever you want? super despo.

besides that point. The feeling which I described to KangYang was I do love him, but at the same time, I do hate it. it's so screwed up. zzzz. I am really tired and right now i'm just waiting for his message. He can choose to reply me or not. The other time he also didnt cause of some reason. And i know why he's like that. Let your imagination run wild. Cause it's totally hidden meanings. hard to explain too.

2008-04-20T00:48:00.005+08:00

SORRY PEEPS. IN REAL LIFE I'M NOT LIKE THAT. YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW. THESE WORDS COMING OUT FROM MY MOUTH DAMN HARD LA. ANW IT'S ONLY WRITING. DONT TAKE IT TOO HARD

FFFFF. IM NOT GONNA CARE HOW I WRITE NOW. I SHALL JUST RANT LIKE SHIT BUSINESS. I FEEL LIKE FFFF----INGGGGGGGG PPL. AND IN MY SENSE. NOT THE SENSE OF HAVING CASUAL FUCKING FREE SEX. OR USE PPL AS SEX TOOL LIKE YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT. I MAY SOUND VERY VULGAR HERE NOW. CAUSE IM SUPER PISSED, CONFUSED AND I DONT KNOW WHAT'S LOVE. IM LIKE HOOKED BY IT ALREADY. DO I LOVE??? YES / NO?? I SAID I DONT KNOW. SAY I WANNA JUST FLING. SIAO AH. KNN.. U THINK I'M THAT KIND. I THINK YOU'RE THE ONE. LIKE HOW U TREAT GIRLS. SO NICE LO. ME? I THINK IT'S JUST WHAT EVERY BF WILL DO AT LEAST. MY TRUST FOR HIM OR RATHER MY LOVE FOR HIM SORT OF FADED. MAYBE NOT FADED. IT'S LIKE DEMORALIZING FOR SOMEONE TO HEAR THAT OOHH. PEOPLE/ HUMAN ARE WHAT???.. CIVILIZED. AND MOREOVER, BECAUSE OF THAT WE WILL TEND TO LOOK FOR FRESHER STUFFS. YES INDEED, TO THAT POINT. I FUCKING AGREE, BUT THE OTHER PART COMES IN, WHY DO BOYFRIENDS (GUYS) CHEAT ON THEIR GFs????

REASON 1: THE GIRLS ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
REASON 2: CAN'T SATISFY THE NEEDS OF THE GUY (SEXUALLY, OR EMOTIONALLY, OR WHAT I DON'T KNOW.)
REASON 3: CAUSE THE GUY LOST THAT SO CALLED FEELING OR LOVE FOR HER FOR ANOTHER PERSON.
REASON 4: I DONT KNOW.
MAYBE THERE'S MANY MANY MORE.

UPON HEARING IT, I TELL YOU MAN, I AM SO DISAPPOINTED. YOU SAID YOU'RE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN ME, WHICH IS A VERY BAD WORD ALREADY TO YOU. CAUSE IT SHOWS THAT THE WAY YOU TREAT ME WILL CHANGE OR WHATEVER. AIYA. I HECK LA. TO SPEAK OF THE TRUTH. I DO THINK I'VE FALLEN FOR HIS FUCKING BRAINS. WHICH I CALL MYSELF DUMB. CAUSE I'VE ONLY FELT IT AFTER THE BREAK-UP. AND I THINK THAT WOAH, ACTUALLY I WON'T BE THAT SAD AFTERALL BY NUMBING MYSELF, BUT I GUESS I'M NOT. SORRY FOR SHOWING MY WEAKNESS HERE. THAT'S ME. YEA, I'VE LOST SOMETHING. OR RATHER, SOMEONE SO IMPT TO ME. SO BRAINY, HANDSOME, WILL MAKE BIG BUCKS ONE DAY. PPL WHO TRUSTS AND LIKE SO MUCH, MAYBE LOVE TOO??? CAUSE EVERYONE TELLS ME THAT HE SAID MANY PPL WANT HIM SO BADLY. IT'S LIKE YOU KNOW, A CRAVING THAT ONLY THAT ONE CAN HAVE?? BEATS ME.. MAYBE AFTERALL HE IS THAT GREAT.

BUT COME ON... WE'RE HUMANS. GOD MADE US AND IT'S NOT FOR US TO ACTUALLY BE IMPERFECT. IT'S THE SIN THAT ADAM AND EVE COMMITTED WHICH LED TILL TODAY. AND IT'S GOING ON AND ON. FUCK. AND YES, HE SEEMS TO THINK THAT HE IS ALWAYS SUPER PERFECT, THE WAY HE TALKS I DO ADMIT. I DO LOOK UP TO HIM IF IM A FRIEND, BUT AS A GF FOR ONCE, FUCKING DAMN YOU. I DON'T. REASON.... IT'S ALL UP THERE. NOT ALL. SOME ARE NOT THERE AS I'VE YET TO FUCKING FINISH IT. I LEARNT ALL THIS FUCKING THIS FROM HIM. FUCK ALL THE WAY LO. NEVER IN MY LIFE DO GUYS OR RATHER BF USE SUCH A WORD AT ME. IF YOU'RE ANGRY I UNDERSTAND I CAN JUST CLOSE ONE EYE. AFTER BREAKING UP, I ANNOUNCE, HE BROKE UP WITH ME. SO I DIDN'T SPOIL HIS EGO. IT'S BEING NICE. AND ALTHOUGH I WANNA TAKE HIM BACK BUT I GUESS THE FEELING WON'T BE THERE, CAUSE HE TOLD ME HE PUT IN A LOT FOR ME. I THINK STILL OK ACTUALLY. WHAT HE DID FOR ME?? DID HE ONCE PUT HIMSELF IN MY SHOES?? MAYBE I'VE YET TO UNDERSTAND HIM THOROUGHLY WHICH MADE ME DARN DUMB TO JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP AFTER LIKE SO LONG. CAUSE I ACTUALLY STEREOTYPE GUYS TO THE EXTEND. AND YA. HE PROVED ME SORT OF RIGHT. ALL GUYS WILL STILL REMAIN. AHHH.. SAD. WANT GIRLS. THEN FIND WHOEVER WHO HAS FISH TANKS, EHHH.... INTRO ME GIRLS LEHX. I WANNA KNOW THEM. VERY SAD NOW LA. HELP LA... FUCK YOU LA. FUCKING HELL. AND THAT WAS WHEN WE'VE NOT BROKEN UP. THINK I'M DUMB AH. WANT TO DO STH NASTY OR MAYBE CHEAT. ALSO NOT LIKE THAT. ALSO. ADVISE YOUR BROTHER KY . WANNA CHEAT GIRLS OR THE SO CALLED FUCK BUDDY HE HAD, COME ON, USE STH MUCH BETTER. I TOLD HER THINGS THAT I THINK SHE SHOULD KNOW. CAUSE SHE SERIOUSLY LOVES HIM. AND I'VE ONLY ASKED IF SHE KNEW THAT GIRL IS COMING BACK. GOT PROB?? YOU CAN HELP YOUR BRO. I CAN'T HELP HER LA. I'M STANDING AT THE POINT FOR A GIRL/ WOMEN. THINK OF IT AT THE END OF THE DAY, IF YOU WERE HER, YOU LIKE IT? BEG ME NOT TO TELL, SAYING YOU'RE CONFUSED. FUCK. IF YOU'RE CONFUSED THEN YOU SHOULDNT USE HER AS SOME SPARE TIRE IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF YOU'VE FINISHED TOYING HER THEN CHUCK HER ASIDE, WHY STILL HOLD ON TO HER FOR SO LONG??? AND CAN YOU RESIST THE TEMPTATION??? THE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE SEXUALLY CONNECTED ONCE, OH MY GOSH, DON'T KNOW CONNECTED TO HOW MANY PEOPLE LA. I JUST FIND IT ATROCIOUS. GET STDS FROM THERE. STILL CAN ACCEPT SUCH A PERSON, MAYBE IM BEING OUT DATED. NOT OPENED ENOUGH. HELLO??? I CAN BE. I JUST DONT WANNA BE. DOWNGRADE WOMEN. DOWNGRADE MYSELF, EMBARASS MY PARENTS AT THE END OF THE DAY EVEN IF THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW. AIYA. I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN. MY THOUGHTS ARE RUNNING WILD.

AND SO IT'S ALSO BECAUSE OF THIS. 2 BROTHERS CAN GANG UP TO CONCEIVE THEIR FRIEND ( THE GIRL). FOOK YOU 2. SO NICE IS IT? STILL SAY PPL LIKE YOU AND TRUST YOU TO THE CORE. MAYBE THE OTHER GUYS THINK YOU'RE RIGHT LA. CAUSE THOSE ARE PEOPLE WHO LIKES YOU. MY FUCKING GUY FRIENDS WILL JUST KILL ME LA. CAUSE AT THE LEAST THEY'RE REAL GUYS. THEY WILL STILL UDS THAT IT SUCKS LIVING ON EARTH LIKE THAT. BLOODY GO HELL.
YOU CAN SAY I'M IMMATURE. ASK ME TO FUCKING FUCKING GROW UP. 18 ALREADY. YEA. I AM SO CHILDISH, THIS IS HOW I AM. I AM SO SO STUBBORN I THINK I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. AT THE END OF THE DAY IF I'M WRONG I WILL ADMIT IT. HAVE YOU REGRETTED?? MAYBE NOT. CAUSE IT'S MY LOST. I EMPHASISE. I'M A SORE LOSER. I SUCK. PUTTING UP SUCH A POST TO MAKE PPL WORST OFF. CAUSE IM IDIOT PATHETIC. WHATEVER IT IS I DONT CARE WHAT ARE THE COMMENTS. CAUSE I'VE ENOUGH OF MY OWN PROBS TO SOLVE ALREADY. AND IT KILLS ME. I THOUGHT HAVING A R/S WITH YOU WILL BE NICE. BUT SATISFYING ONE'S NEED IS QUITE HARD YOU KNOW. AFTERALL YOU SAID YOU'RE A GUY. IF THE GIRL LOVES HIM WHOLEHEARTEDLY SHE WILL DO ANTH FOR HIM. RIGHT. I DONT THINK SEX=LOVE BTW. YES I KNOW IT DOES. BUT.. WELL, FROM WHAT I HEARD FROM KY, GO FUCK HER LA. THEN SHE WILL LOVE YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY. DAMN YOU LA KY. IS THAT HOW U SHOWED UR LOVE TO HER??? I DONT EVEN THINK U LOVE HER. U LOVE HER FOR THAT CRINGE OF WANT AND CRAVING. SPLASHING YOUR SPERMS AROUND IN HER BOSOM. FUCK YOU.

NO YOU DON'T. CAUSE U SAID YOU DIDNT. AND THIS IS HOW IT GOES.. THE GIST OF IT. HIS MESSAGE: YOU KNOW YOURSELF WHAT YOU TOLD XXX.... WHAT YOU CALLED ME... (PS: I CALLED HIM A BASTARD ONLY AND DIDN'T SPREAD ANY SHIT ABOUT HIM) OK.. THINGS HAPPEN AND I WILL KNOW. CAUSE PPL LIKE ME AND TRUST ME. IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE. YOU ONLY MADE YOURSELF LOOKED BAD. ... ZZZ READ ALREADY I WANNA SLEEP. FUCK LA. WHY MUST I DO SUCH A THING. DO I LOOK SO IMMATURE TO YOU? I'VE PASSED THAT STAGE. IDIOT LA. AND WHEN YOU SAID 1.06AM BREAK UP. MAYBE YOU'RE SAD OR DISAPPOINTED, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU DID. CAUSE YOU TOLD ME, IF YOU WANT ME BACK THEN TAKE ME BACK, BUT I WILL DECLARE MYSELF AS SINGLE AND OPEN MYSELF TO MANY OUT THERE. GO LO. SINCE YOU SAID YOU'RE FREAKING POPULAR RIGHT. AND IT'S LIKE SAYING HEY SI'EN YOU'VE LOST MAN, MOVE ON. WHY WANNA CRY OVER SPILT MILK ONE DAY. FUCK LA. MAYBE I'VE DID MANY STUFFS THAT MADE HIM HIT THE LIMIT. OH WELL, HE'S THE ONLY PERSON WHOM I CAN SAY I CAN'T REALLY RELATE EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM TO. CAUSE OF WHAT HE MENTIONED EARLIER ON, MANY STUFFS ACTUALLY. AND IT KEPT RINGING IN MY FUCKING LOUSY BRAIN. IM NOT BEING PATHETIC AND ASKING PPL TO PITY ME. CAUSE LIKE WHAT HE SAID CONTINUE TO LIVE IN THAT PITIFUL WORLD OF YOURS YOU WON'T SUCCEED. HELLO, YOUR LIFE IS SO NICELY BRANCHED OUT. I'M SO DIFF AND I DONT WISH TO EXPLAIN TOO. CAUSE WE'VE CALLED QUITS. I TOLD YOU TO FORGET ME ONCE AND FOR ALL GO LOOK FOR YOUR BETTER CHOICES, YEA WHY I SAID THAT?? CAUSE I'M FREAKING PISSED AT MYSELF AND AT HIM TOO. SINCE I'VE NOT PUT IN ALL SINCE DAY 1. NO I'M WRONG. NOT DAY 1. DONT KNOW FROM WHICH DAY ONWARDS, I FELT THAT I SHOULD ISOLATE FROM HIM, AS WHAT HE SAID OR DO IMPACTED ME LOADS. HMMM.. SO OF COURSE, HE THINKS THAT WAY.. SO HE SAID FORGET ME LO.

AIYA. IM TOO LAZY ALREADY. FUCKING TIRED AFTER WORKING AND STUDYING. I DON'T MIND BEING WORKAHOLIC EARNING THAT PATHETIC MONEY THAT I WILL GET. . CAUSE MY LIFE IS ALREADY FATED. I'M SO PITIFUL AND PATHETIC. I LOVE TO LIVE IN IT. SAYING YOU'VE GONE THRU SHIT. I UDS THOSE SHIT. BUT I GUESS YOU'RE NOT TOTALLY EMOTIONALLY HURT BEFORE. CAUSE IF YOU DO, YOU WILL KNOW HOW I FEEL. TELLING ME STORIES ABOUT YOUR EX. YOU DON'T LIKE ME TALKING ABOUT THEM, YOU AUTO CAN TELL ME ANYTIME. AND LOVES COMPARING ME WITH THEM OR ANY GIRLS IN YOUR LIFE. SINCE WHEN I COMPARED YOU?? FUCK. I HATE PPL COMPARING ME AND YEA I'M NOT HOT LA, NOT SEXY, DON'T HAVE NICE BODY OR WHATEVER CAN'T SATISFY YOUR NEEDS. FIND SOME HOT BABE LA. THOUGHT YOU WANNA KNOW MANY SUPER HOT GIRLS. NO ONE CAN STOP YOU.
YOU DON'T LIKE GIRLS CHEATING ON YOU. I WON'T CAUSE IT SUCKS LA. LIVE SUCH A STUPID LIFE. FLING YOUR HEAD. INSULT ME AS SOMEONE WHO WANNA FLING. THINK OF IT.

I WAS HURT DEEPLY. I COULDN'T SLEEP PROPERLY AT NIGHT. SUPER STRESSED BY IT. BUT I STILL THINK IM ALRIGHT. HE THINKS I HURT HIM A LOT. AND I ALSO THOUGHT SO. I TOLD MYSELF HE HAS NEVER EVER HURT ME BEFORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW, CAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT KIND OF HURT HE HAS INFLICTED IN ME.

I SHALL CONTINUE AGAIN ONCE I'VE SORTED OUT MY THOUGHTS.

I'M FUCKING TIRED AND CONFUSED. MOREVER, I CAN'T THINK ANYMORE. I CAN STILL TALK TO MY GF LAUGHING LIKE MAD. AS IF NOTHING HAS EVER HAPPENED. JUST THAT I MYSELF AND THEY THINK THAT I AM SUPER DUPER HYPERACTIVE. I CAN TALK WITH ENERGY ALTHOUGH IM ALREADY SO SOUR.....

GOOD NIGHT. SHALL RANT AGAIN. CAUSE I'M NOT SLEEPING..

GOING TO SWETTENHAM ROAD TMR. BIG HOUSE, CARS AND WINES. WAOH. I LURVE IT. SURPRISINGLY I DIDNT DRINK THIS TIME. MOST OF THE TIME I WILL.. I SHALL KEEP MY BODY SHAPE BETTER. CAUSE IT'S ALREADY BAD ENOUGH. IN CASE ONE DAY HE GO AROUND TELLING HIS FRIENDS, EH SHE'S ACTUALLY LIKE THAT ONE LA. NO KICK LA. AIYA. NO ONE WANTS. YOU WANT AH. 50CENTS CAN BUY HER. FUCK YOU.

MY GOOD IMPRESSION OF YOU HAS GONE DOWN THE DRAIN. AND I THINK SUPER HIGHLY OF YOU. MANY PPL CALCULATED HOW CLOSE WE CAN BE TOGETHER. I THINK IT'S THE REVERSE NOW. THE CALCULATIONS ARE ALL ZZZZZZZZ. WRONG.

AND I DO RESPECT YOU ALL THE TIME. DID YOU?? QUESTION YOURSELF.

PPL DO FALL ONE DAY. AND I'VE REALISED MY MISTAKES ALREADY. DO PROMPT ME IF I'VE STATED ANTH THAT'S NOT FACTUAL OR ACCURATE AT THE POINT OF TIME.

YOU CAN SAY I MIA FOR LONG AND DON'T CARE. BUT I DO ALL THE TIME. JUST THAT THOSE WORDS AND INCIDENTS PLAYED A BIG PART IN ME ALREADY.

GOODBYE.

2007-11-21T12:16:00.000+08:00

HOHOHO. Santa Claus is coming to town. It's gonna be the season of giving and thanksgiving. Well, in Singapore not the majority does that but I do hope that for this year of 2007 I would have a better Christmas. Comparing it to last year it was really fun and exciting but I ended up being super duper dirty, covered with smells of paint and foam, itchiness and most importantly my CRUMPLER bag was the "greatest" gift of all. wahaha. sounds rather sarcastic as my bag was seriously destroyed by the paints. I've learnt a lesson already so I hope I don't end up spending my night over there. hehs =)

I'm uberly bored now and then although I have work to occupy my time but it's kind of a slack kind of job. I'm currently working as a Customer Service Administrative Assitant in this company - Hunter Douglas Singapore Pte Ltd. It's located somewhere nearer to Jurong Point/NTU and Tuas. Hence, it's kinda far for me to travel. The pay is average and quite relevant to my qualifications. Hoping to get a job quite similar to that of now and have a slightly better pay since I've got my relevant experience in it. The staff is really good especially my respective managers. To add on, Anthony's always trying to humour me and he's practically one of the best managers I've met. (Probably it's due to his age. I shall disclose your age - 28yrs) hahas. And i still called him uncle ( Lao kok kok in mandarin). Sorry to mention that and that i did say that you're pui (Fat) this morning? Too bad that person in the picture is actually you, so I have no other choice. yeah! Working over here is really great I get to expose myself to different kinds of customer's request and doing some organising of events for the company. I have one word. Wonderful!

Most of the time I'm free unless there's a whole chunk of quotations and events that are urgent. Thus, during my free time, I'll do some web surfing for new fashions, gadgets, events and so on and furthermore I've been doing some research for stuffs to read. Example on business, accounting, management blah blah. I guess this doesnt sound like me. hahas. Maybe it's me like for a few year ago. Ever since Sec 2, I have this short attention span and I laze and sleep in class for most of the times. Remembering that i slept a lot during Sec 3 which caused me to flung everything and got to the last few positions. Kind of interesting but i tried to study a little and my final year exam was kind of a shock to some of my teachers as I've improved tremendously. But it came back in Sec4 again, this time it's worst with me have stress problems ending myself in depression for that year. blah blah blah. Fastforward to now, I think that life has got it's own meaning and existence. It's here for anyone and everyone. It's how we perceive and accept. I don't really accept for who I am now, as it practically weird. My life has a cycle - sleep, entertainment, work. BORING. Sometimes i feel that rotting at home is kind of fun though. Maybe Singapore is too small for many kinds of activities compared to that of the others. My time in Australia Melbourne is refreshing. It's an eye-opener to me. Learnt that many people has very distinctive views on pursuing their studies over there and in SG. It's probably the culture that affects us in that particular area.

I yearn to have a better life and right now I have this strong feeling that i wanna make the most out of me. Like supporting myself ( I dont ask my parents for money anymore - unlike the past i demand for so much although i know they dislike it. P.S I'm not the rich man's daughter.) always mistaken for that. Sighs. Even my relatives think my parents are super rich. Come for loans from them and don't return. Like WHAT THE FUG! They're too nice already. Soft-hearted too. WTH. I'm so different, never so nice and generous even if you're related to me by blood. Hence, for the others, it's self-explained. =# However, it ranges from situations for me.

Getting into any form of a relationship is not so important to me right now. I guess the right one hasn't appeared or I'm just aiming too high. I've just heck care a r/s weeks ago, toying the person's feeling, cause i dont feel the same way. I wonder if you do seriously. hahas. DANG. I dont care. Just felt very messed up and screwed during and after that. I dislike myself behaving in that manner. It sucks totally, wonder how many people out there do it. Fooling around just for the fun of it, it's only great for that moment but oh wells, I'm just myself. Glad to say that I'm the loyal kind of person. I'm always loyal to friends and whatsoever. But it's really hard to maintain that, takes loads of patience too. Glad that I've really good buddies and friends around me guiding my way through in life's ups and downs. Thank you people.

To my BFF, I shall make a good celebration for you this friday with Andrew and I hope it turns out well. Btw, my blog is lousy, i agree, haha, rusty already.

meeting jackson this sun for his church event. Good luck to ya man.

Clubbing - not for the moment, needa work everyday and get my pay. No work means no pay!. @#$%^&. LOLLLERS. 13 Nov 07 - Attica is nice on the designs but it sucks, the music is as lousy as DXO, or worst and with all the major problems, shakes my head, INDESCRIBABLE! My cliques were all fugged up and we went to KTV Party World to spend the rest of the wee hours there. Wasted much more because of Attica's event. Stupid. I've decided to change to pubbing. haha. I think it's much better there. Chill out music rather soothing.

Shopping - It's a must. A long time since I've shopped in SG. I sound like a Noob. Don't know much happenings in shopping malls now. Comparing SG and Melb. The clothes sold here are often the sexier type. Over there it's a different kind of style and it's cold so they do tend to wear thicker clothings and are quite covered up unlike in SG. Guys normally think that girls who dress up scandily look sexy and hot, well, i beg to differ. It ranges for diff people. Wonder why Asians dress less than Westerners. It's probably the result of climate. SG is too humid and warm. I don't like it. I stink like some rat. hahas. To the extent.

Cheers to having a good life in the future!!!!

Happiness - Having a Home theatre in 2 weeks time. =0=)=)

2007-09-18T07:55:00.000+08:00

it's just a time for concert for these 2 days. I've been to my cousins' concert such as the choir and their school biannual concert. I've taken some videos on them take a look later. The kids are really cute, so chubby and adorable. RAwrsss. I'm kinda bored now. Had some exercise the last few days, it worked for a moment but after stuffing those food into my mouth, arghh, everything went back to square one. lols. Couldn't resist my temptation into eating, as they are really great and nice food.

Helped out at the HEROES night on sat at BOXHILL TOWNHALL. yepps. It's a great night over there watching people perform and hearing the pastor giving a heart-to-heart talk. sort of. yea. It just makes everyone feel for it. Even for me. It's just so amazing. Talking on how being a Hero is all about. Not only helping the people but giving your heart to them and showering them with unconditional love!

Went to Boathouse on sunday after the concert and drank Ice chocolate milkshake and ate scones ( with freshcream, homemade jam) . Cool!! It's my first time dining in such outdoor restaurant with perfect scenery. There is a small sort of river i guess, there are small little ducks around and people could actually row the small boats around in that area and dine over there too. Wonderful ,isn't it? I love it! Besides that, it's just very refreshing.

Here are the pictures and videos that i'm posting. Have a good look at them. I bet they'll make you savour and you go yummy! I wanna eat them. haha. too bad, it's only a picture for you to look at! =)

my lil cousin - Issac Lee.

The 3 of us at Boathouse!

Choc. milkshake!

Cute choir boys from National Boys Choir of Aust.
SCONES!!! yummy food!! Are u craving for it too?

2007-09-14T08:46:00.001+08:00

YEA. SO HERE ARE SOME OF THE PICS WHICH IS TOOK WHEN I WAS REALLY BORED ON THE PLANE. WAHH.. MY TIME OF CAM WHORING. LOOKS A LITTLE DUMB THOUGH! HAVE FUN BROWSING.

MY DESSRT FOR THE MORNING

BLACK FOREST CAKE/BISCUIT
ITS STILL RATHER DARK
SLIGHTLY BRIGHTER!!

MY LOVEELY BREAKFAST! YUMMY=)

BRIGHTER

ALL THESE ARE THE DIFFERENT ANGLES OF SHOOT ON THE PLANE. NICE RIGHT?

RAINBOW COLOURS!!

PUFFY CLOUDS.

BAHHHHHHHH. MY STUPID FINGERS

OK PEEPS THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY!! HAVE LOADS OF FUN IN SCHOOL. ALTHOUGH IM HAVING FUN HERE BUT I DO MISS YOU GUYS. I WANNA GO TO SCHOOL TOO!!

SEE YA!!

2007-09-14T08:17:00.000+08:00

heys people. i'm back again. cause li hui asked me too. and so do kah hwee. lols.

what does 'COOL' means?
give a guess. i bet all of you will think of being cool, or it's cool out there something like that.
So are you guys 'COOL'?
but my little cousin is very idiotic, young is he but somehow he came and tell me that it's CONSTIPATED OVERWEIGHT OLD LADY. damn. luckily i said NO to him when he asked me about that. I know it's pretty dumb but people here are just mad. crazy!

there are many slangs that i've heard and learnt here. super weird though.
Here are some of the examples:
Mcdonalds = Maccus/Mcus
Sweets = lollies
there are many more but i couldn't remember them.

went out with nicole, one of the girl i've met in church which is called Full Gospel Assembly, FGA in short. yepps. She migrated here for about 6 yrs or so. and her family is pretty big. She has 4 other siblings. well, the age gap between them aren't that far apart. She came over to pick me up and so she drove me to Westfield Shopping Centre to grab a bite. So she told me many stuff about melbourne and asked what i'm interested in and so on. I chose to eat western since i've been eating like local food which is Asian like going to Chinese restaurants and even Canton ones for the past few days and eating the same at home. Decided to have a change of appetite thus we went to TGIF. I think there isn't any outlets in Singapore right? It stands for Thank God It's Friday. lols. what a name for a restaurant. I chose to eat Jack Daniel's steak and double chocolate brownie. Both servings are really huge and we actually shared them. And still we couldnt really finish the mash potatoes. really delicious. yums!!! i forced myself to finish the dessert instead. It's kind of expensive so gotta finish it right!! The steak was awesome! it has jack daniel's wine in it as in the sauce. if im not wrong. im so kuku. called jackson as he msged me and told him. and he said jack daniel's is a wine! not liquor. i felt so dumb. well, it's ok. i dont really drink or get to know much of alcoholic stuff besides my what i know and have seen at my working places last time. lols. oh yea. nicole's house is big and it's a townhouse. wonder why it's called in such a way. Her siblings are nice and she's really great taking off her time and bringing me out. After seeing how patient and great to her younger siblings, at that point of time, i felt that i should be doing all sorts of stuffs as a older Sister too. I felt so sorry for my sisters, but... not really after a while, as my sis arent grateful or never ever was grateful to what i ever did or helped them in any way or to the family. They do not have the brain to think of anything logical in any sense. I just think somehow it's the kind of friends they mixed with. I do have many diff kinds of friends out there, but i do know what's my responsibility to my family. blabla. Nicole is loving and she does show loads of care and concern to her family. It's only she and her older sis who is like taking care of the others in the house. Cool right, as her mum comes once in a while and her dad is in malaysia. I do envy them having such a great and wonderful family with no fights, quarrels whatsoever. As in not really often that kind of thing.
i think it just runs in the genes like my cousins. gets scolded every day and every single minute. madness. i can't stand that. i will really be bouncing around by then. haha.

Had BARBECUE for dinner last night. the weather wasn't really chilly for the whole of yesterday. i like it! as i wasnt like freezing to sleep. pretty warm plus barbecue and everything. people. i've grown really fat. seriously! i gotta lose weight. after that fall out there after running, pretty dumb. was laughed at for having imbalanced body. what's that. i will upload pics of barbecue another day. my cam was down. idiot. charged but still no battery. weird kind.

Here are some of the pics i took on the plane. i was really bored and everyone was still sleeping when i couldnt. rawrssssssss

2007-09-11T17:07:00.000+08:00

i'm too lazy to blog and update. plus my cousins are fighting to use my lappie. lols.

had some fun today shopping and it's my first time taking the bus over here. it's really easy. wont be lost actually. hahas. there's this sale at giodarno everything's 10 aussie dollars. cheap right. cost only 12.60 in Singapore. and it's really good. haha. ok shall continue next time.

see ya.

2007-09-03T23:41:00.001+08:00

oh my. it's been long since i've ever updated.
there's been times where my life is super boring but there are crazy and happy moments too. yayness. well i should say i'm not happy and jubilant all the time. there are ups and downs in my life for the past 2 months. and i know it will never ever end. life goes on and on. whoa.

ok. people!!! and all my beloved friends out there.

6th of Sept it's a thursday! i'll be leaving for australia - melbourne. sounds great right? but it wont really be. My flight will be at 11pm. It's SQ 237!!! But i gotta check in and do many stuff before hand so i will be there around 9 plus or so. So........ if you guys wanna send me off or say any sweet nothings to me, arrive and be there around that time. yepps. =) how should i say. im both not really happy to leave but yet i'm also glad that i could take a break off from every other thing.
i've been stressed out by many problems and the greatest impact on me was my family. it's too complicated that even when the problem exists, my sisters do not even notice them. i'm being called immature lately which is just now. by some friend of mine not being able to solve such a complicated problem regarding this particular relationship. well, i do admit it. i doubt anyone is mature to handle that. That's the reason why many families or even friends do break apart.
i hope that after this trip i would gain some kind of knowledge or to find myself back on track. i have to solve everything on my own and not ask for the help of others and then blame them. to my friend - i didnt blame you or anyone else and i didnt lead him on to any other kind of relationship. To me, it's just a simple friendship and i do cherish every single friend i have. i do not wish to lose a friend just like that. Moreover, i do hope that after sorting things out we will still be best of friends and not treating each other like any other strangers. i appreciate you guys for telling me and making my stand clear such that there wont be any misunderstanding in future.

had been practising hard for my cello exam which is quite last minute. i do know that i wont do really well but i will put in my best and aim for the highest too. wish me luck!

SOFT 2 @DXO was quite ok. met this friend of jaime's i guess. he's kenneth. he's real cool. i wanna learn those kind of dance movements from him. i will try to get to know him first. lol. A quiet guy but i didnt expect him to open up and end up making fun of me with joseph! what's this!!! enjoyed myself that night although there were some minor cockups and last minute thing. sorry for all that. i hope you guys will understand but i still did make my appearance there. gee =) and that i could meet a super good dancer. hahas. Therefore, i should be super duper happy over this right? we'll see the next time round if i get to meet this guy. gotta really be his disciple.
okays.

it's time for me to say goodbye in advance and i'll see you guys in australia. hahas. sounds weird.
anw, thank you RYAN! your dad didnt disappear i guess. lols. and my life is really hard. but no one will uds that so do my closest kin. i know you'll sure miss me loads right. and so do everyone else. will keep in touch with you guys again soon.

CIAO

2007-07-13T00:55:00.000+08:00

watched transformers with morven today. it's so damn cool can!!! i love it truck loads. esp when it changed to the chevrolet! oh my gosh! and i'm quite into knowing cars now! haha. maybe it's because i love them. yea i want one of them! esp "FAIRLADY". who will buy me that? i'm not that rich enough to get one. hmmms. yea so it's a much watch for transformers. but i wanna watch the uncut version although my friend says it's to violent and gory. hmm. maybe i could handle that. i wont freak out right! well, too lazy to talk about the rest of my happenings.

but do look at this super cute video! haha. and i love the song! but it's still very creative using lego toys. =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-tkqpHnxTI

2007-07-12T01:31:00.000+08:00

yea! i felt that i've just got rid of this heavy burden! well, there's some kind of regret and i do miss some people and the kind of warmth they had given me. hmms, i do agree with you my dear friend. it's kinda weird for a person to react in such a way. if you do want people to know the whole world will know. and if you do want to keep it confidential, it is up to you too. but there's no right/wrong to know something isn't it? it's due to curiosity. remember the saying that goes curiosity let the cat out of the bag? get that right in my juicy weeny brain. you're much intellectual and who knows maybe you may be a member of social affairs of singapore or sth in that related field! but i bet to agree that your rule will be uberly great. qualification does showcase a person's intelligence in that certain area. but it does not reflect what kind of a person you are and even with high IQ but low EQ where do you stand? a person has to be real in everything he/she does. i can truthfully admit that i am such a person. i handle sutffs in a rightful manner and i dont like to keep it to myself unless it's unnecessary.

heh. i dont know what i am trying to say here. but dont ya think i do make some sense over here? if you do agree, please leave a tag! it's a must! lollers.

i shall sleep early tonight and have a refreshing morning later on! si'en you can do it! i know you can! just fight against your stupid self!
thanks for those who had helped me through and listened to my stupidities~ i think i've been so much of a burden and boredom for the past few days. but i bet my 'highness' and randomness has brought some spark to your lives. haha. ain't it?

smile smile smile! =)

have a smiley day ahead!

ps: i know i do tend to be emo at certain times. but i have a mind of my own and it's part of growing up. the reason is i dont have a goal ahead and many people are just trying to psycho me into something that i dont really like. i know that i am a little fickle minded and tend to regret sth later on. but it's just life. i'm still a young girl. ok maybe not that young too. but it's long since i've decided on something on my own. AND!!! i am mentally stable. i am not an unstable person for goodness sake! i think it's you or sth that is more likely to be a mentally retarded person. REASON: no one knows when you're really real! or rather or you even real? do you exist?

i love playing the role of a baddy! i shall not deny on that!

read this and think about it! all i can say is, i may not be smart and i dont have that super high intelligence as you. i will lose for sure in anything but as for EQ i wont! as i am a human! and it's not only a human. A REAL HUMAN! hahas. got that?

2007-07-09T00:17:00.000+08:00

okays. i'm eating some pathetic wholemeal biscuits in the room. how bad it is. i feel so hungry like at such a time. how weird! and i'm super stressed by all this damn school work. there's still loads of them. you may think why i still do have the time to lament about them here. well, it's because i dont know where and how to start. i'm totally at a great loss!

live life to the fullest without any regrets. this is crap! i live life with regrets! damn. i wonder how i should really make my life a turnover. it is super boring and with myself being hyperactive with my muscles starting to feel tired but it's like going to do something. so damn weird. i think my body is just breaking down day by day. how cool it is. i didnt get to sleep well almost everyday. i wake up at weird times and after that it distorted the whole cycle of my day. and so i feel tired at some random time and then become so hyper at like now! it's 12.22 am now! a monday. school's starting in a few hours.

now i shall conclude!
si'en has a weird life and weird pasttime, weird self!

and soo....
call me a weirdy! =)
i will be so much happier! rahhs
i sound so cynical about it. but i love it! yeah

ps: happy birthday to sherman! have a great day ahead. i hope you have a great time!
you're my great friend !

2007-07-05T23:33:00.000+08:00

hmms, well what could i say from a day? i found out that i don't know what i seriously want in my life, and that i'm not even controlling it by myself. maybe it's just the other me that is doing so. sighs. what could i do now? i seriously wanna give up in everything at this very moment. but there are too many things to consider.

and to make my stand clear, and make this right! i don't really bother what the outcome is. it's me or the other me that i'm worried of. i've thought of some of the questions that were bombarded at me yesterday. i doubt that i have any capability of being any sort of a leader in any form. i can't even be a natural leader of myself, to lead my mine and soul, thus, how could i be a leader and lead right? i seriously regret for not putting deep thoughts into writing my CV and that i've not considered what a president has to do and how he should lead the fellow mates. he has to have a wilful mind and besides that his results must be uber good! and so, i should write myself as an SL instead. but what i did? so screwed. i think it would be fun to try something very different and so i did so. in the end, what happened? i couldnt handle myself, my brain, not intellectually brainy blahblah and i perform extremely bad academically. who would want me to be an ex-c0 memeber? dumb! anyone who puts me in will regret. and ms too is super nice to me! and i love her. this was what she said and asked:
ms too: so since you do not know what your results are, what do you think you will get?
me: erm... paused for a super long time, i will do very badly. i knew it very clearly but i seriously hope that it'll not be that bad although i know it's very very badly done.
ms too: so u expect all U which is ungraded right?
me: in my brain. wth, wtffffff. are you trying to insult my small puny brain?? i know i'm dumb, do not have the intelligence but you dont have to insult me in such a way right?

i agree that i have very high self esteem in some ways and i hate people who insult me in any way although i know how i am naturally despite how bad i am or not. but you are not to judge me in any way ok? i'm born like that. i have a life that made me so. it's super nerve wrecking for me to hear that. i was clenching my fist in the pockets of my jacket all the while and with this, it agitated me further making my brain cells burst and so juices weren't there and i couldn't continue thinking anymore. at that moment, i was about to leave the room and tell the panel, SI'EN IS QUITTING. But there's this sudden urge in me that held me back. despite the fact that i cried, i dont know anything already. i knew i am just some idiotic girl trying to console myself and my P-brain. whoa-ness!
i just dont care anymore. i dont wanna be the president and i knew i cant be. so why i wanted to run for it in the first place?? i don't know. but somehow after the chat ytd with my nice fren i do not totally agree with my fren that i am capable. like wtf. you dare say i'm capable. ok maybe to some sense. but on the whole i'm never ever capable in anything. i have the confidence in me but soon after someone who shoots something right through my head, it's gone forever. it demoralizes me from that moment. i know i'm super not the kind of person many people know for who i am. and i just couldnt explain what kind of a person i am! i can conclude i'm just thus weird! i tend to isolate myself from people whom i think i couldnt clique with and that in some sense it's because we dont share the same interests and i just feel they aren't the 'in' or 'cool' people i know. aint that very not common? haha. my friends are from all sort. i dont despise people who smoke or go around hanging lose. that's because i respect them for who they are and i know that they do have a brain of their own. people think i dont have a brain of my own. i dont wish to comment. that's because i know i do have one! and although i'm not as intellectual as anyone i have a brain that has the heart in it. at least i'm sincere to everyone and i'm true to the fellow people around me. that's what that makes me i guess.

anw. thanks xiang wei for comforting me. i know you're shocked right.
to pastor eve: i can meet you sometime next wk? this week i guess i'm not free. gotta get my EOM for project work done
to 'kid': i dont know who you are. and i agree to an extent that it's the other part of me that's controlling me subconsciously. i wonder how i will ever discover it myself. and i've grown up with it since i was young. i guess it's not a very good thing. wells.

thanks for cello/bass seniors for the small belated celebration. and i dont know if i should happy about being 17.

2007-07-05T00:46:00.000+08:00

it's another post again. getting bored. and listened to this songs called very long ago it's a chinese song hen ziu yi qian. bare me from my lousy han yu pinyin. it's like tears start cascading down from my eyes. i just wanna thank those who comforted me. it's not totallly about the interview but it's what i went through during the interview and the stuff that i dont wanna see i'm in.

2007-07-04T23:33:00.000+08:00

what are you doing Cheng Si'En???

argh!!!! i screwed up the interview and sprout nonsense! yeah! and so i can conclude it's a bye-bye gone case for me! nothing to expect in the end! so........ right now i shall just continue to do the task i'm allocated to and wait till 18th of july! i came to think that i'm super stressed and i couldn't even get control over it. and what's happening to me after that breakdown infront of these few people. so embarrassing and i couldn't think of anything actually! i'm just doing some random-ing to the panel especially cui wei my sectional leader. what the hell is going on with me?? okay, i'm suffering from such mental illness which i don't even know. well, but i should be better than last year right? i refused to see the pshychiatrist such that i could lead a normal life. and i did! yay. but it's not really that much. my friends around me do think that i need to have a heart to heart talk at certain times and that i'm a troubled kid! yea KID! when i'm already 17 for goodness sake. well, i do act like one at certain points of time. but what is wrong with me i ask you?? tell me !!!!!

i'm glad that i've already sought of passed the interview in that sense. i know i'm not fit to be a leader in any sought. although all my friends, my bestie and my juniors who knows me superbly well supported me all the way. well, i think i've led you guys well and till now you guys still do remember me as Si'En the cello/bass sectional leader and not just a senior. not a normal one too. oh so i'm abnormal.wahhaa. ok- NOT! i should be glad for what ever is the outcome i should comply with it. and for my performance in any sought, in terms of musicality and academically, i seriously hope i could really peak and starting from next week which i will get into serious work and studying. i ought to. i don't have a choice people. i shall prioritise my time wisely, and be a loner for the moment. this is uberly demoralizing for me, being locked up in this cell which i call home.

To me, the definition of home is a place of solace, to rest, bathe and do other daily stuffs, other than that, i dont ever want to be home. it's like a forceful thing for me. i get home just to be there. got it? rahhhhhh.

rawwwrrrrrrrr.

what should i do now? i' m getting so emo-ish now. yucks. this is not my usual self, aint it? hahas, i shall just take a gun and place it at my head and there goes, boom, si'en is dead!

bye people, have fun!

si'en i just a problematic child or teenager, and i do agree a little with what my senior or rather close friend too about what my particular leader thinks about me. she think's i'm incorrigible and it's just me in that manner, i guess being a good leader isn't the way she should react, i've encountered such problems with my juniors, it's worst than mine. mine is considered a rather mild one. but well, people who just got to know me for a short while wont get to understand what i'm actually going through. maybe it's what they called pan ni (in chinese) and it meant that it's being rebellious. well, i do agree to some extent, but i'm never given a chance to talk my soul out of me. that's why i'm led to such a state where sometimes i dont even get to understand what i am going through and how i feel. i'm an ENTJ. it's the executive or something which i am very capable in terms of leadership and leading people under me and not being a dumb follower with no brains or being an air head. well, i guess i am no longer the si'en people actually knew. sometimes i'm just not being myself so as to gain and seek people's attention in some manner, like doing stupid and dumb stuff. what ever it is, i just wanna seek attention such that people knew that i exist. whoa. this sounds rather horrible, and i just want to say that i do have the damn ego and confidence in me. but with all these stuffs like term exams results and other dumb areas, i just feel that i'm not capable of doing anth for anyone or for myself! it's just me blaming myself for every single thing. i feel dumb, speechless now. making a whoo ha over such trivial matters. but...... you dont know me inside out, how would you know how i feel right now? just shoo . i dont wanna see myself now. it's just ridiculous, my health's not working the right way i'm pressurized by my family in every single thing and since i'm the oldest i tend to think and become logically attached to certain matters. and this is making me crazy! i just wish to sleep for a super long age and hibernate like nobody's business! damn! i don't even wanna go to school. it sucks. teachers who are sometimes not being supportive. damn you.

people out there who were always there for me, i wanna say a big thank you to all of you. hugs~

i shall post the birthday pictures on another day. too lazy too. and si'en isn't in the right mind to do so. i shall just randomly upload some random pictures first! see ya then. wish me luck in everything. all i need is your love! =)

anyway, this car is damn cool! taken by morven!

sighs, looking at the above pics, is that me? urgh! i guess si'en is currently dead for now. dont call me by name. after a great celebration of being 17, now it sucks.

i need someone!!!! help!

2007-07-03T00:50:00.000+08:00

WHAT A NICE MONSTER CUM FRENEMY!! LOOK AT THIS POST! =)

HaPPY bIRThDAY SI'EN :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)u r 17

okay, it's something like that but in her blog it looks very grand for me!! haha
thank you loads.

and yea gotta thank the remaining people who wished me too!

ACCO cello/bass - chia ling, anli, shi jing. ( they're super late) was waiting eagerly you know!! and shi jing is just one min before 3rd july. lollers

the others were - jessica, yun yun, yee wee, joseph, elim, qiao wei!

i enjoyed my day today. it's great except some stupid ppl emo-ing. wah lao! what are u guys trying to do on my special day!! lollers.

many pics to be posted up but it's in yee wee's super duper good cam! well, and morvan was sought of caught by this security guard at cineleisure cause it's illegal to bring a camera ( not a normal one) for special photoshoots to be brought in to such buildings and we could only take among ourselves! lol. ok. besides that fact we had too much of cam-whorring!! especially my beloved bear? right bear? what shall i name it? hmms. thank you jackson for the bear and yea the ball which is made up of the light sticks. super cool and nice! it's still lighting in my room! =) thank you guys for making my day memorable.

and to shi wei too. my jie mei for celebrating an early one with me last fri 30th june, it's rather cool right. to celebrate there.
ok i shall stop tired hands and mind. continue the next time!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! =)

2007-07-02T00:33:00.000+08:00

heh heh!!!!

it's crazy-ness lollers!!

ok here it goes. si'en has just turned 17!! yeah. yay!! =)

and so i shall thank those who wished me and those who had celebrated an early one for me!!

they are....

my bestie- joson
my clique of confidants/best buddies- li hui, meryl, jasmine, kah hwee,vanessa,
dearest jie mei shi wei,
close junior- wei ning ( she's super advance) lols, andrew
ACCO- calvin, jackson toh ( kinky), xiang wei (wanna treat me to alif for breakfast downstairs)
ok this is random funny friends i've got who brought joy in my screwed up life-
jackson tay, morvan, tony, milton,
jing shi, eng seng, chuan fa
firedrake- matthew, kah hwee too
jason ( goon)haha!!
wenna: dont cry over him on my bday!!
AC- gerielle, the ha ha. it's a name
COGC- you wei, pastor eve
and most of all my beloved parents and sisters for celebrating for me!! i like the cake~

and to add on that kinky-yee jackson toh is so damn funny!
this was what he said:
the insane jackson: we're cute and so we belong together
followed by some more sane ones: enjoy your 2nd july and all the best! cheers for being 17!
you and your stupid kinky-ness. enough!
lappy is used by cute ppl does that include you??
wahhhhhs

okays and i shall continue the rest at a later day/time!! =)

2007-06-28T00:06:00.000+08:00

Some of my Random Camwhoring pics!!!!

i'm just too bored and i can't even concentrate studying for my last paper which is biology! all my papers are already screwed! damn!! SSP is coming on its way! rahhhh. rawrrrrr!!!!

the 3 of us acting cute? oh my! esp shutian!!

me and anli "biting" some burger =)
cello/bass section '07 w/ my motherly SL with that pose!
my super uber CUTE cousins!!
haha. what's this?

shi jing is trying so hard!!! hard!!!

the 'dark' side of ours

stupid meryl! so damn unglam la! take such a pic of me! wonderful!

pastor eve!!! here's the pic we took!! so take it from here!!! too lazy to send to you although i could have!! hehe. see ya this fri! finally!

okays! these are just randomness. haha. memories brought back too!! heh heh! i'm super stress. and i'm sick. why am i so unlucky. it always happens to this weakling here!

and i'm not trying to act cute!! this is to YEE WEE! i've killed many rabbits last night you know!! and one of them is you. so cute falling from the sky!!hha. i shall remember that!

2007-06-20T02:37:00.000+08:00

i'm finally like back again.
firstly, i would like to thank all my friends who had actually supported me at my school's annual concert- enCOre! thank you my friends! it's great that you guys spurred me on till the end. haha and the comments given were great except for certain songs and so on.

next to all my seniors too. i love you guys loads. i'll be missing you guys and i doubt i could be the president, seriously! judging from the kind of results i've been getting from tests and everything and teachers complaining about me to MS TOO. which is seriously a very bad thing. i just hope that maybe i will get through my interview and that i will not screw it up. currently i'm mugging for my terms but there's only like 8 days for me to really study. but during this period of time, there's like sleep, bathe, eat and some time for leisure which takes up dont know how much of precious seconds, minutes and hours. well, i think everything will be very bad after term's results are out. how? someone save me!

cello/bass- i will not forget you guys and especially the so called three musketeers. hmms. fond memories will be left behind and i shall leave the next legacy behind. i guess i've been a good and great influence to you guys and so you're motivated by me! hahas. well it's only the few of us. i'm still doubtful about some of them. but well, it's ok. as long as everyone as done their part in it!

quite sometime ago, he talked to me and actually apologised about what he did to me in the past. well, i've already decided to let go. As i can't hold on to him again and made him mine right?i've waited for the day to come but after trying and as days passed i knew it's impossble. i actually reacted quite calmly about that when he asked me to forgive him and if i dont he'll have the guilt for life or something. i yearned to be with him once again though but we have to go on seprate ways. he's nice but sometimes it's still best if we still remain as good friends. it's better too right? he's down recently but all i could do is to be there for him and support him as a friend. jia you for you! don't be down almost all the time. smile and think positively like what you've told me during that short period of time =)

i've found out being single/attached does makes a great difference
like now i can spend my days with different groups of friends and have loads of fun and not tied down to something or have something right on my mind to worry about.
being attached do takes up one's time and it's necessary for both parties to give in at certain times and at certain situations. and well time and communication is very crucial for a r/s! it's the ultimate factor for it to go on well. sometimes there's love in between them, but somehow it's just very hard to spend time with each other esp when there's sch, activities and friends. one can ask and demand alot about it and this can cause strain to the r/s. i do believe that most of the time both parties do love each other a lot! and it's really a lot! it's hard for them to let go at this point of time but they do not really have a choice. well, there's always fate that will bring them back again together. as it's not because there's no love that broke them apart, it's TIME! like what the hell right. lol. why am i posting about such stuff at this time??

and just now at like 12.44
there goes this CUTE THEORY by jackson tay:
he says:
cute people dont fall sick!
how could the "cute" one fall sick??
aiyo, then it'll be so un-cute-ish already!

what is going on? what kind of logic or theory! hahas. wonder who he's referring to? make a good guess. tag it on my tag board and i shal see if you've answered it correctly!
i have to thank him too for always being there for me and supporting me all the way and accompanying me at any time of the day. cool right. someone who brings you around in singapore to eat delicious food and places which you will never know there's good food! someone who can reply your msg-es at like anytime even in the wee hours and the good thing he did on sat/sun was making some erm mint-chocolate alcohol mixed with fresh millk for me! great. i'm not a good drinker but the way he did it was superb! i wasn't drunk and he said i'll definitely say "NO KICK" wonder what kind of slang or language was that. but i guess it's jus no effect or something. it tastes really nice. but the after effect a bit weird though.

lastly!
i hate you for just treating me this way. what kind of friend are you. when i treated you super well or maybe more than a close friend. and all you wanted was free sex! whoa. if you want to have free sex i think you've found the wrong girl already. find someone then. go away. you've shocked me and i shall never ever contact you or reply to you when you are going to find me! i thought you were always nice to me. being there for me when times are hard and comforting me but what you did and said was really inhumane. well, i know what you want but i can't accomplish it. i'm so sorry then. yar right- as if i do! hahas. shoo. i seriously do hope u reflect on how you've treated me! thank you.

2007-05-10T23:03:00.000+08:00

all i have to say is.........SCHOOL NO 1.. YIN HUA CHU ZI XUE YUAN..... ANGLO-CHINESE JUNIOR COLLEGE.................... GOLD.!!!

YAYNESS. I COULDNT BELIEVE IT!! AND YES OUR HARDWORK HAD PAID OFF. WAKING UP SUPER EARLY AND REACHING SCHOOL AT 6 PLUS EVERYDAY FOR A WEEK PLUS. THAT'S GREAT.
HEARD THAT THE HONGKONG GUY JOSHUA CHAN STOOD UP AND CLAPPED FOR US AFTER EVERYTHING. WHOA.

RIGHT NOW IT'S REST TIME. I DONT HAVE MUCH ENERGY TO BLOG ABOUT ANTHYING. TOO HAPPY FOR THAT..

SO PEOPLE PLEASE DO COME FOR OUR CONCERT WHICH IS ON 9TH OF JUNE!! CONCERT-ENCORE!

2007-04-25T01:22:00.000+08:00

partying this thurs at MOS!!! anyone?? haha. there's jackson and his gay jamie and the rest i'm not sure. there's school the next day too. so how now? i shall decide on thurs then. so confusing. tests and everything's coming up. just finished my damn long GP essay on education. i think i just screwed it up again. just like my damn AQ. damn cool ah. lol. had my work showcased to like dont know how many of my GP teacher's classes. argh.. damn it. so screwed la. and i think i have an upcoming prob that i'm going to face. i'm still very unsure yet. but i'll just wait. urgh. ran up stairs of oldham wing today and did all those jumps rather okay today. not that tiring though. but i gotta slim down super fat. msged chris like that day and on sun. he didnt reply. nvm. dont know what he's thinking at times too. and i just think i'm also unsure of my feelings and his too. sighs. school's in a few hours time. and pract for co again. mon's was quite fruitful at least i gained something from it. but i'm not impressed at some of my senior's performances shall not name who.

anyway thanks for the people who cheered me on!! i love you guys. see ya. and i miss my besties. see ya on VAN's bday at SAKAE which i didnt meet you guys on fri last week. so sorry about that. do accept my apology okays? hahas.

2007-04-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

well well, i'm already burning out not only fats but my health and everything. whoa!!! so cool huh. sighs. school isnt a luxury for me and it is just a boredom with loads of stress!! rahhh. someone save me from hell! i will have a super short life you know?

school was rather okay today kind of slack since chem pract is what that i like and time passes duper quickly on thurs i think? but now i'm suffering aches all over plus my gastric isnt doing a good job too. i'm having heartburns and inflammed oesophagus again. which means i have to take the breath test again and stay in hospital just for the scope( in short) to test for bacteria and other stuff that causes the relapse again. i wanna cry. it means i will suffer all pains and needles into my veins all over again. damn everything. had GP lesson today. which is rather bad. she was going thru this QTK thingy which i translate and thought of ZI GOR PEK i think it's spelt like that. HAHAS. stupid Ha called me horny when she's the one who's horny. i dont have that horny look ok girl? chill. you must be honoured you bear that name. just like how i did as a PON STAR. not PORN!

after school went to meet wayne which i didnt receive her msg cause i changed my no and so went to her house instead to get the shoes for this sun. saw lina and jx( her bf). so sweet. like almost everytime i see him fetching her home from school. * jealous* umms. and talked with ning (wayne) on the way showed me some post in her diary.. i guess he should really take time out just esp for her. it's like if you can do that for your friends why cant just for her? when she's a special someone? i think it makes sense right? i often get into such probs in any r/s. and it's always screwed. it's either my fault or his fault. sighs once again. and i dont know who i'm missing! i'm totally confused. firstly, i cry over him for like quite a couple of days and was really down just over him and our sudden breakup which i didnt expect. and i just lose hope in like almost everything ever since i thought he would be the guy i will really go all out for and just keep him to myself for my life. i once told myself maybe he will be the last guy i will cry really hard for. but what? he isnt the guy who will stay with me till the end of time. though i'm quite numbed to him already and trying to control my feelings and yearned to get back together with him again.but deep in my heart i know it wont be possible ever again. we still do talk. but we're sort of like closer friends. his heart will never be with me. i've sort of lost my faith in relationships already. i'm always the one being hurt and left alone in the dark. when ning asked bout me towards him just now. i just said that break then that's the end. like i totally heck about it. but i do know what my heart tells me. i just thank wenna for talking me out of it like just forget about him and let go.

chris is in bintan. and he said he really want to meet me yesterday before making his business trip there early this morning. asked him why. he said this " cause i miss you and i do hope i could see you before i leave". i'm really shocked at his sms. and he said it's ok if i dont believe him. but im a lost for words. i just hope his business thingy will be smooth sailing and yep successful in settling matters with that customer. and he'll only be back like today. (fri). my heart was like palpitating super fast when i saw that msg and i felt there's sth not really right. like hinting on some stuff. since mon i saw him at westmall hello shop, he said he missed me ever since the last time we met. sort of weird and random. i'm just very confused and i dont know where am i heading to. i guess i need time to sort our every single stuff. i dont have a piece of mind.

GPP research in process now and i'm already 101% burnt. i hope my stuffs are relevant which i think they're not.
someone pls advice me!!

idiotic screwed up and pathetic life i have now!!

2007-04-16T03:26:00.000+08:00

well i just wanna use the word f*** up. but i dont wanna sound vulgar and not polite in any sense. so i shall be demure for the start of my title. wahha. sound so not right ehs. hmmms. i wanna act like how xiangwei did. the HMMMMS. which is super gay. but it made me laugh my heart out anyway. arghhhhhhhhhh... it's not even the end of my stressful life. firstly, i screwed up my damn audition for syf. i played seriously out of tune for certain parts which i could hear damn loudly. and with me being tensed up and wanting to do everything perfectly well, i made very huge reactions when i screwed them up. well done man! si'en u are pretty amazingly successful now. grrr.. i'm some what a perfectionist in certain areas especially when it comes to music. darn it. i'm already screwed so i shall continue screwing my darn life now alright?? *claps* for me please, people! i will appreciate that loads. thank you~. it's like 3.32am on monday april 16th. and im still here rotting infront of my lappy. whee. i'm sick and tired of every single thing now. i have no guts to do anything or rather think of anything. my future is like not going to get anywhere better gauging from my stupid brainless performance. sighs... life's just so screwed. i should change my name soon too yea? to screw en. heheheheh. sounds very nice dont ya feel?

anw. talking bout my work. i slacked quite a little. haha. i love working at the bar. like polishing the mugs, jugs, the wine cups. pay is quite good and nevertheless i enjoyed my time there. with good friends around and chefs that actually treated me super well. like making food for me when i'm not even supposed to eat during working hours. and so i had to hide in that kitchen to eat. hahas. i just love it at artz pizza and bar. a nice experience. and to the 2 gays im slow in some sense but not to that extent ok.!!

i miss all my besties and my clique. the monster i had once shared my laughter with, the ahlibaba who is always there for me shed tears with me, van for being crazy with me, shin yun for being an auntie, kahhwee for the very 'quiet' times, meryl for sharing the days we bully fenglin my beloved partner and the rest i shall post next time. and not to forget.. my dear bestie-joson, for bitching everything under the sun and sharing all my sorrows and bringing me back on the right track again. sharing the times we had till the morning. letting me have a shoulder to rely and lean on. i'm seriously touched. oh wells, i'm crying now. oh my gosh. being emotional now. ok. i better stop. and yea wayne for enduring the very tough time i had to go thru last yr and even till this year the times we spent together though it's not very often. but i thank you for all that. and i just really wanna say i LOVE you guys. all of you made a part of my life. without you guys, i will be filled with emptiness. although i have lost people i do cherish and love, but it's still not the end of everything right, isnt it? that's what my friends do tell me when i'm just out of love and so on. i thank you guys once again.

to be continued again when i'm home later.. i just wanna sleep but i cant. i'm like having a small club at home now. haha. good night people. enjoy your wonderful sleep. sighs it's so unlike mine. what a wonderful life i really have....... a BIG WHOA......... w.......................h..........................o..............................................a

i have no life!!!

2007-04-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

practically people who knows me super uberly well calls me the PON- STAR. I REPEAT NOT PORN STAR!! okays. well that's my name now. lol. given by my PAE class like quite some time ago. but now everyone calls me that too. haha. am i one?? hmmm. maybe. well, i am super stressed over school stuff and syf. i think it's just school and syf now that stressed me up. i cant stand my life anymore. and i have became some girl dying of fatigue. and yea i sort of ponned school again today. i slept super early last night actually at around 945? but i couldnt wake up due to my swollen eyes. so i decided not to go school. and went to see the doc when my mum was done with her insurance stuff? madam called me and asked what happened to me. lol. she was like saying ' si'en you cant afford to miss any of the tests and CAs. if not it'll affect your terms and promos greatly. argh!!! it's killing me a lot now. to think of that. of course i do know about such stuffs. but who cares. at least i have an mc which i need to have one to excuse myself from today's bio and chem test. well i just missed it anw. wanted to take chem actually by going to school. but i'm just too lazy and not in the mood to even get myself to school. besides my eyes were just like a fish's eyeball. haha. kinda cool eh??

my aim was to actually quit school. but i couldnt now. as no one wants to accept me to like anywhere. i'm kinda excited this fri to start work. and jackson said i may even be trained to work at the bar!! that's so cool man. i can't wait till then. it's like work becomes more of a part of my life rather than school. school- it makes me dreadful of it. and i do hate it. itk just doesnt bring any spark to me. i can club all night and then go home and have some sleep and get out of home again. that's like so different for me if i were to put that situation in school. i will never ever do that for school like what mugging the whole wee hours in the morning and then maybe sleep a few hours or dont sleep then go school? well my answer to that FAT HOPE. DONT EVER THINK OR EXPECT THAT FROM ME! hahas. i'm such a rebellious girl. which my mum calls me that. however, she understands why that's coming from me. due to stress bombs hitting me and it can be disastrous if i were to be at the peak anytime. my best friends do know that.

celebrated calvin's birthday at bukit timah food junction. some chinese five star restaurant which they call that. kinda worth it though. and we had a fun and enjoyable time there. missed the og terribly. and didnt know that dan tong will know tobias too. it's like we're all like interconnected now once she got into HCJC. and im rather shocked that he told her that i'm his good friend. as now we dont really talk that much as before already or even hang out together ever since like sec 3? well reason- he's attached. haha. so no time for that. i kinda miss those days when we're like super close friends talking everything and bitching all the way. he sounds like some girl right. haha.

all for that today. i'm still feeling swelled up. like my right eye. just dropped some eye drop into my eye. hope it does recover by tmr. i need my eye to be normal at least! many stuffs are expected and fated. i have to believe and face it right now. dont probe over it anymore!

2007-04-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

at MOS. wahaha. we are high!

2007-04-06T15:23:00.000+08:00

just came back from MOS. super damn tired. wasnt that high actually. it's much crowded than ever as it's free entry for everyone and plus 1 to 1 free drink. haha. had quite a lot of fun with meryl, yun yun, matthias and asti. plus some other ppl whom i dont really know actually.that stupid lady dont let me in and kept checking my face with that fake IC i got from chia chia. haha. and then left me with that bouncer saying that i cant get in. it's like he wil allow me to get in but will confiscate the IC like what the hell!! then i settled and everything and so the few who actually got in came out and we went by the back door. and i got in. haha. the bouncer didnt even check la. he's super good. just give me the chop and let me in. stupid lady. those who're not checked by her actually got in. lol. yea. i had blisters now plus cramps. haven been clubbing much often now. due to cca. no life man. i'll be going out soon.

happy good friday peeps!!

SCCO CHEER UP!! IT'S NOT THE END. THE GOAL IS STILL ON OUR WAY

2007-04-03T20:48:00.000+08:00

well. went to help out for scco's syf today. i missed my section and juniors alot especially the crazy 2 little kids. haha. david and genesis. they do give you headache though.hmm. although we didnt manage to clinch the gold award that we've aimed and wanted so long ago, but we've did our best and especially cello/bass i was damn worried for you guys and you guys are always the best in my heart, all the memories and fun that we all had. cello/bass- gold........ tt's all i can say. with mr poh around. haha. keep the standard and do not deprove ok!! although mr poh did say this batch's standard is not good as in our times. haa. cause me and joson too pro-ed already. lala. enough of my craps. but he's like very good to us during our 4 yrs in swiss co. despite the scoldings and suan-ness he did to the section. heh. so all i have to say is i love you guys loads. and i've learnt alot today. and it's the kind of experience that i wont even ever get elsewhere. like in my jc co now. i dont feel as much as i do to swiss. it's the kind of impact that ms lim left on us and what i had did to you guys. the kind of bond we had and we share almost everything under the sun. keep up. cheers. do miss me. okays?? the tears we shed will always be remembered. like how it was today. sortamemorable. we did it as a whole. work hard on the concert for next yr then. and in 2 yrs time- gold is ours.. though some schools dont deserve this time actually. i shant name them.. all in all i conclude that i have faith in SCCO! =)

2007-03-30T00:16:00.000+08:00

well. i dont know what's wrong with some people but i heck anyways. lol.

okays. life's boring. after one week of school i'm like quite dead. have been sick for a while and i just found out i'm allergic to this antibiotic. it causes chest pain to me. whoa. so now i'm sick again. therefore i shant recover. yayness. oh gosh. how will i be able to survive a hectic life??? well, he just talked to me online. i'm sorta happy though at least he does ask how am i doing and asked me to take care. he knows i'm sick. hahas. thank you magician!! i'm trying hard to not develop an awkard kind of feeling towards you. i just wanna treat you as my good friend just like how i've known you and how u did too. trying to be normal. thank you darrel too for carrying my bag today all the way to buona vista from school. im grateful for that. having some backache. i sprained my left side. like gosh super pain. i couldnt even walk properly or sit upright now. sighs. im off to my boring lifestyle again!! like bless me people. and the season of syf is going to begin. to my beloved juniors strive. i'm ponning school for the sake of you guys and the section and mr poh our beloved teacher!! all the way.... let's go.......

bless me with all the stress to come and yea i just wanna be healthy and sane. YES!!

2007-02-26T21:54:00.000+08:00

pon-ed school today. well not really. as my head was super heavy this morning. so i decided to sleep a lil more just to get myself prepared to school. but i couldnt. so i told my sis to go to school first and not wait for me. and off they go and im off to sleep again. when i woke up, its already 12pm. whoa. and its due to the non-stopping vibrations from my handphone. wahaha!! my bestie msged me and there are a few from him. he thought i didnt reply. well im sleeping. just as you've guessed. im sick! and my heartburn came back again. oh no.. i couldnt take it. its seriously pain. it's like your heart is going to burst or sth? yea. so did some stupid stuffs at home like packing my sec4 stuffs to pass to my juniors on friday.

met joson to register for our cello exams. it's a long process. that's when i know why my piano teacher doesnt like to do such stuffs. ahah. mr poh is lazy too i guess. so he told us to register our exams on our own. well, after all the tedious stuffs we went to pool at marina square. joson was really good today. at least his mind did work. he suggested going to esplanade after everything. well some ppl said he is damn lousy. yar right. im worst okays!!! though i won the first haha. im shocked with my pooling skills today. maybe im just trying to vent all my anger into something and so it turned out i could play well. sighs. nvm. im stressed up with it and i just dont wanna think about it. i just wanna break free from that boundary. gossiped bout CO and stuffs.

heys. to joson(bestie), i wonder if i did make a fool of myself at marina, aha, kind of shock u again i guess. with those stupid tingy. it's not exaggerating ok!!! it's really true and it did happen. im just re-acting the same scene to you. just that i couldnt get that gay voice in me. wahhaa. catch up with ya soon again and the others.

off i go again. i wish i could be happy and jubilant all the time.i dont wanna be in a world where there's just sorrows. how i wish someone could understand me.